Your Voice Chicago

Louis Tibbs… Kenan Thompson

Jamele Demmings… Issa Rae

Lisa Crowder… Ego Nwodim

D’Angelo Banks… Chris Redd

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Caviar… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Your Voice Chicago intro] [Cut to J. Louis Tibbs in his set]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Good morning. It’s your boy Chicago. I am J. Louis Tibbs coming to you on this Sunday at 7:30 AM. Right before a two hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak in. Joining me to talk local politics, our lead council for Chicago’s in AACP Jamele Demmings and a freelance writer for the Root, Lisa Crowder. Now, there’s so much talk about the national election. But today, we focus on the local candidates.

Lisa Crowder: Which are so important. Representation begins at the street level.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Indeed. Indeed. So, Jamele, any strategy that you’re using to vet some of these candidates?

Jamele Demmings: Louis, I’ll be honest. I’m voting for everybody black.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Everybody black?

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. For too long, our people’s voices have not been heard. It’s our duty to stand together and take out power back.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I hear you.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Representation matters. So, let’s first look at cook county’s third district where four time incumbent Frank Polaski is running against 29 year old lawyer, Charlotte Raines. Now, Charlotte has no experience in politics.

Jamele Demmings: Which is exactly why we need her. This is what I’m talking about. New voices. It’s the only way any change will happen.

Lisa Crowder: Okay, I like that. You bet on black, girl.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Looks like we got out favorite there. Let’s go to district J. Louis Tibbs0 which features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott Trebor is running against Rashad Carter.

Jamele Demmings: A billionaire? Now, see, how can someone who’s so rich know anything about us? Okay? Money corrupts the whole system.

  1. Louis Tibbs: No. Actually, Rashad Carter is the billionaire. He owns a software company.

Jamele Demmings: Hmm. And I find that so inspiring. We need more entrepreneurs like that. We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Lisa Crowder: Look, at least he pays his taxes.

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. I gotta go with the democrat on this one.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, Scott Trebor is the democrat. Rashad Carter is libertarian.

Jamele Demmings: Which is what I like about him. He’s an independent thinker.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay, great. Let’s go to the city comp patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent candidate, Reverend D’Angelo Banks. [Reverend D’Angelo Banks looks like a rapper and he’s posing like one.]

Lisa Crowder: No, sorry. I knew this man in elementary school. for some reason, he had a dukie stain on his shoulder. So, he’s a pastor now?

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, he has only been a reverend for eight months. And he has no church. He says that god has got him ‘on their way’. Let’s take a look at one of his recent Town Halls.
[Cut to reverend D’Angelo Banks speaking in his Town Hall. He is alone.]

D’Angelo Banks: Ay, to the man. Yes friends, the rumors are true. I spent money on a lot of strippers. But, you have to understand that was only because I owned a chain of strip clubs. But I put that life behind me right after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud, hallelujah. Outlaw masturbation, I don’t love it. Amen.

[Cut back to the studio]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Looks like their town hall took place outside of a dry cleaners. Alright, do we like reverent Banks?

Jamele Demmings: Absolutely.

Lisa Crowder: Oh, come on. He just said he committed tax fraud. The comptroller handles the city’s money.

Jamele Demmings: Which is perfect. He knows the system and all the loopholes. It’d be like hiring Wesley Snipes to do your taxing.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Let’s go over to district 6 where the district’s first Asian representative Daniel Lee is running against a conservative online duo that was featured on Fox News and recently spoke at the CPAC convention, Crystal and Caviar.

Lisa Crowder: I actually didn’t know it was legal to run as a team.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Oh, it’s not. Either way, their newest live stream video came out today. Why don’t we take a look.
[Cut to Crystal and Caviar’s video]

Crystal: The media is always putting out fake news.

Caviar: Always!

Crystal: They say our president lied.

Caviar: Come on!

Crystal: Well, he is not a liar.

Caviar: Well, sometimes he just exaggerates.

Crystal: Um-hmm. And they say we have to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Caviar: No!

Crystal: But I don’t need a mask coz I am blessed. [music playing]

Crystal and Caviar: [rapping] The mask is death, the mask is death
can’t go all day smelling my own breath

[Cut back to the studio]
  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Jamele, your thoughts on Crystal and Caviar?

Jamele Demmings: Give me a minute.

Lisa Crowder: I’m sorry, but these two have absolutely no way–

Jamele Demmings: Wait! I got it. Stay with me. These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in politics, right?

Lisa Crowder: I guess.

Jamele Demmings: Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. We want someone who’s been out there working in the real world.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, both Crystal and Caviar are unemployed.

Jamele Demmings: Which is why we need to give them jobs as state representatives. Lift them up.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I’m lifting. But sometimes, it’s hard.

  1. Louis Tibbs: It’s actually not that hard. Now, we take a break, when we come back, we’ll talk about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kanye West.

Jamele Demmings: Kanye? F him!

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.