Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Chucky

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chucky… Sarah Sherman

Jake Gyllenhaal

Janet… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with ladies talking in the restroom]

Chloe: Oh my god, these meetings kind of have been brutal.

Melissa: I know I can barely keep my eyes open.

Ego: You guys, I’m so done with Janet.

Chloe: Okay, she is awful.

Ego: I know.

Chloe: She’s always like running down the hallway so fast. It’s like what’s the big rush Janet? You don’t actually do anything.

Ego: Ha-ah-ha. And does she have to eat tuna every day?

Melissa: Makes me sick. And she chews with her mouth open like a farm man.

Ego: Yes.

Chloe: Okay. The worst is when she’s quiet. It’s so creepy.

Ego: Seriously, yesterday when we were carpooling, I completely forgot she was in the car because she didn’t say a word the whole time. And all of a sudden, she just pops up in the backseat out of nowhere like Chucky.

[everyone laughing. Suddenly, someone flushes the toiled behind them. Then real Chucky walks out of the toilet and washes his hands.]

Chloe: Hey, Chucky.

Ego: We didn’t realize you were in there.

Chucky: Well, I was.

Melissa: Did you hear us talking?

Chucky: No, not really. Oh, in a part where you compared me to Janet, you filthy slut? [pulls out a knife] You’re not gonna mess with me.

[Chucky attacks them] [Cut to an HR meeting. All the ladies’ hair are messy.]

Jake: I know no one likes getting called into an HR meeting but given what happened this morning, I felt it was necessary. Chucky, as you know we have a company policy against stabbing your coworkers in the legs with a knife. But ladies, we also have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. What you said about Chucky was uncalled for. Especially comparing him to Janet who we all know sucks.

Janet: I’m sorry. Why do I have to be here?

Jake: To take notes, Janet. I diot.

[everyone laughs at Janet.]

Jake: Okay, so how can we stop this kind of thing from happening in the future?

Chucky: [pulls out a knife] By putting these benches in body bags?

Ego: See? That’s it right there.

Melissa: Chuck is always saying things like that.

Chloe: I also think these gender neutral bathrooms were a big mistake. Only because now I have to worry about Chucky dropping down from the ceiling and landing on my back while I’m sitting on the toilet.

Chucky: Don’t tap me with a good time.

Ego: Ooh, Chucky, stop.

Jake: Chucky, I understand that when your feelings get hurt, your first instinct is violence. For example, you’re stabbing me in the leg right now. [Chucky is actually stabbing him]

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: See? He doesn’t belong here.

Jake: Yes, he does. Each of us has a different story. Megan, you have a background in PR. Peggy, you were in the military. And Chucky, you did an ancient voodoo curse that when combined with a lightning strike transferred your soul to the body of adult, that’s something that no one else here can say.

Chloe: He’s not even listening.

Jake: Wow. I think we’re making progress.

Melissa: Look!

[Chucky has two bombs in his hands]

Jake: Oh my God!… Janet!  Are you eating tuna right now?

[The office explodes.]

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Angelo Wedding

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Bride… Cecily Strong

Groom… Alex Moffat

Meg… Sarah Sherman

Jake… Jerrod Carmichael

[stars with an announcer announcing the performer]

Announcer: Next up, we have a special treat, as a gift from the bride’s parents, they have booked her favorite artist, I can’t believeI get to say this. Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Cheers and applause]
[Angelo is sitting on a chair alone on a spotlight.]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Happy wedding. For all days.

[The bride is excited about the performer.]

Bride: Yes! Oh, my God, Angelo! He’s actually here!

Groom: Wait, what is this? Who’s Angelo?

Bride: He’s just my all time favorite. Angelo does covers of, like, any song you want and re-imagines it in the most beautiful and honestly enlightening way. Okay, shh. No, he’s starting.

Angelo: Love for this today in air. Always. Can I get one suggest?

Bride: Stevie, give him a song to play.

Groom: What? Oh, sweet. OK, uh, how about “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

Angelo: ♪S-Say, say it for me?

