Rochelle… Kim Kardashian
Host… Alex Moffat
Chace Crawford
Tyler Cameron
Blake Griffin
Chris Rock
Amy Schumer
Jesse Williams
John Cena
Zeke… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: One mansion full of cool single guys and one eligible lady hoping to find her very own, the dream guy.
[Cut to Rochelle and Host at the show stage]
Host: Welcome back. Rochelle, you’ve had a week full of exciting dates with the guys. But now, it’s time to make a decision. Whenever you’re ready.
Rochelle: Wow. In front of me are some of the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life. I mean, you are all so amazing. [cheers and applause] When I look at you all here, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband is in this room. In fact, I wish I can marry each and every one of you, but that would be way too many husbands. When I call your name, please step forward and accept your token. First up, Chase C.
[Chace Crawford walks forward]
[cheers and applause]
Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart track with you. Thank you for telling me all about your gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.
Chace Crawford: My pleasure, Rochelle.
Rochelle: Do you accept this token of my love?
Chace Crawford: Sure, thank you. I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI. Okay, bye.
[Chace Crawford walks out]
Rochelle: Next up, Tyler C.
[Tyler Cameron walks forward]
Tyler, thank you so much for showing me your perfectly hot body. That was really vulnerable of you. Do you accept this token?
Tyler Cameron: I do, Rochelle. Thank you. I’ll see you on the hot tub.
[Tyler Cameron walks out]
Rochelle: Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets, Blake G.
[Blake Griffin walks forward]
Blake G., I’m gonna be honest, your behavior at the luau barbecue was inexcusable.
Blake Griffin: Yep, you’re right. It was.
Rochelle: But you’re also a six time NBA All Star and that intrigues me. Do you accept this token?
Blake Griffin: Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle. And you know what? I’ll work on that.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Blake Griffin: Thank you.
[Blake Griffin walks out]
Zeke: [shouting] Way go, Blake! Way go, Blake!
Rochelle: Next up, Chris R.
[Chris Rock walks forward]
Chris R., thank you for making me watch your nine HBO specials and the new one on Netflix while you sat next to me and you mouthed all of the words. I had a blast.
Chris Rock: We can watch Chappelle next time.
Rochelle: Thanks. Do you accept this token?
Chris Rock: You know I do.
[Chris Rock walks out]
Rochelle: Okay, this might be against the rules, but I’ve really connected with one of the producers on the show. Amy S.
[Amy Schumer walks forward]
Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a woman before, I just feel like there’s something that–
Amy Schumer: [taking her fingers to Rochelle’s mouth] No, shh. Shh. I feel the same.
Rochelle: Do you accept this token?
Amy Schumer: With both of my holes.
[Amy Schumer walks out]
Rochelle: Okay guys, this is where it gets really, really hard. Jesse W.
[Jesse Williams walks forward]
Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single time this entire week, but you literally are the most attractive human I’ve ever seen. So, will you accept this token?
Jesse Williams: Oh, I do. [looks back at the two gentlemen left] You guys are my best friends.
Zeke: You’re the man, Jesse! Yeah!
[Jesse Williams walks out]
[Host walks in]
Host: Alright, Rochelle. You have one token remaining. It’s down to record breaking WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke. Whenever you’re ready.
Rochelle: Okay, I’m sorry guys. I just need a second.
John Cena: It’s okay.
Zeke: Take your time. Take your time, sweetheart. All good. Take your time.
Rochelle: Okay. Okay. You are both amazing. I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate, mega jacked and very, very rich.
John Cena: Thank you.
Rochelle: And Zeke, although you’re not my normal type physically…
Zeke: Hmm, okay.
Rochelle: I was really attracted to your silly vibe and your sunny demeanor. I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting your original character Sherlock the Cat who was hilarious.
Zeke: Elementary, my dear fur ball.
Rochelle: That being said, I don’t think you asked one single question about me our entire date.
Zeke: You sure?
Rochelle: And then at the pool, you were afraid to go swimming.
Zeke: I wouldn’t say afraid. But yea, scared.
Rochelle: And John C., I don’t love that you have a wife.
John Cena: That’s fair. That’s very fair.
Rochelle: But now, I have to make a decision. Zeke or movie star and 16 time WWE champion John Cena. I’m just gonna follow my heart. John Cena.
Zeke: Wait, what?
John Cena: Thank you.
Rochelle: John C., I’m really gonna need you to figure out your wife situation. But first, do you accept this token?
Zeke: [yelling] This is crap!
John Cena: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you. I really thought it was gonna be Zeke.
Host: Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive tonight’s token. Say your goodbyes and walk into the pit.
Zeke: Wow. Um, this one hurts. I’ll definitely miss being in the house with the guys… and Amy Schumer. And Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart. But you really F’ed up today. So long.
Host: Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.
[Zeke opens the door. It’s a real pit. He jumps into it and burns.]
Host: Well, Zeke lost fair and square and paid for it with his life. We’ll be right back with more “The Dream Guy”.