Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Activists are upset that the navy has named a new combat ship after president Andrew Jackson saying he was pro slavery. Yeah, but so were ships.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The PBS series ‘Finding Your Roots’ has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins, having descended from the same ancestor a screaming potato!

[Picture changes to a Christmas Tree]

You know, this holiday season there’s a lot to be thankful for. But I’m thankful for one individual in particular and his name is Martin Shkreli. [Picture changes to Martin Shkreli.] Shkreli is that guy who hyked up the price of an HIV drug by 5000%, and this week he was arrested for scamming investors in a multi million dollar ponzi scheme. Okay, first of all, congratulations on reinventing yourself, Martin. You know, not many villains have a whole second evil career. I mean it’s not like [Picture changes to Mussolini] Mussolini also started Draft Kings. And I gotta say, it’s really hard to be the most hated man in both finance and the pharmaceutical industry. I mean, that’s like being a lead singer of Nickle Back and Smash Mouth.

Guys, Martin Shkreli is a real life Grinch. And you know what? Maybe one day his heart will grow three sizes too big. And then we’re gonna be there for him… to jack up his heart medicine by 5000%.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a Christmas tree at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 96 foot tall Christmas tree in California was destroyed when it was engulfed in flames. Authority suspect arson and are on a lookout for this suspect. [Picture changes to nine branch menorah] [Picture changes to Kwanzah candle stand]

You know, next Saturday is the holiday of Kwanzah, and if you’re unfamiliar Kwanzah is an African American holiday that’s only celebrated by Rachel Dolezal and McDonalds. Black people do not celebrate Kwanzah.

[Picture changes to a calendar of month December of 2015.]

It starts on December 26th. You can’t follow Christmas with a worst Christmas. That’s like if at the end of a Beyonce concert she goes, “And ladies and gentlemen, Fergie.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Star Wars logo and a church at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A church in Germany will host a Star Wars themed service on Sunday that will highlight the parallels between scripture and the films. And if you haven’t been to church in a while, spoiler alert, god is Jesus’s father. Spoiler!

[Cut to Michael Che laughing. There is a picture of monkeys at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Zoo keepers in England are searching for a monkey that escaped from enclosure after being bullied and losing a fight with other monkeys. Officials say that monkey is white and grey, timid and answers to the name Jeb.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well it’s the Christmas show tonight, and we’ve got a little something special for you guys.

Michael Che: Yes, here to tell our last two jokes of 2015, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler slide in] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Tina Fey: There we go. Last two jokes of 2015. Parents in Connecticut were upset after an elementary school teacher had students in her class change the lyrics of Silent Night from Holy Night to Solstice Night. Worse, she changed the name Virgin Mary to Over The Jeans Mary.

[Cut to Amy Poehler. There’s a picture of handcuffed hands at right top corner.]

Amy Poehler: New York City police said that this year’s sex crimes on the subway such as groping and flashing have jumped nearly 20%. What can I say? I had a good year.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

Tina Fey: Hope you have a Happy New Year.

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Monologue

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Thank you. I’m so happy to be back home hosting Saturday Night Live.

Amy Poehler: Sorry, we’ve been…

Tina Fey: Together for…

Amy Poehler: The past two months non stop…

Tina Fey: We’re at the point where we’re…

Amy Poehler: Finishing each other’s centi…

Tina Fey: Pedes.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Human centipedes. It’s our favorite Christmas movie.

Tina Fey: We have been friends for like… 20 years.

Amy Poehler: [cross talk] Six years.

Tina Fey: I’ve liked her longer. But here is a picture of us when we were young improvisers back in Chicago.

[Cut to an old picture of young Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

So young and so sweaty.

Amy Poehler: And we’re like sisters which made it very easy for us to play sisters in our new movie Star Wars.

Tina Fey: And, like sisters, we are totally bonded but very different.

Amy Poehler: For example, I’ve kind of liked things that are more modern and fun.

Tina Fey: And I am extremely traditional and dangerously religious.

Amy Poehler: But two things we both love are Christmas and making money off of original Christmas songs.

