Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.

Weekend Update Frasier Revival Muppet Show Warning

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture lf Kelsey Grammer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kelsey Grammer announced that he will star in a revival of Frasier. For those of you too young to remember, Frasier was the show that made F.R.I.E.N.D.S. look black.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airplane at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico, he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. “Sorry, that was just our engine”, said United.

[Picture changes to a boat]

A sailor who fell overboard survived for 14 hours in a Pacific ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. “Sorry, that was our other engine”, said United.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney’s Muppet Show logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Disney+ has placed a disclaimer in front of old episodes of the Muppet Show warning viewers that it features offensive content. I just want to ask, who’s about to watch Muppets, sees a warning about graphic content and doesn’t watch it? If anything, you’d be like, “I got to see this episode of the Muppets. Did Gonzo finally have sex with the chicken?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the coronavirus lowered the average life expectancy for black Americans by nearly three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay.

[picture changes to Peter Luger logo]

New York City Steak House Peter Luger has partnered with Madame Tussauds to filling it’s dining room with wax figures of celebrities during the pandemic. So now, you can enjoy your steak with Jimmy Fallon, or have a dessert with Audrey Hepburn, or have a drink with, oh no, Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Greece at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the Greek island of Lesbos. They knew it was from Lesbos because it’s double ended.

[picture changes to a Jeep]

You’re not gonna like this. The chief of the Cherokee Nation is calling on car maker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s names on it’s vehicles. So, Jeep has agreed to change the name to, wow, the Aunt Jemima mobile.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Weekend Update The Pope Appoints Women Aunt Jemima Changes Name

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis has appointed two women at Vatican post that were previously held by men. Apparently, god came to him in a dream and told him he could pay women less.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Explosives missing from marine base” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A marine base in California revealed that 10 pounds of C4 explosives have gone missing from the facility. So, it’s either a domestic terror plot or someone’s having a gender reveal party.

[Picture changes to Morgan Wallen]

It was reported that after Morgan Wallen lost his recording contract and he was caught on video using the N words, sales for his album rose over 1000% proving my long held theory that if NBC would just let me say it, the ratings will go up.

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head. There’s a picture of Popeyes burger at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Popeyes has introduced it’s first ever fish sandwich called the cajun flounder sandwich. It’s also the first ever fish sandwich to be made entirely of expired chicken.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Actress Gina Carano was fired from the Mandalorian after sharing controversial anti semitic posts on social media. Yeah, I don’t know if Star Wars is the authority on what’s anti semitic. Remember that desert junk dealer from Phantom Menace?

[Cut to the video clip of the desert junk dealer]

Junk dealer: My trick’s gonna work. Gonna make all the money.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: If that’s not Nazi propaganda, I don’t know what is.

[Picture changes to an article that says “117 year old nun survives covid]

It was reported that 117 year old nun in France had survived coronavirus. And she’s actually starting to get insulted that god doesn’t want to meet her.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Larry Flynt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler magazine has died at the age of 78. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, you send full bushes.

[Picture changes to Aunt Jemima logo]

The makers of Aunt Jemima products which has been criticized for using racist imagery, are finally changing their name to “Pearl Milling Company”. Pearl Milling is the name of the white lady who owned Aunt Jemima.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s sign and a glass of orange drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After customers Tweeted for it online, McDonald’s announced that it will bring back the fan favorite HiC orange drink.  But to honor Ronald McDonald, they’re rebranding it as “Clown Urine.”

Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Weekend Update Morgan Wallen Video Super Bowl Bets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Morgan Wallen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that country music star Morgan Wallen had his recording contract suspended after a video surfaced of the singer using the N word. Hm, wonder who he learned that from. [picture changes to Morgan Wallen walking with Colin Jost.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Michael Cohen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Stormy Daniels will appear on Michael Cohen’s podcast. Worse, Michael Cohen will appear in Stormy Daniel’s movie.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Tomorrow, the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers compete in Super Bowl 55. The mayors of each city have made a fun bet on the game pitting 50 pounds of Kansas city’s famous barbecue versus a lifetime supply of Tampa’s legendary hepatitis B.

[picture changes to a prison cell]

A Wisconsin man who was sentenced to 14 years in prison for robbing a bank said he did it because he decided to try something new. “I like that attitude,” said his cell mate.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amsterdam’s red-light district at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Amsterdam are hoping to reset tourism by moving the city’s famous red-light district away from the center of town. Okay. But take it from New York, when you drive out the sex stuff, that’s when the Elmos move in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Video shows shoppers and workers at Florida supermarket maskless” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video went viral this week of workers and customers at a Florida supermarket not wearing mask. But masks are a lot to ask in a place where the dress code is typically flip-flops and one titty out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man creates homemade rollercoaster for his kids” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Florida man spent lockdown building a rollercoaster for his children in the back yard. “Wow, I’d love to see it,” said child services.

Weekend Update New Minimum Wage Amanda Gorman Super Bowl Poem

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.

[Picture changes to a shark]

According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.

[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]

CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.

[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]

A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.