Judge Tango… John Mulaney
Cecily Strong[Starts with Kenan and Melissa at the court]
Melissa: Thanks again for taking my case.
Kenan: How could I not? Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood? You go over to say hi and get mauled. It’s not right.
Melissa: Do you think we’ll get a settlement?
Kenan: Absolutely. Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.
Police: Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.
Kenan: Yeah. That’s a tough break. We got the monkey judge.
Melissa: A monkey judge?
Kenan: Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.
Judge Tango: Please be seated. No one look me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered. So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey. And I will completely lose it. Also let the record show that I’m fairly close to completely losing it. The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.
Kenan: Thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.
Judge Tango: No Gumbo.
Judge Tango: [pointing at himself] Tango.
Kenan: Yeah, I know. I’m talking about a different monkey.
Judge Tango: Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.
Kenan: Should I keep going?
Judge Tango: Yeah, but I’m going to throw a little sand to show dominance.
Kenan: Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant’s house when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and–
Judge Tango: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?
Melissa: Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat. And this time I had on a green baseball cap.
Judge Tango: Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape. And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that? For you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?
Kenan: Well, he is in a hanging mood today.
Melissa: Are you sure? He’s smiling?
Kenan: No, he’s baring his teeth.
Melissa: It’s hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?
Cecily: [wearing protective gears] May the defense approach the bench in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?
Judge Tango: The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.
Cecily: As I approach, your honor, I’d like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.
Judge Tango: The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also I’ll take that shiny thing. [takes the police badge from the police] Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine. And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.
Cecily: You are the Alpha?
Judge Tango: Yes.
Kenan: Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you’re favoring the defense.
Judge Tango: That is ridiculous.
Cecily: Your Honor. I love judge.
Judge Tango: I love you.
Cecily: I love judge.
Judge Tango: You our baby. Judge love baby. Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.
Melissa: Oh, come on!
Kenan: Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.
Judge Tango: Are you suggesting that I’m not competent? Tango made these pieces match. [showing kids’ stickers] Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice. I’m getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous. So, I’m just going to dismiss the entire–
Kenan: Wait! Wait! I’d like to call a surprise witness.
Judge Tango: Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.
Kenan: Well, I got some good news for you judge. [pulls out a stuffed animal from behind]
Judge Tango: [happy and jumping] That side wins! That side wins!
Male voice: Next time on Monkey Judge, a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty. His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.