Tina Fey: So, to showcase our different flavors, we wrote this original Christmas song. Hit it, Amy!

[music playing. It sounds like a happy song.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I’m wrapping up my heart for you.

Merry Christmas baby

make my Christmas dream come true

Santa shouldn’t bother

coz I don’t need any other

besides my Christmas baby

baby, that’s you

[music changes. It is a lot slower now.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas babies,

Harriet has said how you must die

doctor swaddled babies

hide them in the hay and cry

the rest shall come today

from the centurion god

for the taxation level

upon them is one most foul and dear

Amy Poehler: It is so important. Tina, you’re nailing it.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Merry Christmas baby

no need to get a present for me

Merry Christmas baby

you’re all I want beneath that tree

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas Yezu

[Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Tina Fey by holding candles and standing behind her with their eyes closed.]

born on to summaria‎ 

from the town of Piershiva

to the Yamak river deep.

glory, glory, glory

sons of Abraham

watching on our souls 

with a herd of sacred lamb

Ladies and gentlemen, the SNL’s gaymen’s chorus.

[music changes to the happy one again. Kenan, Taran and Bobby join Amy Poehler dancing.]

Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

I know we’ll have a jolly night

Merry Christmas baby

all I want is you to hold me tight

[music changes to slower again.]

Tina Fey: For the Romans are cruel

and the Pharisees are worse

This is so fun. This is why it works. She is the peanut butter in my salami.

Amy Poehler: Not really a combo.

Tina Fey: It is in my mouth. This is so– you wanna switch for a minute?

Amy Poehler: Sure. Not really.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey: Merry Christmas baby

gonna stop all things on you

Merry Christmas baby

coz I love you baby, that is true

[music changes to slower again.]

Amy Poehler: Wise men have to send in

from Ishyalal Hasbas

That’s great stuff Tina but it might be a little dry on a tone.

Tina Fey: Well, then let’s do a mash up. You wanna put your salami on my peanut butter?

Amy Poehler: Wouldn’t be the first time.

[happy music playing]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: Merry Christmas baby

Virgin Mary was a special lady

Merry Christmas baby

Tina Fey: Whoo!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We’ve got a great show tonight. Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Special Offer

Chad Douglas… Taran Killam

Victoria Douglas… Vanessa Bayer

Lola Fabre… Maya Rudolph

Gloria Wallace… Amy Poehler

Angie Francis… Tina Fey

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria sitting in front of their chimney]

Chad Douglas: Hello. I’m Chad Douglas.

Victoria: And I’m Victoria Douglas.

Chad Douglas: For those of you who don’t remember, my wife and I had a hit variety show back in the 70s. It was called the Chad and Mrs. Douglas show.

Victoria: We loved doing that show and we extra loved hand picking some of our favorite Christmas moments to share with you this holiday season.

Chad Douglas: Here’s the magnificent Lola Fabre , singing the 12 days of Christmas after putting 12 shots of rum in her eggnog.

[Cut to Lola.] [music is playing]

Lola: Ho, ho, ho.

[singing] On the first day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
[mumbling] three
On the third day of Christmas 
[mumbling] looking to me
three to the da-do-dum-three other things
and the 
[mumbling] [Lola throwing the presents to the kids]

Wow! That’s a lot of words. Here, have some gifts, children. Here you go young man. [passing the present to a girl]

Here’s something for your junior.

Oh, I love children. They are the future.

[pulling out a present] Alright, here we go.

[singing] On the other day of Christmas [mumbling] to me

a rum and [mumbling] [shouts and throws a present out]

Wow! Miss Fabre is going up on the lyrics. All to do props and words at the same time kids. Keep it together Lola. Five, six, seven, eight.

[dancing slightly]

Fabre, Fabre, alright
back on track on
five onion rings
four twizzle zees
three throng dos
two two-two-two
five or six or twelve this song

Change! Bye, bye.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, Lola came on our show many, many times. And let me tell you, that’s the best she ever did.

Victoria: Lola was a gifted mess of a woman.

Chad Douglas: Our next clip features a famous disco diva and party girl named Gloria Wallace. And boy, she liked the white stuff.

