Weekend Update- Puerto Rico’s Only Zoo Closes, Man Plans to Turn Jail into Airbnb

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Emmy’s Awards logo.]

Colin Jost: As this year’s award season gets underway, there’s growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of Best Actor and Best Actress, and instead call them “Best Actor and Best actor who got paid less.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says, “Man turning jail into AirB&B.”]

Michael Che: A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an Airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people.

[picture changes to Puerto Rico map]

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as “All of you can eat.”

[Ct to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a lizard.]

Colin Jost: Biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard named for its ability to run on water could spread harmful diseases to humans. They hope to control the population by introducing a punctious pilot lizard.

[picture changes to James Bond books]

It was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material. So the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter Aplenty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Disneyland.]

Michael Che: A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Married men live longer lives”.]

A new study- I tried to plow right through. A new study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life. Yeah, but for what?

[Picture changes to an article that says “Porn star’s broken penis turns black”.]

A porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and he’s really sad now, he who broke his penis and said it went completely black, which you know means it’s never going back. The man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in timberlands. [Picture changes to Timberland boots.] It’s really sad. Iit’s really sad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on monday]

Colin Jost: A new trend among younger workers is “Bare Minimum Monday” in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the workweek. While a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Clam found born same year as Lincoln.”]

Michael Che: Fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater.

You never know, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Cardi B and McDonald’s logo.]

Colin Jost: Some owners of McDonald’s franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet ass Patty.

Weekend Update on Baboons Escaping Paris Zoo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s pictures of monkeys and Eiffel tower at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Paris zoo was evacuated on Friday after dozens of baboons escaped their enclosure. [in loud voice] Starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson. [Picture changes to a cover picture of the movie ‘Baboon Escape’.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: US customs and border protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.

[Picture changes to Super bowl logo]

The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl making it the first super bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Yeah. The Giants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a camel at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World]

A Brooklyn man who needed a kidney transplant found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with his kidney request which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a shirtless oiled up man at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some Olympic fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga shirtless oiled up flag bearer from the summer games has also qualified for the upcoming winter Olympics, where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.

[Picture changes to Bacardi and Patrol logos]

Bacardi rum announced that they are merging with Patrol tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull. [Picture changes to the rapper Pitbull.]