Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong
Peanuts… Aidy Bryant
Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson
Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat
Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph
Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney
Nick Flint… Mikey Day
Peaches… Kate McKinnon
[starts with announcement]Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.
Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.
Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.
[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”
Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.
Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.
Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.
Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.
[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.
Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.
[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.
Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]
Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.
Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.
Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.
Peaches: Hi.
Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.
[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!
Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.
Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches. [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.
Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.
Male voice: Last call.
[All the audiences get angry]All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!
[All of them stand and walk away]Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.
