Harry Styles Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen—Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in and to the stage] [Music stops] [Cheers and applause]

Harry Styles: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Than you so much. It is so great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ for the first time. [Cheers and applause] I’m so excited to be here as more than just a musical guest. It feels amazing. It feels like you find out someone likes you as more than just a friend. Saturday Night Live and I have taken things to next level. And just like all my serious relationships, we’re all going to spend one incredible night together and then we’ll never see each other again.

This is new territory for me. I’m so excited to do comedy tonight. But I just want to make it clear to you all that my priority is the music. It goes music, then comedy. Well, let’s be honest. It goes music, then fantastic hair, then comedy, then family, then friends. But ultimately, I’m a very serious musician. And nothing says serious musician like talking while playing the piano.

[Harry Styles walks to a piano]

Oh, yeah. Like this one right here.

[Cut to Harry Styles playing piano]

Oh, that feels good. You know, in Britain we play piano on the other side of the road. Now, I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not a boy band anymore. I’m in a man band now. I was in a band called One Direction. How crazy would it be if they were here tonight? Well, they’re not here. Wouldn’t it be crazy if they were, though? They’re not. I love those guys. They’re my brothers. Kyle, Louis, Liam, and um… Oh, Ringo. Yeah, that’s it! Just so grateful Simon Cowell grew up those test tubes. You know, for me, it’s not about the fame or the money. It’s about the music. It’s about the art, about the art and the music and the music and the art. I believe that music is the universal language. Especially songs performed in English ‘cause that’s the only language I understand.

Now, maybe some of you aren’t convinced I’m a serious musician. You may be asking yourself, “Is he really playing that piano right now?” Well, to find out, just take a look at the ‘B’ cam.

[Cut to Harry Style’s hands playing piano]

Read them and weep.

[Cut to Harry Styles playing piano]

I love being here at SNL. So much history.

[Harry raises his both hands and takes a sip of martini, but the piano is still playing]

I have learned so much this week. Here’s a few secrets about the show. Did you know they put make-up on the boys too? That is funny. In fact, the make-up team is so talented, I’m actually Kate McKinnon. And here’s a secret about the Rockefeller Christmas tree. It’s Jewish.

Also, everybody thinks the cast does a lot of cocaine. They don’t. That’s why the show’s not good anymore. Except tonight. I think I’m just about ready to take you home. Can we get that B-camera one more time?

[Cut to Harry Style’s hands playing piano. There are three hands.]

Mm, yeah, music. We’ve got a great show. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]