Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!

 

Undercover Office Potty

Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam… Chris Redd

Boss… Bill Hader

[Starts with Johnson working in office at his desk. Kyle walks in.]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Don’t forget, we need those reports by the end of the day.

Johnson: You got it.

[Johnson starts having stomach problem. He looks at his watch.]

Female voice: Need to go to the bathroom? But you have a lot of work to do. And it’s all the way down the hall.

Johnson: Yes.

Female voice: We’ve all been there before. Why don’t you check your lamp?

Johnson: Huh?

Female voice: Check your lamp.

[Johnson checks his big lamp. The lamp can be opened and there’s a hollow space in the lamp stand.]

Johnson: Whoa!

Female voice: Go ahead. Do you business.

Johnson: What do you mean?

Female voice: Use it as a toilet.

Johnson: Oh, now I get it.

Female voice: Introducing the Undercover Office Potty. The only toilet that looks like a lamp so you can go whenever you want and no one has to know. Just open it up and go to town. It will be our little secret.

[Johnson puts the lamp back]

Johnson: Thanks, Under Cover Office Potty. I did good.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Did you get around those reports?

Johnson: Yeah. Finished them a while ago. [whispering at the camera] I had plenty of time.

Kyle: Wait, why do you have so many lamps on your desk?

Johnson: Oh. I guess I like a lot of light.

[Kyle smells around]

Kyle: Oh, god! It stinks in here.

Johnson: Well, it wasn’t me. I used the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Kyle: Jesus! I think it’s these lamps.

[Kyle smells the lamp from close]

Holy [bleep], man! It’s definitely these lamps. Oh, my god!

Johnson: [yelling] It smells like regular lamps to me.

Kyle: Hey Adam, get in here.

[Adam walks in smelling around]

Adam: Holy [bleep] .

Johnson: Alright, everybody calm down.

[Adam smells the lamp too.]

Adam: Oh! Um-umm! There’s something wrong with these lamps.

Johnson: Oh, yeah, right. I probably have to get back to work.

Kyle: Dude, did you take [bleep] in your lamps?

Johnson: What? In these lamps? I don’t think so.

Kyle: We gotta do something about this. I’m telling Mr. Anderson.

Johnson: No. Please.

[Boss walks to Johnson’s office. Johnson walks out and closes the door before Boss reaches in.]

Boss: Johnson, this is never easy but your coworkers are complaining about your lamps.

Johnson: But I go to the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Boss: I have to take a look at these lamps.

[Boss walks in]

Oh, my god!

[Boss opens the lamps]

Oh! You lied, Johnson. You went to the bathroom in the lamps. Get them out of here.

Johnson: Yes, sir. Sorry sir.

[Johnson throws all the lamps to the garbage]

Female voice: Let me guess, nosy coworkers caught on to the lamps because you had too many on your desk?

Johnson: Yeah.

Female voice: We’ve got you covered with everyday office items that you can use as a toilet. Introducing the Undercover Office Potty Disguise Supplies. There’s the stapler, the tape dispenser and the automatic pencil sharpener.

[Cut to Johnson in his office with these new supplies. The supplies are too huge of a size. His colleagues walk pass by.]

Johnson: Hey, guys, look. I got rid of the lamps.

Kyle: Why is your tape disperser so massive?

Johnson: Hmm. Because I like a lot of tapes.

[Boss walks in and opens the tape dispenser]

Boss: God! He’s going to the bathroom in his oversized office supplies.
Johnson: But I go to the bathroom down the hall.

Boss: What is wrong with you?

Johnson: I just need–

Boss: [yelling] Why would you do this?

Johnson: The voiceover said it would save time for business.

Boss: What have you been working on?

Johnson: I don’t know. I’ve been too busy going to the bathroom.

Boss: It smells like [bleep] in here.

Johnson: [sobbing] Am I fired?

Boss: Yes!

[Johnson is walking out]

And take that [bleep] with you.

Johnson: Right. Yeah, of course.

[Johnson tries to carry them all at once. He spills all the toilet on the hallway.]

Female voice: Undercover Office Potty. Be gold Be true. Make the bathroom come to you.