New Governess

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Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

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