Weekend Update- Liz Cheney on the Republican Party

Colin Jost

Liz Chaney… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, Liz Cheney lost her leadership position this week for criticizing Trump. Here to comment is Liz Chaney.

[Liz Chaney slides in]

Liz Chaney: Hello. Hi, everyone.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here. It’s been quite a week for you.

Liz Chaney: That’s right. I was kicked out of the republican party. I fell down to hell like Lil Nas X. I cracked with the devil and bounced back up on to MSNBC. Colin, the republican party is changing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. Look at me, I am everything a conservative woman is supposed to be. Blonde, mean…

Colin Jost: And?

Liz Chaney: I was done. And Colin, it’s going to be okay because people are on my side. Brave republicans ready to speak to truth and start a movement. And there are more of us than you think.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? Like, who?

Liz Chaney: It’s me, Adam Kinzinger, Chris Wallace, Dick Chaney, and Romney, her horses, Colin Jost… fingers crossed.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I’m not joining.

Liz Chaney: Are you sure? George Conway, Nancy Regan’s ghost, Meghan McCain… is not in, but I’m working on her. It’s Jared–

Colin Jost: Kushner?

Liz Chaney: No, Subway. Colin, this is the grand implosion of Trumpism. You don’t even know the size of the tsunami that’s coming. We’re talking me, Omorosa, five white women, maybe six. Have I said me?

Colin Jost: Yes. Several times.

Liz Chaney: I know, Colin. I know. It’s not great. Conservatives are leaving me high and dry. And what more can I do for you people? I oppose gay marriage even though my own sister is a les. I even tried to take away protections for gray bulls. If gay marriage is number one for lesbians, wolf rescue is number two. I shoot buffalo in the ass. And I am not conservative enough? To borrow a line, I’m sure Colin uses a lot, “Do you know who my father is?”

Colin Jost: I’ve never said that.

Liz Chaney: Republicans, I’m trying to save you. You’re like horses who won’t leave a burning barn. You’re gonna die. Accept the help. Trump lost… to my chagrin. I voted for him. I loved him like a straight sister. But he lost. And he incited a riot and that’s the truth. And I will do everything in my power to keep him from becoming president again.

Colin Jost: Great. And what is that?

Liz Chaney: It’s going to be me, Lisa Murkowski’s mom–

Colin Jost: Liz Chaney, everyone.

Liz Chaney: And Melania. This is her idea. She needs this.

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box] [Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey] [music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law

Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends

one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man

but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Morgan Wallen Party

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Morgan Wallen

Girl… Chloe Bennett

Old Morgan… Jason Bateman

Older Morgan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with guys in a]

Beck: Wow, dude, did you hear? Morgan Wallen’s at the college party, dude.

Andrew: What? But isn’t he supposed to be the musical guest on SNL this week?

Beck: Hell, yeah. I’m sure he’s taking all the necessary covid precautions. So…

[Morgan walks in the door]

Morgan: Alabama! [raising his bottle of beer] To no consequences!

[a girls comes near Morgan cheering]

Girl: Whooo! Oh my god, Morgan. I am such a fan. Do you think we can kiss and I can film it?

Morgan: Only if you promise to post it on social media.

Girl: Okay. Just on TikTok. I promise.

[Morgan starts kissing the girl.] [Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Old Morgan: Morgan! Morgan! I cam as soon as I could.

Morgan: Did you just come out of that cloud of weed?

Old Morgan: No, no. That’s just a regular time travel smoke.

Morgan: Time travel?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You see, I am you from the future. I came back here to stop you from partying tonight.

Morgan: Why?

Old Morgan: Well, trust me, somebody’s going to post a video of you ignoring covid protocols. The whole internet’s going to freak out.

Morgan: I just specifically asked her not to post.

Old Morgan: No. I know. I thought it was an airtight approach as well. But once people hear about the party, you’re in big trouble man. You’re gonna get kicked off Saturday Night Live.

Morgan: Na, na. Lorne would never do that.

Old Morgan: No, of course Lorne wouldn’t because he’s ain’t no puss. He’s a got damn man. He’s got balls of size of Toyotas. But the execs in NBC, they’re gonna force his hand, bro.

Morgan: Damn. I don’t wanna screw up an opportunity like that. Or let my fans down. I guess I’ll leave this party then.

Old Morgan: Yeah. I know it’s hard. I actually forgot how fun this party was. I mean, you got cute girls over here. You got tons of booze. I bet there’s whole hell lot of drugs around here. Maybe we stay for like, I don’t know, another five or 10 more minutes?

Morgan: Stay? At this party?

Old Morgan: Yeah. Just for like, 10-20-Morgan0-maybe more minutes. Just to really understand why it’s so raw.

Morgan: I guess. By the way, whatever happens with covid, didn’t they find a vaccine?

Old Morgan: Well I do not know. I’m only from one month in the future.

Morgan: A month?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You partied so hard, his is what you look like after a month.

Morgan: My god!

Old Morgan: Well, you don’t need to react like that, man. Now, is there gonna be a line for kissing or we just kind of free balling?

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Older Morgan: Morgan, no! I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Hold on. Who are you?

Older Morgan: I’m you from two months in the future.

Morgan: What the hell happened in those two months?

Older Morgan: A lot. Came to warn you to leave this party immediately. [pointing at Old Morgan] And you, I came to warn you about that experimental skin regiment you’re gonna try out.

Old Morgan: Alright.

Older Morgan: It might make you too hot.

Girl: Hey, Morgan! Aren’t you gonna introduce us to your cute friends?

Old Morgan: Yeah, god. Maybe we should stay. Let’s just have a couple of maybe 15 more drinks. Heck, I’m not driving. I’ll tip just for the time machine. How’s that? You know, this whole party’s basically one of our songs.

Older Morgan: And once you write the song about the party, it’s tax right off too.

[Another guy walks to Morgan]

Guy: Enough. I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Which future me are you?

Guy: I’m not. I’m just a random dude at the party. This time, it was a cloud of weed.

Morgan: Then why did you say you came as soon as you could?

Guy: Because I was so hot, I couldn’t unlock the bathroom door.

Morgan: Alright. Well apparently, I’m the only one who cares about me.

Guy: Not true, Morgan. Your fans care about you. We all care about you. And that cloud of weed has helped me see the future. Your’e gonna do the right thing accept responsibility for what you did tonight.

Morgan: What about SNL?

Guy: They’re gonna have you on two months later. I promise it. There aren’t many people willing to fly to New York right now.

Older Morgan: Hey, two months from now, that’s me.

Morgan: Well, that’s a relief I guess. But I was really excited to be the musical guest when Bill Burr was hosting.

Old Morgan: Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll end up with even a better host, my man!

Morgan: Dave Chappelle?

Old Morgan: Dave Chappelle? No, let’s not get greedy.

Morgan: Well, thank you, future Morgans and random weed guy. You inspired me to write a new song,

Old Morgan: Oh, yeah?

Morgan: It’s called “Focus on the future”.

Old Morgan: Sounds like he’s already in a better mindset.

Morgan: [singing] It’s hard to focus on the future
when the presence full of girls
if all you do is kiss all day
then you’ll miss out on world
So, let’s raise all our glass up
and I’ll thank you in advance
for giving this poor souther boy
a second yankee chance

Old Morgan: That’s beautiful.

All: Second yankee chance

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.