TV Funhouse
[ Lorne Michaels walks onstage at SNL’s 25th Anniversary special ]
Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels.
[ presses “Applause” button on remote control, forcing applause from his audience ]
Lorne Michaels: Thank you.
[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control, eliciting a standing ovation ]
Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Thank you.
[ presses “Misty Eye” button on remote control, eliciting tears from his audience ]
Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Really. [ applause quiets ] You know, I think it was when John and Danny were coming into their own, and Chevy came back to host, that the show really had that thing of “Are we a hit? Now is a-“
[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]
[ cut back to Lorne finishing his speech ]
Lorne Michaels: ..and now Jimmy Fallon is hot, and that’s the show!
[ presses “Bottom Shock” button on remote control to awake his sleeping audience ]
Lorne Michaels: Thank you.
[ presses “Ejecto Magnet” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler flying into his arms for a hug ]
Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Mike. Adam, that’s really not necessary. Thank you both.
[ presses “Release” button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler running back into the audience ]
Lorne Michaels: We’ve had a lot of fun tonight, but, as you know, “Saturday Night Live” isn’t just about glitzy guests and fabulous outfits and glamorous parties. It’s also about merchandising. No self-congratulatory celebration would be complete without a nod to the hot new line of “SNL” anniversary gear you’ll be hearing about in loud commercials during the 2 AM Jay Leno show.
[ Lorne holds up first product ]
Lorne Michaels: First, Conehead Suppositories. Beldar and his family are anything but regular, but why shouldn’t you be?
[ Lorne holds out next product ]
Lorne Michaels: Here’s the Dennis Miller Squeeze-Me Doll.
[ Lorne squeezes the doll ]
Dennis Miller Squee-Me Doll: And what about the people who transverse the entire Gatston Purchase with their f–king turn-signal off? What do you think that clicking sound is, Assface?!
[ Lorne holds out last product ]
Lorne Michaels: And, finally, Chico Escuela’s Berry Berry Good Orange Drink. I was in St. Bart’s when they approved this one.
And if that’s not enough, here’s a few quick clips from the 45th Anniversary show, available on VHS.
[ cut to futuristic clip of heavyset Wayne and Garth ]
Wayne & Garth: We’re not.. worthy! Sch..wing!
[ cut to futuristic clip of wrinkly Paul Simon singing ]
“Still crazy after all these yearrrrrsss..”
[ cut to futuristic clip of elderly Lorne Michaels wearing tissue boxes for shoes ]
Lorne Michaels: And I think it was when Chevy first did Ford that –
[ Lorne is zapped by lightning ]
[ cut back to present-day Lorne Michaels addressing his present-day audience ]
Lorne Michaels: Yes, the “SNL” anniversary is the talk of the town, and the hottest ticket. Everyone wants a seat to this show. The only hard part is whom to choose. [ bites pinky finger ]
[ singing ]
“So many performers
all deserving, you’ll agree
But someone has to seal their fate
I suppose.. it.. should.. be.. me!
Let’s put Steve and Billy in the front
with Molly in between!
Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney
feel like Row 14!
For Victoria and Garrett,
Row 9 should do!
Let’s put Gwyneth in Row 1
and the Paltrows in Row 2!
For Jon it’s tough to pick it
but I think Row 8’s the ticket!
Now, let’s balcony the cast
from the years I was away!
Could we possibly booth the Green Room
for Andrew “Dice” Clay?
Robin Duke and Gary Kroeger
can have a pleasant chat
Seated 20 rows behind
Eddie Murphy and his ca-a-a-a-attt!”
[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with “Edited For Time” SUPER ]
[ cut back to Lorne putting the finishing touches on his act ]
Lorne Michaels:
“‘Cause it’s.. my… sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwww!!”
[ a la Bugs Bunny cartoon, Jon Lovitz holds Lorne to as high a note as possible, until the room caves in over him ]
Jon Lovitz: [ walks past, chewing on carrot ] Yeah, that’s the ticket!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts
