Tag: and

Weekend Update- Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day on Their 2023 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Punkie Johnson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.

[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]

Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?

Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.

Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.

Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.

Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-

[Michael Che laughing]

Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.

Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?

Mikey Day: That is what I said.

Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.

Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.

Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.

Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?

Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.

Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?

Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.

Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.

Mikey Day: That really happened.

Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?

Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.

Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.

Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.

Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?

Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”

Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.

Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.

Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.

Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.

Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.

Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?

Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.

Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?

Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.

Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.

Weekend Update- Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly’s Prison Sentences, NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]

Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.

[picture changes to an alligator]

A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!

Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]

Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.

The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]

Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]

Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.

A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.

Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in] [cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing] [rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing] [rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Steve Martin and Martin Short Monologue

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin and Martin Short.

[Steve Martin and Martin Short walk in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. I’m—

Steve Martin: And I’m Steve Martin.

Martin Short: And we’re so excited—

Steve Martin: And what a thrill it is for us to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Martin Short: Steve, how many times have you hosted?

Steve Martin: Oh gosh, I haven’t really thought about it. Hit it.

[A counting video of Steve Martin plays which counts him hosting for 16 times]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Wow.

Steve Martin: And how many times have you hosted Marty?

Martin Short: Hit it.

[Similar counting video plays, but it only counts to three]

Steve Martin: I’m kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. [Cut to a black and white photo] That is me with John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Mick Jagger. And right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything.

Martin Short: You know, Steve, we are like Harry and Megan. No one’s rooting for us, but you’ll tune in to watch anyway. And what’s been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Behind your back, the new cast referred to you as ‘a whole entertainer’.

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s sweet.

Martin Short: Well, I added the word ‘entertainer’.

Steve Martin: And I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. Somehow I just can’t get into it.

Martin Short: We are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, ‘Only Murders In The Building’. Our show is like Steve at the urinal, it streams for 3Martin Short minutes.

Steve Martin: I know, this is kind of interesting. Every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening’s performance. And we were doing it backstage. And I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us. And I thought, “You know what, that would be interesting to show the audience.” So here is Marty and I are getting ready for tonight’s show.

[Cut to a video of one guy kicking on another guy’s testicles as a martial art]

Martin Short: And can I say, Steve—

Steve Martin: Let them laugh.

Martin Short: Can I say truthfully that I adore working with you. And I just, I hope we can do this forever.

Steve Martin: Well, of course, I thought about that. But I realized you’re not going to live forever. And that is sad because you won’t be able to hear the wonderful things I’m going to say at your memorial. So I thought why wait? So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy, so you can hear it now.

Martin Short: Wow. That is such a coincidence because you know what? I did the same thing. I wrote your eulogy.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Yes.

Steve Martin: Well, let’s read them together, shall we?

Martin Short: Why not?

Steve Martin: Could we have some— This is a sad moment. So could you play something sad for us please?

[sad music playing]

Martin Short: No, no, no. Not sad enough. Anything sadder?

[sad music playing]

Steve Martin: No, no no. Do you have something really, really sad?

[music playing and an innocent puppy’s picture appears on the screen]

So Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. Too late. But I’ll always be haunted by Marty’s last words, “Tesla Autopilot engage.”

Martin Short: There’s so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. But this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you blend overrated white haired son of a bitch. Where’d you go? I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. For example, he taught me that you don’t need to restrict a urinal to just number one.

Steve Martin: Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon, but sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus three.

Martin Short: Oh, Steve. Oh Steve, it’s so hard to look at you in that open casket. Motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic SNL sketch – ‘Dick in a box’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. The good news is with Steve gone, download should be so much faster on PornHub. People always ask me what Steve was really like, and I’d say, “I don’t know, you’re his wife.” And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they’re so polite. You go to his house and they’d say “Would you like anything Mr. Short? Could I get you would drink Mr. Short? Can you give this note to the police Mr. Short?”

Steve Martin: Now that Marty is gone, who will I ever work with?

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena Gomez: What about me?

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Brandi Carlisle is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]
[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]
[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy on Disney’s Hocus Pocus 2

Michael Che

Debbie Hole… Chloe Fineman

Stacy Bussy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This week of Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney’s reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. Here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacy Bussy.

Stacey: Hi, Michael Che.

Michael Che: So ladies, what’s so bad about Hocus Pocus?

Debbie: Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok?

Stacey: Oh, witches snacking on my kids. Not under my house.

Michael Che: It’s just a silly kids movie.

Stacey: Michael Che, we don’t need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. We don’t need to see Matt Mendler wearing big old tee.

Debbie: It’s satanic.