Victoria: Oh, you mean cocaine?

Chad Douglas: Please sweetheart, be cool.

[Cut to Gloria dancing with other backup dancers.] [music playing]

Gloria: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The intro is chill on! The intro is chill on! Let’s get it. Go, move faster, faster. Alright! Johnny has more right? Let’s go. Let’s go.

[singing] All the river outside is dreadful

come to the end, let us know, let us know, let us know

Ay! Let’s go. It’s time to get Johnny on the phone. Somebody call him. I wanna go to good club. I wanna get a steak sandwich. [Gloria is sucking cocaine with a vacuum cleaner.] But I never wanna eat it. Come on now! I have lot of ideas! I’m gonna go tell somebody.

[Gloria runs through the background poster.] [Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: I just wanna say we all miss Gloria. Remember the way wear your seat belt.

Victoria: And remember to close your car door while you’re driving.

Chad Douglas: This next clip was always the number one favorite for me and my wife.

Victoria: Oh! Wife.

Chad Douglas: Not a compliment honey. It’s just what you are.

Victoria: Still, it’s sweet.

Chad Douglas: Uh-huh. Speaking of sweet, please enjoy this next clip starring the beautiful, young Angie Francis, and a special guest, it’s a real treat.

[Cut to Angie sitting and drinking wine.] [music playing]

Angie: [singing] I really can’t stay.

[Cut to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson: But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Gotta go away.

OJ Simpson:But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Say what’s in this drink.

OJ Simpson: Oh, that is like a vitamin for when you bombed out about your career, all this to make you smile and help you reach your goal.

Angie: Yeah. Something’s up with that.

[Angie hands over the glass of wine to OJ Simpson and walks away]

OJ Simpson: No, no, wait. I wanna show you my penis.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, now that I’ve seen these clips, all we really have are three very short awful things.

Victoria: Maybe that’s why the DVD is this big. [showing a tiny disc]

Chad Douglas: It still would make a great gift for somebody.

Victoria: Yeah, probably, but all the moments are in the commercial.

Chad Douglas: What are you dong? Don’t tell them that.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.] [Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience] [Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy] [Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce] [Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

Dope Squad

Trisa Hogan… Aidy Bryant

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with promotion interview of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for a movie.]

Trisa Hogan: Hi ladies. I’m Trisa Hogan for Pop News Daily After Show Podcast .Jpeg.

Tina Fey: Hi there.

Amy Poehler: Hi.

Trisa Hogan: You know, you got movies, television, kids. How do you juggle it all?

Amy Poehler: You know, we just have a great squad of people who help us out.

Trisa Hogan: Oh yeah, squad! Models and stars.

Tina Fey: No! It’s not like that. You wanna know what it’s like? Then shut the hell up and listen.

[music playing] [Cut to movie Tina & Amy’s Dope Squad intro. It’s showing females with arms and weapons.]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: [singing] We’ve gotta deep dope squad
it takes our daily job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we roll deep, hey!

The woman at the diner
who always knows my order
my mammogram technician
dude who returned my wallet in taxi

There’s our gynecologist
our real life gynecologist
we share a gynecologist
she’s a huge part of the squad

Trisa Hogan: I think I get what you guys are saying. It’s like…

[rapping] A queen ain’t a queen just for sitting up front
she needs a whole damn crew, she can’t do it alone
it’s a healthy mix of friends and assistant
offering support and taking care of business
it can be M.I.A. from the P.T.A.
coz you’re picking up Leche from Trader Jose’s
slice in two duet with a samurai
all the while dealing with U.T.I.

So, you guys are like, so, so, down to earth.

Tina Fey: No.don’t misunderstand bitch.

Amy Poehler: Our squad is veritable, who’s who.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We hanging with Gayle King
Robert Downey Sr.
You’ve heard of Amy Schumer

Tina Fey: Well I did her show so she owes me one

Amy Poehler: Favor!

Amy Schumer: Wait, is this not a charity thing?

Tina Fey: In a way.

Amy Poehler: Sort of.

Tina Fey: You know what? Let’s just do a slow motion post apocalyptic walk.

