Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Platinum Lounge

.....Maya Rudolph
.....Alec Baldwin
Doorman.....Bill Hader
.....Steve Martin
Waiter.....Martin Short
......Paul McCartney

[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]

Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I'm not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge - you have to have hosted twelve times.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, don't worry about it. Tonight, you're with me, and I always take good care of my friends.

Maya Rudolph: I know. I'm just nervous.

Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin - there's no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.

Alec Baldwin: I'm sorry, Maya - I did what I could.

[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]

Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh - thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh - let me buy you a drink! Huh?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, I'd love one - thanks.

Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey - two Scotches, please!

Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh - what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I'm here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That's great, you're hosting, it's fantastic --

[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches - the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]

Steve Martin: That's sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well - a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.

Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.

Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You're tying my hosting record toni -- You know, I didn't know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That's so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God - look! There's Paul Simon! That's fantastic!

Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec's Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That's a coat rack.

Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way - what time is it right now?

Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here - it's, uh -- [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well - shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.

Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there - it's Tom Hanks.

Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake - that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So - let's have a little drink.

Alec Baldwin: Why not?

[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]

Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast - with champagne!

Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect -- the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec's glass toward his lips ] Let's just go, let's go, let's go!

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!

Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in "The Departed."

Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?

Steve Martin: I haven't.

[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]

Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]

Steve Martin: Still sad.

Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what's amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!

Alec Baldwin: Really? where?

Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!

[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec's champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]

Alec Baldwin: I don't see it, Steve.

Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro-- oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I - I'm on the 27th floor, so just - you know - just - ah, count it up a little bit, just - yeah, that's fine -- [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don't worry about it!

Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 --

Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!

Alec Baldwin: -- 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 -- Hey, Steve, uh -- [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?

Steve Martin: No!

Alec Baldwin: Oh - okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 -- [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 --

Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot - I live in L.A.!

Alec Baldwin: Oh.

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.

Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn't that John Goodman?

Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.

[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!

[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]

Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So -- [ mimicking Steve's routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!

[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]

Steve Martin: Wait a minute - did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.

Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait - let's see: [ recounts Steve's hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 -- [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you're right! Wow! Fourteen times? I'm sorry about thiat, Steve!

Steve Martin: No, no - I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that's so wrong today!

[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]

Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you're wanted in the studio.

[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn't aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec's shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]

Steve Martin: It is - it is Paul Simon!

Martin Short: It's close enough!

Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey - [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!

Steve Martin: You gotta run?

Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney's hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!

Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!

Steve Martin: Again!

Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Martin Short: Just the three of us!

Steve Martin: Yeah. Though - can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?

Martin Short: Absolutely!

[ they all exit the Platinum Lounge ]

[ fade ]

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