Stacey: Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash hell

Debbie: Um-hmm. Imagine that. Okay? I’m sorry. You just imagine that your home [yelling] with hell in it.

Stacey: Yeah. Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Che?

Debbie: I’m sorry. Is it Michael Che? Satan in your living room? Hard as a rock?

Michael Che: No, that’s not what I want, Debbie Hole. But don’t you think you’re missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween?

Stacey: Oh, there’s nothing fun about Halloween.

Michael Che: What about candy?

Debbie: Satanic.

Michael Che: What candy is satanic?

Stacey: Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. We’re feeding kids kids? Making a bunch of army hammers?

Debbie: Oh, and do not get me started on Skittles.

Michael Che: Okay, I won’t.

Stacey: Oh, you gotta start it. You gotta start it. Okay. Taste the Rainbow? Demonic. I’m gonna say this. Any vending machine with Skittles in it, that’s a glory hole for devil.

Debbie: Gushers? Ew.

Stacey: Everlasting Gobstopper? So suck till I’m dead? No.

Michael Che: Oh, so you guys are just crazy.

Debbie: I’m sorry. Crazy about family, church and laughter.

Stacey: Yes. You know what? I swear even talking about those make me nervous. Okay, you open your mouth long enough, a demon will sweep in it. [Debbie acts like she’s possessed] What did I say??

Michael Che: You alright?

Stacey: Dude, no. She got a demon in her. She probably caught it here in S-in-hell (SNL). I’m gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. We sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to god, Debbie, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building your throne, I’m leaving New York. Hey, Debbie, I’m gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to hell. Can you do that for me? Can you do that, Debbie K. Hole?

Debbie: Oh, and I’m back. That was a little fun, I’m not gonna lie. In conclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to Hocus Pocus, and we gotta go.

Stacey: Yeah.

Michael Che: Where are you going?

Stacey: We got tickets to wicket.

Michael Che: Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy, everyone.

Weekend Update Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker on 2022 Midterms

Michael Che

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concern about Republicans chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. Here to explain what he meant is Mitch McConnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

[Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker slide in]

Mitch McConnell: Alright Che. Pleasure, pleasure.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, let’s go team. Alright.

Michael Che: So Herschel, you’re a former NFL player?

Herschel Walker: Yes.

Michael Che: With no political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s right.

Michael Che: And you were caught lying about having three secret children?

Herschel Walker: Yes, sir.

Michael Che: So Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy’s ready to be a senator?

Mitch McConnell: It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what I say and I’d say go Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Ay, well, I love you too, Mitch Mechanic. You see, we not so different. Me and Mint are like two peas in a bag.

Mitch McConnell: All right, well, Herschel, you already said some pretty bizarre things that they’ve got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said “Our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.” What does that mean?

Herschel Walker: Oh, Che. I’ll slow down so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air bud, Air Jordan, Erin Brockovich.

Mitch McConnell: Indeed.

Herschel Walker: You see, science don’t understand. Everybody’s talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, yeah.

Herschel Walker: Bring that climate over here.

Mitch McConnell: That’s a good idea. How about that?

Herschel Walker: They don’t need it. They live. So, that’s something we need to look at very, very closely. Right Bish?

Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s Mitch.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, that’s exactly.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah.

Michael Che: Okay, well, Senator McConnell, I gotta ask. What qualification does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?

Mitch McConnell: There’s too many to name. First of all, he played football. And Georgia loves football.

Herschel Walker: Everybody loves football, baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes. Okay?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right.

Herschel Walker: Listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that Obama Michelle.

Michael Che: What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals?

Herschel Walker: Of course, I do. You know what I wrote a few down for Mitchell on the way over here. Here, go ahead. Read that data. Mitch.

Mitch McConnell: Sure. Proposal number one, barbecue Tuesday.

Herschel Walker: There it is.

Mitch McConnell: Number two, let’s get a daytime moon, that way no more rain.

Herschel Walker: Boom.

Mitch McConnell: And number three, create a department of Instagram booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake.

Herschel Walker: You’re damn right.

Mitch McConnell: You know what? You know what, Herschel? Why don’t you just tell them about yourself?

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you Stitch. I don’t mind if I do. Where’s my camera? Is it down here?

Michael Che: No, it’s right there, man. It’s there.

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Hi, America. My name is Herschel Bershell. And I play football for the US Senate. Whenever I’m in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers. George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I’m the government, we gonna see. Thank you.

Michael Che: Okay, Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody.

Herschel Walker: We’re gonna be looking into that.