Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang
Heather… Heidi Gardner
Kayla… Chloe Fineman
Tracy… Sarah Sherman
Dale… Kenan Thompson
Henry… Devon walker
[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]
Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…
Intro:So you think you won’t snap!
Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.
[Heather walks to the spot]
Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.
Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.
Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.
[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]
Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.
Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.
Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.
Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.
Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.
Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?
Heather: That’s a fun fact.
Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.
Heather: Why are you doing this?
Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?
Heather: No, I’m totally good.
[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]
Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.
[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]
Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?
Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.
[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]
Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.
Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.
Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.
[Kayla takes the seat]
[cheers and applause]
Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.
Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.
Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.
Kayla: What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.
Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.
Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.
Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.
Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.
Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.
Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?
Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.
Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.
Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.
[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]
Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!
[cut back to Kayla]
Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]
Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.
[Dale takes the seat]
[cheers and applause]
Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?
Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.
Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.
[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]
Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.
Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—
Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.
Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.
[Henry is sitting on the spot]
Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.
Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.
Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.
Henry: Why would I in my hand?
Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.
Henry: I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.
Morgan Freegirl: In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.
Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.
Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.
Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.
Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.
Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?
Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.
Henry: Can I get a new topic?
Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.
Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.
Henry: Okay, thank you.
Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.
[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.]
[Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]
Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.