Twitter Council

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: On October 27, Elon Musk completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter. On October 28, Musk publicly announced a content moderation council to review previously banned accounts. Then promptly fired thousands of Twitter employees. So things are going great. We now go live to the first content moderation council meeting.

[cut to council meeting]

Kenan: Good morning, everyone. Today we will decide if suspended accounts will be led back on Twitter.

Chloe: And who better to do it than us, the only two Twitter employees who haven’t been laid off?

Kenan: Yet.

Chloe: All right, let’s begin our first fan account. State your name?

Cecily: Yes. You wish. But here’s what I will tell you. The COVID pandemic was created by big pharma to silence me. Everybody tries to silence me. “Ma’am, please speak at a lower volume.” I’m sorry. Am I too loud for your precious intensive care units? You aren’t even sick.

Chloe: And why were you banned?

Cecily: Posting whole.

Kenan: Fine. Next we have banned Twitter user Alpha Dog of war.

Alpha Dog of War: Wah!

Cecily: Oh, a veteran.

Alpha Dog of War: In a manner of speaking, yes. I served honorably in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

Kenan: I see And why were you banned?

Alpha Dog of War: One of my own squad mates killed me then laughed about it and called me a boomer. So I did what any hero would do. I posted his real name, home address and middle school schedule and said “Twitter do your thang.”

Kenan: I mean, sounds harmless, right? Next.

Amy: Hi. Oh my god, your profile is so funny. I love funny guys.

Kenan: Well, thank you very much, but why were you banned?

Amy: They said I was a bot which is crazy. I’m all woman and I love funny guys like you. And fact, you should check out this website where me and some other girls hang out and meet cute guys. www.sexpalace.bitcoinscam.iraq

Kenan: Sounds a little too good to be true.

Amy: Oh my god, you’re so funny. I bet you have an awesome social security number.

Kenan: Nah. Isn’t that crazy? It’s just 04371…

Chloe: No. Don’t tell her.

Kenan: Why not? We vibing.

Chloe: Okay, who’s next?

Punkie: What’s good? Um, I’m here on behalf of Black Twitter. And we heard that Elon Musk was gonna charge us $8 to use Twitter. And we just want to say, “Nah, dawg.” We ran across our answers on over the MySpace and get deck popping again.

Kenan: Note it. I will see you there. All right, next account. Oh my god. Hello.

Donald Trump: That’s right. It’s me, Donald John Trump. Just John, not Jonathan. But I know many Jonathan’s and I respect all of them. But none more than JDD himself. Jonathan Dayla Damas, who is a person of random. You know, I saw him on Home Improvement, I said, “That kid’s gonna be a star.” And he was for a very brief time. But JDD was very nice to Jimmy Jason, man of the house was he? And many are saying “Chevy, not very nice sunset, a community.” Won’t be back for reboot. Can you believe that?

Chloe: Sure. But why do you want to be back on Twitter? I mean, didn’t you start your own social media website?

Donald Trump: Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes, we’ve all moved to true social and we love true social. It’s very great. And in many ways, also terrible. It’s very bad. Very, very bad. It’s a little buggy in terms of making the phone screen crack and the automatically draining of the Venmo. Anyway, let me back on Twitter. I’ll do another go Vivi. I won’t do anything bad except maybe coup.

Chloe: Alright. Might as well roll the dice, right.

[phone notification beep]

[Kenan checks his phone]

Kenan: Oh, Elon just tweeted and we’re laid off too.

Chloe: Oh, yeah. We’re finally free.