Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Cryptocurrency Crashes Mitch McConnell Visits Ukraine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]

Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”

Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.

[Picture changes to the Capitol building]

The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.

[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wordle with the answer “Fetus” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on His Spiritual Awakening

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With Disney+’s new Obi Wan Kenobi series on the way, it’s a great time to be a Star Wars fan. Here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: I love you, man. Che! What? Ooh!

Michael Che: What’s up, Baby Yoda? I love you too. How’s life? You got a new vibe.

Baby Yoda: Life is all good Michael. Real good. Season three, man no coming up, blah blah blah. Work, work, work. [making noise] Yeah, it is very enlightening time for me because actually, I’m spiritual now.

Michael Che: That’s right. You studied the ways of the Force, right?

Baby Yoda: Okay, relax nerd. You know when an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Michael Che: Yeah sure.

Baby Yoda: Yeah so, I basically did that with a bunch of pills and weed. And instead of a spiritual guide walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the AUX cable, and I saw God, I was like, “Oh, snap!”

Michael Che: God. Well, it sounds like a great time. Just make sure you stay safe, man.

Baby Yoda: No, I don’t tell me what to do. But yeah, I’m feeling really peaceful these days. Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy guacamole. Even got a little community going, very old mindful individuals. Yeah. So, me, Jared Leto, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder and Tila Tequila.

Michael Che: Sounds like a good crew dude.

Baby Yoda: Yes, of course. But look, I love everyone man. Even my haters.

Michael Che: Really? Because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, that’s true, but I’m older now. And I just want to say, baby Groot, I know we had our issues. But I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don’t like you. Next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you while I’m in the hot tub with your girl. That being said, I love you. And I always got your back.

Michael Che: What?

Baby Yoda: Come on, man. I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- Roe v. Wade Leaked Draft Opinion, Vladimir Putin to Undergo Cancer Surgery

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mother’s Day flowers at left top corner.]

Well, guys, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, whether you want it to be one or not.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Roe V. Wade to be overturned”]

In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once and now they’ve got to live with it forever. Hah! Sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito when he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it’s an outdated opinion from an angry 70 year old. This shouldn’t be a Supreme Court decision, it should just be a Facebook post. The opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. Here’s how you know, he quotes his own colleague, Brett Kavanaugh six times, one for each beer in the pack. He even cites Kavanaugh on civil rights, which is like citing Amber Heard on how to make a bed.

[picture changes to John Roberts]

Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was quote “The work of one bad apple.” One bad apple is also another legal argument used and Alito’s opinion. [picture changes to a painting of Adam holding an apple ad a snake attacking him] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Supreme Court has voted to overturn abortion rights, draft opinion shows” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, as a man, there’s no way I can understand the full impact of this issue. But I asked a bunch of women around the office, what their personal experience was with abortion. I gotta admit, I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to as a result.

But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people. I mean, most Americans don’t have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can’t just text Lorne in the middle of the night and say, “Yo, it happened again.” I just don’t get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don’t think of it as an abortion. Think of it as a Patriots storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I know you’re excited. Former New York City mayor and current Rumpelstiltskin, Rudy Giuliani, canceled an appearance before the January 6 committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose VCR flashing 12 o’clock.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but hey, good luck cancer.

Weekend Update Rock Roll Hall of Fame Inductees Worlds Oldest Living Dog

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]

Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?

[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]

Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Overturning Roe v Wade

Colin Jost

Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.

[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]

Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?

Amy Coney Barrett: Good.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.

Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.

Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.

Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.

Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.

Colin Jost: Just do the what?

Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.

Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.

Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.

Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.

Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.

Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.

Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?

Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.

Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.

Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!

Weekend Update Senator Marsha Blackburn on Judge Jacksons Confirmation Hearings

Colin Jost

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, here to comment is one of those senators, Marsha Blackburn.

[Marsha Blackburn slides in]

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, Colin. Wow. What a week.  All anyone is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh we crushed it. So many great smart questions. Are babies racist? Is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked an adult judge.

Colin Jost: Right, right. And what did you ask her?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, I hit her with the coup de grâce? You ready for this? Define woman.

Colin Jost: Define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Define woman. She couldn’t do it. I mean, hah?

Colin Jost: Well, kind of have a nuanced complicated question.

Marsha Blackburn: Complicated how?

Colin Jost: Well okay, how do you define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you jerking my perm? You honestly don’t know? Colin, It’s simple. It’s biology, Colin, okay? It’s your private parts. But the ones you have when you’re born, but just the bottom private parts because the top ones can like– Or not. You know what? Okay, I’m gonna do– It’s your period. Got to have your period. Unless you’re old or young or pregnant or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Scratch that. I’m going back to baby privates. Final answer.

