Maria… Kate McKinnon
Bowen Yang[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]
Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.
Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?
Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.
Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?
Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.
Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive
Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.
Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.
Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.
Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.
Chris: Singing. What’s that?
Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.
Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.[music playing]
Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same
How am I doing Maria?
Maria: Good. You’re doing great.
Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.
Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T
Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–
Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles
Ti- the shape of an IUD
Maria: They’re children!
Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”
Alright children. I think it’s your turn.
Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.
Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.
Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.
Do- the last name of a body found in a river
Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here
Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink
Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah
Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah
All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do![Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]
Maria: Where did you get that?
Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.
Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.
Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?
Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”
Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.
Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.
Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?[everyone is shocked]
Andrew: Greta spoke!
Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.
Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.
Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer
Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.[Kenan walks in]
Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?
Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.
Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis
Sing with me, children.
All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs