Tracy… Heidi Gadner
Tate… Mikey Day
Gannon… Will Forte
Tracy: Deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot. Korbel champagne. You spoil me, Tate.
Tate: anything for my birthday girl. And I do mean anything.
Tracy: And the comments return.
Tate: I’m sorry, my wife asked for a threesome with a random guy on line for her birthday. I think I have a right to make a comment or two.
Tracy: Honey, Gannon is not a random guy online. He’s an experienced third. And I thought you were okay with it.
Tate: I am. I am. I want you to be happy. I guess I’m just nervous.
Tracy: Don’t be. [knocking on the door] He’s here. Okay, now stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.
[Tracy opens the door. Gannon walks in.]
Gannon: Hey, I’m Gannon and I’m here to have sex with you.
Tracy: Yes. Hi, I’m Tracy and this is my husband Tate.
Gannon: Hey there, Taint.
Tate: My name is Tate, not taint.
Gannon: Good. I was gonna say that’s a bad name. So look, I know it’s your first time doing this, but there’s nothing to worry about. My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice fulfilling experience. But safety first. Now, let’s see if this bed can handle the motion.
[Gannon walks to the bed slowly. Then he starts shaking the bed very roughly.]
Yeah, yeah, it’s not bad. It’s gonna work. Alright, well, let me get my Cialis here. Three pills has to do it.
Tracy: Oh, three? Wow.
Gannon: By the way, I find a threesome with a married couple works best is when the wife and I go about the night as if it’s just us. You know, it’s on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.
Tracy: Oh! That’s smart. So it’s not chaos. Feeling better now?
Tate: No. I’m not. What does that mean? Exactly?
Gannon: It means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going, don’t crowbar yourself in, you know? Remember it’s a three way, not me way.
Tracy: Wow. Yeah. That is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?
Gannon: I did. Yeah. Now heads up, Taint. The more heated I get, the harder it will be for you to get in there. This dog gets greedy with his treats.
Tate: Okay, you called me Taint again. It’s Tate. And just so I’m clear, the game plan for tonight is you’re going to make love to my wife and fight me off the whole time?
Gannon: What? No. Okay. Let me show you what I’m talking about. Okay. Alright. Okay, let’s say me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here doing our thing. [Gannon gets on the bed and starts doing his thing with the pillow] This pillow is your wife, okay?
Tate: I understand. I understand. Geez.
Gannon: Alright. Now, try to join.
Tate: Try to join in?
Gannon: Yeah.
Tate: Alright.
[Tate gets into the bed]
Gannon: [hitting Tate with the pillow] Get out of here.
Tate: Dude! What? You’re gonna hit me with my own wife?
Gannon: If I have to, yeah. Okay, look bud. You want to save the Shire? You got to get through Mordor first.
Tracy: Yes, that’s what I’d like to see tonight. My man fighting for me. God, I am so happy right.
Gannon: Now, I mentioned in my email. I’m a sweater.
Tate: Oh, yes. We have everything you asked for. 11 Full Size bath towels, 25 lemon lime power aids and a tarp to put on over the bed.
Gannon: The tarp is optional, but again, you will not believe how much I sweat. Okay, speaking of, Taint, during some of your downtime, I might call for a towel. Okay? Go ahead and grab a freshie and get my back a pat down. Then get the hell out of there.
Tate: Excellent. So I’m a towel boy now.
Gannon: Towen man. Don’t sell yourself short. Okay, last thing. Taint, just throw this mask on.
Tate: What is this?
Gannon: Well, I don’t like seeing the dude’s face when I’m doing my thing. [Tate puts on the mask] Now, it’s like you’re not even here.
Tracy: I love that. So, should we start?
Gannon: Hell yeah. Okay, I’m just gonna pop in at the bathroom. Work through a minor Cialis heart attack real quick.
Tate: Okay, so maybe my wife and I will get started while you’re gone.
Gannon: Don’t you dare!