Colin Jost: Baby privates.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, it’s not just biology. Okay. Woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. Come on, you’ve seen them. They’re always cold, they’re the ones that be shopping.

Colin Jost: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, yes, you do. You know woman is like, “Ah, ah, ah”, and man is like, “Oh, oh, oh.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. You are not making any sense.

Marsha Blackburn: You are just not getting it. Let me show you. Oh, yes. Don’t we love these big stupid dumb ass boards? [pulls in a board] These big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on. Look how simple it is. The color pink. The ones would be have hair does in the far side. Longer thinner cigarettes. They’re having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. Did you get it, yet?

Colin Jost: I think I get it less.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay, well.

Colin Jost: Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a Supreme Court justice. Because if you don’t know what a woman is, how the hell you’re gonna take her rights away? Can I get an Amen?

Colin Jost: No. Marsha Blackburn everyone.

Weekend Update Putin Misinformed by Advisers Will Smith Resigns from Academy

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith agent telling him “You crushed it at the Oscars.” Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ a picture of Will Smith at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During his acceptance speech, Will Smith said “Love will make you do crazy things.” You know it also makes you do crazy things? Crazy. But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean, you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an NDA.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Will Smith at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. He wasn’t going to but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they’re also known, Bad Boys For Life. [Picture changes to a fake movie poster featuring them all] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Also, can we stop pretending everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect this to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, “Don’t act I know I had psoriasis.” Just selfishly, as a comedian, I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions. I mean, I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back “Stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis… out your mouth.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Rock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now, we just asked the victim right after they get hit in the head? “Hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? You don’t want to make a man again!” I can’t believe the Academy has a worst concussion protocol than the NFL. And honestly, I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were googling, “Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?” I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction ,but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it’s hard for him to understand nonverbal signals, sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back smiled and said, “Oh-Oh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Madison Cawthorn at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in non Oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who’s the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70 Old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?

[Picture changes to Lindsey Graham]

Senator Lindsey Graham seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn said that Ketanji Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character but he would not support her for the Supreme Court. So like many southern gentleman, he’s comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at right top corer.]

Michael Che: US officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon.

Weekend Update OJ Simpson on Will Smiths Oscars Slap

Michael Che

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week’s altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Oscars seem to have divided Hollywood with many celebrities publicly taking sides. Here the comment is, and he wrote his own intro, Heisman Trophy winner and star of Naked Gun, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson slides in]

OJ Simpson: Hey. SNL, wow. Always good to hear applause for OJ.

Michael Che: Alright, OJ, so who’s side are you on? Chris Rock or Will Smith?

OJ Simpson: Oh, now Michael, you know me. I hate conflict.

Michael Che: No.

OJ Simpson: They both seem like the guys, but honestly, I don’t even understand Chris Rock’s joke. I mean, what the hell is GI Jane?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s just a movie from the 90s.

OJ Simpson: The 90s? Oh, I don’t remember nothing from the 90s. Yeah, that whole decade is my N word. Anywho! In my humble opinion, Will Smith maybe overreacted by slapping Chris Rock? I mean, Will, I don’t want to say that you got rage issues, but hey, if the glove fits. I’m just saying.

Michael Che: Okay, so you’re Chris Rock’s side?

OJ Simpson: No, I ain’t say all that, Michael. I mean, Chris ain’t exactly innocent neither. Nobody likes to be made fun of. I mean, you might be too young to remember. But people used to make a lot of mean jokes about me.

Michael Che: Really? About what?

OJ Simpson: All kinds of stuff. The point is, sometimes jokes go too far. Especially when it’s about a man’s family. Because like Will Smith said in his speech, love will make you do crazy things… allegedly.

Michael Che: Great, so you’re on Will Smith’s side.

OJ Simpson: I already said, I’m not on anybody’s side, Michael! [yelling] Don’t you be accusing me again!

Michael Che: Alright! I ain’t accusing you, man.

OJ Simpson: [looks at the camera and smiles.] So, my love is a little bit there. Just you know, whenever people accuse me and stuff, it makes me just want to– Anywho! I just want to give them brother some advice. You know, whenever you feel anger bubbling up inside, instead of reacting, just do what I do. Take a nice long drive or maybe let a friend drive you around so you can lay down in the back and call the news stations.

Michael Che: You know, OJ, some people are saying the academy should take away Will Smith’s trophy.

OJ Simpson: [yelling] You ain’t taking my trophies, alright?

Michael Che: Relax, man. Calm down.

OJ Simpson: [looks at the camera and smiles.] Sorry about that, Michael. Hey, can I make a big confession that’s been a long time coming?

Michael Che: Yes, please.

OJ Simpson: I ain’t watch them Oscars.

Michael Che: OJ Simpson, every body.

OJ Simpson: I’m just saying, man.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.