Tag: season 48

Miles Teller Monologue

Miles Teller

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miles Teller.

[Miles Teller walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Miles Teller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of SNL. This is my first time hosting and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends What celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a young De Niro, maybe a Paul Newman. And they were like “Nope, Rachel Maddow.” I didn’t see it personally. But then one of them sent me this this year. [A pictures of him and Rachel Maddow appear where they look similar]

I was in a movie called Top Gun Maverick. And one of the things that I loved about the movie is that it really seemed to bring people together. I mean, it’s not every day you get a movie that’s loved by both the military community and the gay community. That worked out. It was also amazing getting to work with Tom Cruise. I mean, that guy is legend. We both pushed ourselves to the absolute limit for this movie. I mean, he did his own stunts, and I grew my own moustache. In the movie, there’s a scene where my character rooster plays and sings Great Balls of Fire on the piano. And, you know, I played piano a bit growing up so I told him, “Look, I don’t need a double guy. So I will do this myself. I’ll do it live.” So I learned the song and I practiced it a bunch. I even took piano lessons. My instructor was JK Simmons. He was surprisingly nice. Thank you JK. And onset, I played the entire song beginning to end. And then when I saw the movie, this is what they ended up using.

[a funny clip from the movie plays]

I gotta say I am so honored to be here. Growing up, me and my family would watch SNL every week, and then my sisters and I would reenact some of the sketches. And my mom would videotape them. One of our favorites was the Spartan cheerleaders, you know with Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri. I of course played Cheri Oteri because I was eight and I had the frame for it. Now I thought that video was lost. But my mom found it. And she’s here tonight and she brought it. [an old video of him and his sister playing Spartan Cheerleaders is playing]

Sister in the video: Ready?

Miles Teller: That’s me in the tank top. My sister Erin is playing Will Ferrell. Oh yeah. And if you look in the background, that’s my other sister Dana. Pretty sure she’s playing Lorne Michaels. And then we finish our routine with the classic “Who’s that Spartan in my TP.”

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Miles Teller: Nailed it. But seriously, how crazy is that? My parents used to watch me doing skits in my living room. And now they’re here watching me host Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] We got a great show for you tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli]

[cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Grimace

Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.

Charmin Bears

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Daughter… Punkie Johnson

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Son… Myles Teller

William… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]

Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.

Mom: Honey, everything okay?

[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]

Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch

All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!

Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.

Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.

Mom: Amen.

Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?

Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.

Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?

Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.

Mom: Oh my god. What?

Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.

Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.

Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.

Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.

Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.

Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.

Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,

Mom: Keith, relax.

Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!

Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.

Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?

Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?

Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.

Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.

Dad: You are not my son.

Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.

Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.

Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?

Son: But what about what I want?

Mom: Well, what is it?

Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.

Dad: We danced at the beginning.

Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?

Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.

Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?

[William walks in]

William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.

Daughter: That’s our kitchen.

William: Then you have my apologies.

Dad: Who is this?

Son: I met him in dance class.

Dad: What?

William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.

Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.

Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.

Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.

William:  Hey, don’t be.

[They start doing the TikTok dances]

Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Mom: Honey, you’re crying.

Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!

Caribbean Queens

Trinity Summers… Ego Nwodim

Deseret Wingo… Heidi Gardner

Leah… Punkie Johnson

Gordy… Myles Teller

Brock… Kenan Thompson

Frank… Devon Walker

[Starts with Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo dancing and drinking cocktails in a bar]

[music playing]

Both: Hello. We’re moving. We’re moving. We’re moving.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, welcome to Caribbean Queens.

Trinity Summers: My name is Trinity Summers.

Deseret Wingo: And I am Deseret Wingo. And we are coming to you live…

Trinity Summers: And hungover…

Deseret Wingo: From Grabbers Resort and Spa where the party never stops.

Trinity Summers: You know, we met on Spirit Airlines on the way over. Yeah, we came over here for a week long vacation but we’ve been here for five amazing months. We’re doing a little eating, zero praying and a whole lot of loving.

Deseret Wingo: Plus, you know what? It’s off peak, which means there’s no sun, but there’s also no women younger than us.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, we’re bragging. Yes we are. Okay, now play our song.

[music playing]

Now our theme song is of course by the greatest Musician of the last Deseret Wingo00 years, Mr. Billy Ocean.

Deseret Wingo: No man sing so good, they named the ocean after him. Which brings us to the first segment of every show, Google if Billy Ocean is still married.

[Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo start googling]

Trinity Summers: Ah, he is.

Deseret Wingo: Still?

Trinity Summers: That bitch.

Deseret Wingo: Well, bless their love, and that means I need a drink. Please welcome our favorite bartender, Lisa.

Trinity Summers: Hey, Lisa.

[Gordy walks in with drinks]

Leah: Hey, my name is Leah. But that’s okay.

Trinity Summers: We love her.

Deseret Wingo: We’re so close.

Trinity Summers: We’re like family.

Deseret Wingo: We don’t even tip her.

Leah: But you could.

Deseret Wingo: Now our next segment is what we got up to this week?

Trinity Summers: We went parasailing, shorts fell off. Jet skiing, shorts fell off. Breakfast bar, you know our shorts fell off.

