How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

The Day You Were Born

Amy Schumer

Mikey Day

[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]

Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.

[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]

Amy: Oh.

Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.

Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.

Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.

Boy: Really?

Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.

Boy: What was it like?

Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?

Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?

Doctor: Just breathe.

Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.

[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]

Boy: Were you scared, mommy?

Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.

Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Daddy, were you scared?

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: Why does it look like that?

Amy: You are not a man!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: I’m not ready.

Amy: You are not a man.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Then what happened?

Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.

[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]

3: So, I think we’re–

Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.

[farting sound]

Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?

Mikey: No. No, baby, no.

[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]

It’s okay.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]

Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?

Amy: Why is he so ugly?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.

[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?

Amy: That’s in the hall closet.

[baby crying]

Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?

[Amy is sobbing being exhausted] [Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: I love you, mommy.

Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.

Boy: Mommy.

Amy: Yeah.

Boy: I had an accident last night.

Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.

Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.

[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]