Groom: Yeah, uh, Brown-Eyed Girl.

[Now, Angelo is lying on the chair.]

Angelo: S-say it for me?

Groom: Brown-Eyed Girl.

Angelo: Brow for Ba-fa-ra-bas [gibberish].

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

Then I don’t like that

If I ever see it like this for me

Tonight

Thank you for this.

Bride: I mean… Okay, can you believe that? Angelo, bringing the house down at my wedding.

Groom: Oh, yeah. That didn’t sound like “Brown-Eyed Girl” though.

Bride: OK, oh, good one, sweetheart.

Angelo: I — Water for this — [clears throat]

[A weird looking girl walks to him with a glass of water]

Groom: Who is that?

Bride: What? That’s his assistant, Meg. She’s a billionaire.

[Meg is sprinkling water to Angelo with her fingers and Angelo is trying to get water using his tongue.]

Angelo: Another song for this to play.

Bride: Yes! Come on, Steve, do it, sweetheart. Let’s do something fun.

Groom: Okay, um, I guess Prince. Let’s do “1999”.

Angelo: Say for me?

Groom: Come on, man. “1999.”

Angelo: “2002.”

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

[Melodic gibberish]

If I ever see that for me, like this

tonight 

Thank you for this.

Bride: Oh, my God. God. Even, like, most people won’t even attempt to do a Prince cover.

Groom: Yeah, I’m not sure he did.

Angelo: Now because love and special for tonight, I bring drum here.

[5 walks in with a set of drum.]

Bride: No! Oh, my God, no — no way!

Groom: What? Who is that?

Bride: That’s Jake, the Pride of Ghana. He’s what vulture called “why the world fell in love with drums again.”

Groom: Jake? Why do they have such boring names.

Bride: Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, Steve?

Jake: For drums, I need song.

Angelo: For party, one suggest.

Groom: What is happening?

Bride: I’m sorry, do you even hear yourself? I’m sorry they’re not Bon Jovi, you ignorant himbo.

Groom: Himbo?! Okay. I’ll give them a song to play. “At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: S-Say for us?

“At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: [gibberish]

Angelo: Drums for this.

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: No, no, no, two drum hits? Bum-bum? Why is that good?

Bride: Bum-bum. Bum-bum, moron! It’s a heartbeat. The heartbeat of the people of Ghana.

Bride: What?

Jake: Another song for one.

Angelo: Yes. Do it for this.

Groom: Okay, you know what? I’ve obviously ruined everything, so let me try to make it up to you, okay, babe? Uh, it’s the song that we heard the night that we met. How about “I Got a Feeling?”

Jake: “I Got a Feeling.”

Angelo: Black-Eyed Pea-Pea.

Groom: Whoa, alright.

Angelo: [singing] I got a feeling

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Toooooooonight

Jake: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: Wow. Alright, that’s incredible. I get it now. I get it! Yeah.

Word Crunch

Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes

Cara… Zoë Kravitz

Sheila… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Aristotle Athari

Chris… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.

[Cut to the show set]

Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.

Cara: Hi, there.

Sheila: Happy to be here.

Dave: Whooo!

Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.

Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.

Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.

Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.

Jean: You got it. Five points.

Dave: I see “Cat”.

Jean: Great, three points.

Cara: I see “Momhole”.

[Wrong answer buzzer]

Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.

Dave: Dog.

Jean: Nice three points for Dave.

Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.

Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.

Cara: Why not?

Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.

Cara: But I want to connect them.

Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.

Cara: Momhole.

Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.

Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.

Jean: Why are there two?

Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.

Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.

Jean: That’s great, five points.

Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.

Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…

Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..

Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.

Jean: Great, that’s seven points.

Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?

Jean: Yes.

Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.

Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.

Cara: Am I allowed to guess?

Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.

Cara: No problem. Himhole.

Jean: No.

Cara: Gay4hole?

Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.

Cara: Jacksonhole.

Jean: What?

Cara: Holefoods.

Jean: Please don’t.

Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.

Jean: Come on!

Cara: And Mmmhole.

Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?

Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.

Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?

Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?

Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.

Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…

Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.

Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.

Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.

Cara: Okay, Momporn.

Jean: No.

Cara: What is your problem with mom?

Jean: Do you see anything else?

Sheila: Friend.

Dave: Beach.

Cara: Scissoring.

Sheila: Cloud.

Dave: Water.

Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.

Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.

[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]

Sheila:  I see one.

Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?

Jean: Yeah, just say it.

Sheila: Bbb.

Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.

Meatballs

Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat

we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Winter Formal

Donna… Sarah Sherman

Ron… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ron And Donna’s Lacatza’s Formal Emporium commercial]

Donna: Oh-oh, there’s a nip in the air and everything’s dead. You know what that means?

Ron: It’s time for the most important day of your daughter’s life, her high school winter formal.

Donna: And if you want her to have an amazing time, call us Ron and Donna’s Lacatza. Our formal Emporium is your one stop shop for all your daughter’s school dance needs.

Ron: We’ve got corsages fresh from our garden.

Donna: We’ve got dresses that are as pretty as she is, depending on the girl.

Ron: And if you’re worried about your daughter having sex after the dance, don’t be. We have the perfect solution.

Donna: She can take our Shawn Donovan. Because Donovan…

Donna and Ron: Wouldn’t know where to start.

Shawn: Aw, come on.

Donna: We’ll also provide her with a photographer who will take gorgeous photos.

Ron: And a limousine that we made out of two gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

Donna: And we our sweaty Shawn, your daughter is guaranteed to remain un-penetrated.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a La-Costa promise.

Shawn: Um, maybe one day.

Ron: He’s not gonna try anything. The dude gets nervous shaking his grandma’s hand.

Donna: And he’s a lazy wiper. You can smell it.

Ron: And if you’re worried about what might go on at the after party, don’t be. Donovan’s got you covered. He medically can’t stay up past Donna0PM.

Shawn: When I get tired, I freak out.

Donna: Yum! Donovan’s just one of those kids who’s got one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shawn: Shout out Scotty and Gavin.

Ron: Enough about off putting baby boy. Let’s talk to some satisfied customers.

Heidi: I rented a dress and I got a compliment from Jason Brzezinski.

Melissa: I rented a limo and me and my friends felt like rockstars.

Ariana: I rented Donovan and on the way there, he sat up front with the driver. And he had crowns on his lips the whole night.

Ron: Yes, you see, our boy’s always got something on his lips.

Donna: Gary, Gary, zoom in on those lip.

Ron: Yeah, yeah, zoom in. [camera zooms in to Donovan’s lips] Oh! That white stuff. What is it? Is it cream cheese?

Shawn: No. Let’s just say my mouth is like this.

Donna: Who’s giving you Cream cheese, huh? I’m sorry, sweetheart. Were you still going on about some over there?

Ariana: Oh, um, yeah. Well, he didn’t dance the whole night and then he went nuts to get low.

[Starts shouting and dancing]

Shawn: To the sweat drop down in my balls!

Sorry.

Ariana: And then he got too hot and changed into like, a Los Pollos Hermanos t-shirt. Like, what even is that?

Shawn: I told you a million times. It’s the restaurant from Breaking Bad.

Ron: And if you’re somehow you’re still not convinced that our son is some secret Casanova, may we direct your attention to his clinical swamp ass.

[Shawn’s pants are wet]

Shawn: Oh, no. Don’t spin me around.

Donna: Gary, zoom in to his wet little ass.

Ron: Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at his ass.

Donna: Gary, zoom.

Ron: It’s so soupy.

Donna: It’s wet, Gary.

Ron: It’s so soupy. We don’t mean to embarrass you, Donovan, but it looks like you pissed yourself from the back.

Donna: How did he end up like this?

Ron: Well, parenting is so hard.

Donna: And I drank while I was pregnant.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a Lacatza promise.

Shawn: What is? w

[music starts playing]

Ron: Oh my god. That’s my boy’s song.

Shawn: Ay, I love this song.

Donna: So, stop by today. We do not have a website and we barely have a phone

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.] [the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.