Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.
[Picture changes to Bono]New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofMichael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”
Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.