Just Like You

Taylor… Chloe Fineman

Sandy… Cecily Strong

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed] [Sandy walks in]

Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?

Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.

Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.

Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.

[cut to flashbacks of Sandy when she was young partying and getting drunk] [cut back to present]

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

[cut to Sandy throwing up]

Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes

Sandy: I’m okay.

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.

Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]

Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

[cut back to prsent]

Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]

Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

Sandy: I know, right?

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Name one mistake you made.

Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}

Sandy: I’m sorry.

[cut back to present]

Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass] [Grandma walks in]

Grandma: Everything alright here?

Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.

Grandma: Wow!

Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.

[cut to Sandy at her young age having argument with her mom]

Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.

[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]

Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]

Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!

[cut back to present]

Taylor: I know.

Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.

Taylor: You told grandma?

Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: What are you worried about?

Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.

Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

Sandy: Hey…

Ben: But she always kept it in control.

[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]

Ben: How many pills did you take?

Sandy: Three. What is the problem?

Ben: You blew my roommate.

Sandy: I thought it was you.

[cut back to present]

Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.

Taylor: I know.

Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Taylor: Yes!

[message notification]

Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.

Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.

[cut to message screen]

Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.

Why’d You Like It

Denny Donigan… Kenan Thompson

Beth.. Chloe Fineman

Kenny… Chris Redd

Brad… Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with game show intro]

Male voice: It’s the game show you love to like, it’s “Why’d you like it?” With your host, Denny Donigan.

Denny Donigan: Alright. Welcome to “Why’d you like it?” The game show where we ask contestants “Why do you like it?” I’m your Denny Donigan. Tonight’s contestants are Beth.

Beth: Hi. Can’t wait to play.

Denny Donigan: Kenny.

Kenny: What’s up, y’all? Let’s do this.

Denny Donigan: And Brad.

Brad: Excited to be here, Denny. I’m still not totally sure what the show is, but looking forward to finding out.

Denny Donigan: Well, the game is easy. We show you a picture that you liked on Instagram and ask you the simple question – Why do you like it? So Brad, why don’t we start with you?

Brad: Oh, okay.

Denny Donigan: On March 19, you liked this photo. [A picture of a woman holding a dog appears on the screen.] So the question is, why do you like it?

Brad: She’s my friend. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] I thought she was attractive. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Still doesn’t explain why you liked it. I mean, you could have just looked at it. But you did the double tap. So the question remains. Why?

Brad: I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it, she would see that I liked it. And then she would follow me back and then we’d DM and then maybe at some point, I don’t know, she’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: That is correct. Yes. And just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight?

Brad: She is, yeah.

Girlfriend: You are a stupid man.

Brad: I really didn’t understand the premise of the show.

Denny Donigan: Alright, next up, Kenny.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: No. You can’t pass. Two weeks ago, you liked this photo. [there’s a picture of a painting]

Kenny: Okay, oh. That’s not even bad.

Denny Donigan: All right, then this question should be easy. Why do you like it?

Kenny: Um, culture. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: I’d like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan thee Stallion, who has 28 million followers and averages 2 Million Likes per post. So again, why do you like?

Kenny: I’m a fan of her music. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of her art. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of Instagram in general. [wrong answer buzzer] Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones with Megan’s face and booty. So I thought if I like this one, it’s more likely she’d see it and she knows that I like her for more than her body, but like, for her mind. And then it’d be like a Notting Hill type of situation. She DM me, one thing leads to another and pretty soon we’re having sex. [right answer bell]

Brad: Wow. That’s pathetic.

Girlfriend: Do not speak.

Brad: Can I leave?

Denny Donigan: No. All right, Beth, you’re up.

Beth: Okay, well, this should be easy for me because I don’t go around liking thirst traps on Instagram.

Denny Donigan: Ha-ha. Love that confidence? Because yesterday, you liked this photo from 2017. [there’s a picture of a woman in front of a waterfall]

Beth: Seems fine.

Denny Donigan: It is a picture of your ex boyfriends sister. So why do you like it?

Beth: We still keep in touch. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] Water… waterfall. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: You scrolled back five years to like it.

Beth: Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo, she’d see my name pop up on her feed. And remember that I was nice. And then maybe at the next family dinner, she turned to my ex and be like, “You know who I miss? Beth!” And then my ex would DM me and say we should grab coffee sometime and cut to two hours later and we’re raw dogging in a Starbucks bathroom. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: What is wrong with you people?

Beth: Why would you bring us here?

[exciting sound]

Denny Donigan: Oh-oh! You know what that sound means?

Brad: You know we don’t know.

Denny Donigan: Well, it’s time for round two. Why do you follow them? In this round, I show you an Instagram profile and the only thing you have to do is tell me why do you follow them.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: It’s not going to happen. All right. Let’s get that profile up. You all follow Joe Biden. Why?

Beth: He’s the president. [wrong answer buzzer]

Kenny: He knows Obama. [wrong answer buzzer]

Brad: During the election, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough politically, so I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Oh, so close.

Brad: And I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him, they’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Girlfriend: I’m gonna kill you.

Brad: I wasn’t gonna do anything. [wrong answer buzzer] I mean, unless one of them DM’ed me and commented on some of my photos. [right answer bell] All right, all right. Look, maybe in the past I’ve been pretty shallow when it comes to social media. But thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend and maybe it’s time to get off this thing for good. Ha-ha.

Denny Donigan: All right, well, in the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now. You liked unliked and liked again, this photo? [There’s a picture of a woman at the beach]

Brad: I’m sorry, I cannot change.

Denny Donigan: Understood. We’ll be right back after the break with round three – “Why did you react to the Instagram story despite never meeting them?” Stick around.

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave] [Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

The Day You Were Born

Amy Schumer

Mikey Day

[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]

Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.

[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]

Amy: Oh.

Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.

Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.

Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.

Boy: Really?

Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.

Boy: What was it like?

Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?

Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?

Doctor: Just breathe.

Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.

[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]

Boy: Were you scared, mommy?

Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.

Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Daddy, were you scared?

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: Why does it look like that?

Amy: You are not a man!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: I’m not ready.

Amy: You are not a man.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Then what happened?

Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.

[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]

3: So, I think we’re–

Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.

[farting sound]

Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?

Mikey: No. No, baby, no.

[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]

It’s okay.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]

Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?

Amy: Why is he so ugly?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.

[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?

Amy: That’s in the hall closet.

[baby crying]

Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?

[Amy is sobbing being exhausted] [Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: I love you, mommy.

Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.

Boy: Mommy.

Amy: Yeah.

Boy: I had an accident last night.

Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.

Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.

[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]