Amy Schumer: Okay.

[Amy starts showing funny moves]

Wait, who are we mad at?

All: We’ve got a dope squad
It takes care of our job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we will do it!

[Scene where Trisa Hogan, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Amy Schumer are walking side by side and there’s an explosion at the back.]

Amy Schumer: Oh, my god!

Tina Fey: Guys, you cannot just trigger an explosion and not tell people.

Amy Poehler: It’s a different world now, guys!

Tina Fey: Trisa Hogan0 times! Trisa Hogan0 times.

Amy Poehler: Okay, everyone alright?

Amy Schumer: No. No, I’m suing everyone here.

Trisa Hogan: Okay.

[The End]

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro] [cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in] [cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]

Emma Thompson Monologue | Season 44 Episode 20

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Emma Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Thompson!

[Emma Thompson walks in the door and to the stage]

Emma Thompson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all so much. I am Emma Thompson. And I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s incredible to be standing here working alongside my beloved husband of 16 years, Kenan Thompson. Thanks, Doll. This is of course the mother’s day show and in fact my daughter is in the audience tonight. To her I’d just like to say sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. A blanket sorry. As she knows, sometimes it can be hard to decipher what our mothers are in fact saying. They do speak in code. So, as a mother myself I’d like to offer a little language lesson, to help you understand what we mean. With some help from other mothers. Do you want to join me, girls?

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler join Emma Thompson] [Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hello. We are mothers.

Amy Poehler: Yes. ‘Wine Country’, hello.

Emma Thompson: Hello, then. Welcome to mother speak 101. When you ask your mother what she wants to do for mother’s day and she says–

Tina Fey: “Just to relax in the backyard. Maybe a massage.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s actually asking is—

Amy Poehler: “How does one buy weed?”

Emma Thompson: When your mother sees what you’re wearing and says–

Amy Poehler: “Oh, I like that shirt.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s trying to say is–

Tina Fey: “Oh, I think I bought you that shirt.”

Amy Poehler: When your mom tells you,

Emma Thompson: “You look tired.”

Tina Fey: what she means is–

Emma Thompson: “You look bad.” Now, a mum sometimes needs help expressing herself. When she says, —

Tina Fey: “Can we just not talk about politics?”

Emma Thompson: Shat she actually means is–

Amy Poehler:  “Please doing ruin Joe Biden for me. He’s what I picture.”

Emma Thompson: Mums contain multitudes, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “Son, you know I love you just the way you are.”

Emma Thompson: She is actually saying–

Tina Fey: “I am bored of waiting for you to tell me you’re gay. Just do it so I can buy rainbow stuff.”

Emma Thompson: When she says–

Tina Fey: “I love all my kids the same.”

Emma Thompson: She means–

Amy Poehler: “You sister is winning.”

Tina Fey: This may come as a shock, but your mother has a life outside of you, so when she says–

Emma Thompson: “I’m going to book club tonight.”

Amy Poehler: What she means is,

Emma Thompson: “I’m about to get turned at Linda’s.” She sure is. Sometimes what you mother means varies based on where she’s from. For example, if your mum asks what are you doing for mother’s day and she’s from Philadelphia, she means–

Tina Fey: “You better come down to the shore for mother’s day brunch. Pop-pop’s making Mimosas.”

Emma Thompson: But mothers from Boston could mean–

Amy Poehler: “If your car is not parked in my yard on mother’s day, I’m going to have a freaking heart attack and you can go eat at Wahlburgers.”

Emma Thompson: British mothers are a particular breed of cryptic.

Amy Poehler: When your British mum says–

Emma Thompson: “Splendid!”

Tina Fey: What she means is–

Emma Thompson: “I’m sad. I’m happy. How are you? You embarrass me. I’m crazy. You’re drunk.” Splendid is sort of our Aloha. And finally, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “You are driving me crazy.”

Tina Fey: “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

Emma Thompson: “I could strangle you.” She means,

Amy Poehler: I love you. Archie and Abel.

Tina Fey: Allison and Penelope, you make me so happy.

Emma Thompson: Gaia and Tindy, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas brothers are here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.