Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4




01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

CBS Evening Anthrax Update

Dan Rather.....Darrell Hammond

Dan Rather: Good evening. This is the CBS Evening Anthrax Update, Dan Rather reporting. Here are tonight's new developments.

At this hour, officials of the Center For Disease Control are confirming the presence of anthrax spores at three new locations: my desk here at CBS Nightly News, my basement weight room, and my breakfast nook. Right now, individuals known to have worked at or visited these locations are being tested for anthrax, and at the moment we have any details we'll pass them along to you.

Hold on. [ presses earpiece ] Alright. This just in. CBS News now comfirming that I.. have.. anthrax. Now, as you can imagine, this comes as a major disappointment to me personally. And, I don't mind telling you that I'm madder than a rained-on rooster about it. But listen, let's make one thing clear from the get-go - anthrax or no anthrax, I'm gonna stay right here to bring you any new developments as soon as we get them.

And here's one now. CBS News is now projecting that over at NBC News, Tim Russert.. has.. anthrax. He may not know it yet, and he may be feeling as strong as an acre of garlic. But, nonetheless, CBS News is confident that when all the test results are in, Tim Russert will have anthrax.

And, here's another. Over at ABC News, CBS now projects that Ted Koppel and Peter Jennings both have anthrax. Ted Koppel, inflammational; Peter Jennings, geltaneous.

And, over at CNBC, CBS is now projecting that Geraldo Rivera also has anthrax. Both kinds.

Now.. this, next, is something of an upset. Back at NBC, CBS is now projecting that Katie Couric does not.. have.. anthrax. I repeat: does not have anthrax. Now, this will come as a bitter disappointment to many conservatives who had high hopes the perky liberal "Today Show" host would contract the disease, at least in its geltaneous form. But tonight, they're going home empty-handed, while over at Couric-ville they're dancing in the streets.

Uh-oh! hold on to your hats, folks. In perhaps the biggest surprise of the night, CBS News now projecting that down at CNN, anchor Wolf Blitzer has both anthrax and rabies. Details are sketchy at this time, but apparently the highly-respected newsman was bitten by a squirrel caught in his attic vent.

So, to sum up where we tand at the moment - Rather, anthrax; Russert, anthrax; Koppel and Jennings, anthrax; Rivera, anthrax; Couric, no anthrax; Blitzer, anthrax, attacked by a squirrel.

This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen ,you're gonna want to hear this. CBS News is now projecting that Walter Cronkite has scurvy. In addition, the veteran news anchor may - and, I repeat, may - have anthrax. Wait, hold on.. he does have anthrax. Alright, another shocker, right here at CBS. We're now prjecting that Andy Rooney has cholera. Now, many will ask, how did the popular "60 Minutes" curmudgeon contract this rare disease? One theory - and at this point, it's just a theory - is that he may have drunk stagnant water from an air conditioner, believing it to be Scotch. Also, he has anthrax.

Alright, get the digitalis. CBS News has now another projection to make, and, believe me, it is a bombshell. Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil 'cause you're gonna want to write this down. CBS News now projects that over at NBC, the entire cast of "Friends" has head lice. Now, in light of this development, many will be certain to second-guess Jennifer Aniston's marriage to Brad Pitt, because, at the moment, her new hairdo has more unauthorized guests than a Mexican Motel 6.

Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, ‘cause it’s a humdinger. [ pause ] CBS News is now projecting that Walter Cronkite has gonorrhea. Now, with anthrax, scurvy, and yellow fever, the last thing he needs is the clap. But he's got it, and he's got it good. If I was a betting man, I'd say his chances of survival are slim and none - and slim just left town.

Now, this raises the question: how confident are we here at CBS News that our projections are accurate? Plenty confident. When we make a projection, you can take it to the bank. Our record is quite simply the best in the business, and if we say somebody has anthrax, believe me, he's got anthrax! This just in: CBS is now confirming that none of the people we have reported tonight as having anthrax actually have anthrax. I repeat: nobody has anthrax. No, wait. I.. still.. have anthrax. But I'm not going anywhere, and you can bet that when more details become available, I'll be right here to bring them to you.

Dan Rather, CBS News. Good night.


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