Deseret Wingo: All right. Well, our guest today, as always, are some hunky guys we met last night that we’re now going to speak to in the light of day.

Trinity Summers: That’s right. We’re gonna see if the sparks are still sparking. Come on out Gordy and Brock.

[Gordy and Brock walk in sipping cocktails]

Gordy: Hey ladies, looking good.

Brock: Yeah, looking well lit but still good.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, so you remember us?

Brock: Yeah, we do. I just don’t remember if it was like fun or like “Oh-oh!”

Trinity Summers: It was both.

Deseret Wingo: Little bit of both. So we want to know more about you. You said last night you were a sports agent.

Brock: I sell catheters.

Deseret Wingo: Well, hook a girl up.

Trinity Summers: And I’m trying to remember what you said your job was? Lawyer.

Gordy: White rapper.

Trinity Summers: Oh, okay. I love white rap.

Gordy: Well, I do rap and reggae too. I go by Swaggy, that’s White Swaggy. [singing Shaggy’s verse] Life is one big party when you’re still young

Trinity Summers: Okay, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to go.

Deseret Wingo: Yeah, I’m poppin, okay? So all right, it’s time for the final vibe check. Let’s see if the vibes are still vibin.

[music starts playing. They start dancing]

Deseret Wingo: Okay, this is nice. Oh, get it a little closer to me. Oh, Trinity, my guys got a hardy.

Brock: No. No, I don’t.

Trinity Summers: Well, let me just check mine. Okay, he’s growing, all right. It’s getting there.

Gordy: Oh, my bad.

Trinity Summers: No, baby. It’s a good thing.

Trinity Summers: Okay.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, I think we’ve got to wrap this show up before shorts fall off?

Leah: Oh, get it ladies. You two are the proudest, oldest skanks I’ve ever seen.

Trinity Summers: We love you too.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, now play us out Billy’s little brother Frank Ocean is here.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, give it to us, Frank.

Frank: Yo, I keep telling you, we are not related.

Trinity Summers: Oh, come on. Just get over here and sing the damn song.

[everyone start singing]

BeReal

Miles Teller

Mikey Day

[Starts with people doing their work in the bank.]

Ego: Hey, how are you today?

Male voice: I’m well.

Female voice: Perfect. You had it waiting for me.

[Miles and Mikey walk in. They look at each other, then pull out their handguns]

Miles: Everybody on the ground. [people start panicking]

Mikey: [walking towards teller] You, we need everything from the vault in the bag.

Miles: We always say no one else to get hurt.

Bowen: Oh my god.

[Heidi is trying to open the vault]

Mikey: Open the vault lady.

Heidi: I am going as fast as I can.

Mikey: Well, pick it up.

[The vault opens. Heidi gets inside the vault. Then there’s a phone beeping.]

Miles: What was that?

Bowen: I’m sorry, I’m not calling the police, I swear.

Miles: Slide it over now or we kill you.

Bowen: I want you but I can’t. Because it’s-

Mikey: What is it?

Bowen: It’s time to be real.

Miles: Time to be what?

Bowen: Time to be real.

Ego: Wait, it is?

Andrew: I just got the notification, it’s time to be real.

Mikey: Okay, everybody shut up.

Miles: Yeah. Or tell us what being real is.

Bowen: It’s amazing. It’s this app that blew up over the summer. It’s the only honest social media.

Miles: You think I’m an idiot? Honest social media doesn’t exist.

Bowen: You’re so cynical. I was too. But with Be Real, you can only post once a day when the app sends out a notification.

Ego: So everyone post a pic at the same time no matter where they are, or what they’re doing.

Miles: Oh, so there’s no postures.

Mikey: Stop engaging.

Miles: It’s not status oriented and that’s why it’s called Be  Real.

Bowen: Yes, sir. You’re getting it.

[Mikey shoots on the ceiling]

Mikey: Everybody needs to shut— [people start taking pictures of them being robbed] What are you guys doing?

Bowen: We all have two minutes to post. Quick, quick, pose, pose.

[Miles poses for the photo]

Miles: Wait, wait, wait. So is it a picture of you or me?

Bowen: That’s the other thing. It takes a front and back facing photo at the same time.

Miles: No, what? That is crazy.

Mikey: Do you guys like all work for Be Rea or something?

Andrew: No, we’re just so aligned with the mission of the platform.

Mikey: Okay. [Sarah is trying to move around] You don’t even think about it.

Ego: Where the hell is security? [The security are also taking pictures for the app] Come on, download it. You don’t want to post late.

Miles: What happens if we post late?

Andrew: It tells people.

Miles: No.

All: So then everyone knows that you being real wasn’t being real.

Miles: Okay. I downloaded it.

Mikey: Dude!

Miles: And I’m gonna be real…

Mikey: No!

Miles: About exactly what I’m doing.

Mikey: Don’t post this on social media.

Miles: No. [inspirational music playing on background] No more curation. I don’t care who knows what I’m doing right now. I’m gonna be real.

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to pictures of Miles and Mikey in jail]

Male voice: Download Be Real today. Before a couple of months before it stops being fun.