Morgan Wallen Party

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Morgan Wallen

Girl… Chloe Bennett

Old Morgan… Jason Bateman

Older Morgan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with guys in a]

Beck: Wow, dude, did you hear? Morgan Wallen’s at the college party, dude.

Andrew: What? But isn’t he supposed to be the musical guest on SNL this week?

Beck: Hell, yeah. I’m sure he’s taking all the necessary covid precautions. So…

[Morgan walks in the door]

Morgan: Alabama! [raising his bottle of beer] To no consequences!

[a girls comes near Morgan cheering]

Girl: Whooo! Oh my god, Morgan. I am such a fan. Do you think we can kiss and I can film it?

Morgan: Only if you promise to post it on social media.

Girl: Okay. Just on TikTok. I promise.

[Morgan starts kissing the girl.] [Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Old Morgan: Morgan! Morgan! I cam as soon as I could.

Morgan: Did you just come out of that cloud of weed?

Old Morgan: No, no. That’s just a regular time travel smoke.

Morgan: Time travel?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You see, I am you from the future. I came back here to stop you from partying tonight.

Morgan: Why?

Old Morgan: Well, trust me, somebody’s going to post a video of you ignoring covid protocols. The whole internet’s going to freak out.

Morgan: I just specifically asked her not to post.

Old Morgan: No. I know. I thought it was an airtight approach as well. But once people hear about the party, you’re in big trouble man. You’re gonna get kicked off Saturday Night Live.

Morgan: Na, na. Lorne would never do that.

Old Morgan: No, of course Lorne wouldn’t because he’s ain’t no puss. He’s a got damn man. He’s got balls of size of Toyotas. But the execs in NBC, they’re gonna force his hand, bro.

Morgan: Damn. I don’t wanna screw up an opportunity like that. Or let my fans down. I guess I’ll leave this party then.

Old Morgan: Yeah. I know it’s hard. I actually forgot how fun this party was. I mean, you got cute girls over here. You got tons of booze. I bet there’s whole hell lot of drugs around here. Maybe we stay for like, I don’t know, another five or 10 more minutes?

Morgan: Stay? At this party?

Old Morgan: Yeah. Just for like, 10-20-Morgan0-maybe more minutes. Just to really understand why it’s so raw.

Morgan: I guess. By the way, whatever happens with covid, didn’t they find a vaccine?

Old Morgan: Well I do not know. I’m only from one month in the future.

Morgan: A month?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You partied so hard, his is what you look like after a month.

Morgan: My god!

Old Morgan: Well, you don’t need to react like that, man. Now, is there gonna be a line for kissing or we just kind of free balling?

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Older Morgan: Morgan, no! I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Hold on. Who are you?

Older Morgan: I’m you from two months in the future.

Morgan: What the hell happened in those two months?

Older Morgan: A lot. Came to warn you to leave this party immediately. [pointing at Old Morgan] And you, I came to warn you about that experimental skin regiment you’re gonna try out.

Old Morgan: Alright.

Older Morgan: It might make you too hot.

Girl: Hey, Morgan! Aren’t you gonna introduce us to your cute friends?

Old Morgan: Yeah, god. Maybe we should stay. Let’s just have a couple of maybe 15 more drinks. Heck, I’m not driving. I’ll tip just for the time machine. How’s that? You know, this whole party’s basically one of our songs.

Older Morgan: And once you write the song about the party, it’s tax right off too.

[Another guy walks to Morgan]

Guy: Enough. I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Which future me are you?

Guy: I’m not. I’m just a random dude at the party. This time, it was a cloud of weed.

Morgan: Then why did you say you came as soon as you could?

Guy: Because I was so hot, I couldn’t unlock the bathroom door.

Morgan: Alright. Well apparently, I’m the only one who cares about me.

Guy: Not true, Morgan. Your fans care about you. We all care about you. And that cloud of weed has helped me see the future. Your’e gonna do the right thing accept responsibility for what you did tonight.

Morgan: What about SNL?

Guy: They’re gonna have you on two months later. I promise it. There aren’t many people willing to fly to New York right now.

Older Morgan: Hey, two months from now, that’s me.

Morgan: Well, that’s a relief I guess. But I was really excited to be the musical guest when Bill Burr was hosting.

Old Morgan: Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll end up with even a better host, my man!

Morgan: Dave Chappelle?

Old Morgan: Dave Chappelle? No, let’s not get greedy.

Morgan: Well, thank you, future Morgans and random weed guy. You inspired me to write a new song,

Old Morgan: Oh, yeah?

Morgan: It’s called “Focus on the future”.

Old Morgan: Sounds like he’s already in a better mindset.

Morgan: [singing] It’s hard to focus on the future
when the presence full of girls
if all you do is kiss all day
then you’ll miss out on world
So, let’s raise all our glass up
and I’ll thank you in advance
for giving this poor souther boy
a second yankee chance

Old Morgan: That’s beautiful.

All: Second yankee chance

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.