Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 3
Dangerous but Inept
Squeaky Fromme…..Laraine Newman
[FADE IN on the caption DANGEROUS BUT INEPT against a blood-red background, then FADE to Jane Curtin on a talk show set with potted plants behind her. The caption lingers for a few seconds.]
Jane Curtin: Hi, Im Jane Curtin, and welcome to another edition of Dangerous but Inept. Our guest this week is Squeaky…[CUT to Laraine Newman as Squeaky, decked in a flowing red dress and a red shawl around her head. She stares at the camera with a deranged look.]
Jane Curtin: Infamous for her alleged attempt on the Presidents life, and for her connection with the Manson family. Squeaky, welcome.[Squeaky pulls a pistol out from under her dress and aims it at Janes stomach.]
Squeaky Fromme: Die, lackey pig![Squeaky pulls the trigger, but the gun snaps harmlessly. She glances down at it in dismay.]
Jane Curtin: [smoothly] One thing Im sure our viewers would be interested in knowing is just how you came to be called Squeaky. Is that a nickname Charlie gave you?
Squeaky Fromme: He isnt Charlie, hes the Holy Redeemer! Bourgeois hog-face. Meet your maker.
Jane Curtin: [nonplussed] Squeaky, you, uh, made an alleged attempt on the Presidents life in September…
Squeaky Fromme: [oblivious] Fawning fascist sycophant…
Jane Curtin: Now, what made you decide that you felt strongly enough to resort to the use of violence?
Squeaky Fromme: [over Jane] Make way for the TRUE revolution, you rat-dog.[After Squeaky fires her empty pistol again, she cries pleadingly to the camera.]
Squeaky Fromme: So what if Charlies short?! Hes good, and hes kind, and he only kills what he eats!!
Jane Curtin: Join us again next week for another edition of Dangerous but Inept…
Squeaky Fromme: [checks gun] Scum! Toiling dreamer of the status quo! Eat lead!
Jane Curtin: …for a chat with Sara Jane Moore. Good night.[Squeakys empty pistol clicks again, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield