Urkel Reboot

[Starts with video clips from the trailer]

Male voice: This week Peacocke dropped the trailer for Bel Air. Executive producer Will Smith’s modern dramatic reimagining of the Fresh Prince story.

Smith: This time we’re trying to make you forget where you came from.

Male voice: Now, we’re proud to debut the trailer for the next 90’s show about the black experience to be given a serious high stakes remake.

Urkel: Chicago. People from outside call it Chiraqu. But I call it home. Around here, ain’t no good news in the newspapers page. Only advantage I got, my mind. That don’t count for much nice streets. Because out here, you gotta make your own name.

Male voice: From executive Producers Jaleel White and  Kevin Fenley, writer of The Family Matters episode, “Urkel accidently switches bodies with the president.”

Kyle: Ooh! Ay! Look at Tina, she thick.

Urkel: There’s only one girl for me, y’all. Who Laura Winslow? That bougie neighbor girl?

Male voice: The Goofy characters you loved in the 90s with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

[Urkel is on Laura’s door]

Urkel: Flowers my pet.

Laura: Steve, it ain’t like that between us. I’m not your pet.

Urkel: I love you.

[Laura’s dad interrupts]

Laura’s Dad: What are you? Deaf, Steve? She ain’t interested. Now, get the hell out of here.

Laura: You hard on that boy dad. No life ain’t been easy for him. Father’s gone. Mothers are drunk.

Urkel’s mom: When are you gonna stop working on that stupid robot and make some money for the family?

Urkel: What family?

Urkel’s mom: I raised a damn nerd.

Male voice: A young genius alone in the world.

[Urkel seeks Laura in the bed with Andrew. He destroys the robot he’s making.]

Urkel: [at Andrew’s door] You don’t love her!

Andrew: No. But I love how she makes it clap. [Urkel punches Andrew] Oh, you broke my nose.

Urkel: Did I do that? [Urkel starts beating up Andrew] Did I do that? [Urkel pulls up a gun] What if I shot you in the face? Should I do that?

[Laura’s dad comes. He’s a police]

Laura’s dad: Drop the gun, Steve.

Male voice: RollingStone writes “Family matters is the number one worst choice for a sitcom to modernize like this one.” Entertainment Weekly adds this gift of Kevin Hart. Looking horrified.

Laura’s dad: You pull a gun out on kid, Steve. Steve Urkel I know is way too smart for that hood nonsense.

Urkel: Y’all don’t know what it’s like down here.

Laura’s dad: Son, I’ve been a Chicago cop for 20 years.

[Cut to Laura’s dad interrogating Mikey]

Laura’s dad: Where’s the girl?

Mikey: Go to hell, pig.

Laura’s dad: Pig? [he hurts mikey] Oink, oink, bitch!

[Cut back to Laura’s dad with Urkel]

Laura’s dad: If you continue down this path, you’re gonna wind up dead or locked up by your 18th birthday.

Urkel: Ain’t nobody gonna care if I’m gone. I ain’t got a family.

Laura’s dad: You’re wrong, Steve. The Winslow’s are your family. And family [bleep] matters.

Male voice: Urkel, streaming this spring on Peacock.