Dave… Beck Bennett
Connie… Aidy Bryant
Laura… Melissa Villaseñor
Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson
Deidre… Heidi Gardner
Ripley… Martin Short
Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?
Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?
Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.
[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]
Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.
Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.
Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?
Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.
Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.
Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.
Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?
Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.
Ripley: For la quarantina.
Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?
Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.
Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.
Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.
Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.
Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.
Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.
Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.
Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.
Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.
[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]
Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?
Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?
Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?
Mark: Stop that.
Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.
All: Oh, that’s great.
Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?
Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.
Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.
[starts speaking in Italian accent again]
Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.
Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.
Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.
Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.
Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?
Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”
Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.
Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.
Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’
Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?
Deirdre: Just say it in English.
Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.
Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?
Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]
Dave: Yeah, bye guys.
[Everybody signs out.]
Deirdre: Ciao.
Ripley: Ciao.