Patrick… Mikey day
John Mulaney[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]
Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.
Mikey: I’m a little nervous.
Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.
Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.
Andrew: Well, well, well.
Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.
John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?
Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.
Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.
Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!
Mikey: Okay.[They walk in]
Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.
Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?
Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.
Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.
Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?
Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .[They start playing]
Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten
John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.
Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin
Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!
All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin
Kyle: All right.
Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?
Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.
John: With a side of Cubanos.
Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?
Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.
Mikey: No, I’m not. They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.
Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.
Mikey: Swing revival revival?
Andrew: That’s right, Rover.
Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?
Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.
John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.
Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four![starts playing]
Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel
Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!
Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell
Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.
All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!
John: And a big old bottle of gin
Andrew: All right.
Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.
Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!
Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.
Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.
Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.
Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.
Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.
Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.
Mikey: What are you talking about?
John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?
Mikey: Oh, my God.
Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just… we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four![they start playing music]
When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins
Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!
Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin
John: Nice pipes, toothpick.
Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.
Kyle: That sucks!
Heidi: Don’t tell people that.
John: Do you hit her?
Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.