HIV Commercial

Aubrey Plaza

Tommy… Mikey Day

Mario… Marcello Hernandez

Michael Longfellow

Jamal… Devon Walker

[Starts with people shooting at a studio]

Aubrey: All right. Let’s try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I’m starving. Tommy, I want you dancing on top. Camera then cuts to Mario. You’re poor and everybody shots. And then Jamal, you give your line while toasting Mario. sound good?

Jamal: Yep.

Tommy: Yeah.

Aubrey: Okay, places.

Michael: Divato commercial, club scene, take one.

Aubrey: Action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to Divato HIV treatment. I didn’t gay though.

Aubrey: Cut. Okay, that was a good first run, guys. Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top.

Tommy: Yeah, got it. I can do a little more.

Aubrey: Not really more. Just better. Perfect Mario. And Jamal, buddy, I feel like you may be added a little there at the end.

Jamal: No, I don’t think I did that. No.

Aubrey: No, definitely.

Jamal: Okay.

Aubrey: The line is “That’s why I switched to do Divato HIV treatment,” then full stop.

Jamal: Yep. Got it. All right.

Aubrey: Good?

Jamal: Yes. Okay, let’s go again, from the top. And action.

Tommy: living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less, and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to the bottle HIV treatment. Fact you can get HIV from a girl. That’s how I did it.

Aubrey: Cut. Again. Again, wow.

Tommy: Did I mess up the dancing?

Aubrey: Yeah. It was worse this time. Once again, Mario, perfection. And Jamal.

Jamal: Yeah.

Aubrey: Buddy, you know what I’m gonna say.

Jamal: Oh, I messed up the dancing.

Aubrey: No. You add libs again. Are you comfortable with the script?

Jamal: No, I’m not at all.

Aubrey: What’s the problem?

Jamal: I just feel like it’s not clear that my character’s a stright, respectfully.

Aubrey: Okay, well, he’s not. This scene takes place at a gay club.

Jamal: Oh, word. Okay.

Aubrey: Yeah. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Jamal: No, not at all. I just ain’t know that.

Aubrey: Great, because I’d really love to get this scene wrapped before my salad gets cold. It’s a hot salad. Okay? All right. And let’s go again. And action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could say undetectable with fewer medici—

Jamal: Yo dude, I think it’s a gay club.

Tommy: What?

Jamal: I mean, you know, you know, I’m cool with that. I just didn’t know that.

Tommy: Okay.

Jamal: Facts. There’d be mad straight girls at the gay club and they’d be ready and that’s where I come in.

Tommy: Can somebody please yell cut?

Aubrey: Cut, cut, cut. [Aubrey is eating her salad] Sorry. Sorry, I took a bite of my hot salad. It burned the roof of my mouth.

Jamal: How did I do?

Aubrey: It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Besides Tommy’s dancing.

Tommy: I’m trying.

Jamal: I just feel like since I’m straight, my guy should be straight too. You know what I’m saying?

Mario: Dude, it’s just acting bro. I’m not actually gay either.

Jamal: Okay, cap.

Aubrey: Jamal, if you’re uncomfortable, we can just give your lines to Mario.

Jamal: Okay, do I still get paid the same?

Aubrey: No, you don’t get paid. You just go home.

Jamal: But I really need this job.

Aubrey: Okay, then say the lines.

Jamal: Okay, what is my guy got HIV from basketball like Magic Johnson?

Aubrey: No. Look, I appreciate you coming down but clearly you’re not mature enough to handle this role.

Jamal: Yeah. That’s a fact.

Aubrey: So why don’t you and Tommy just leave. Please.

Tommy: Wait. what? Me?

Neytiri

Jake Sully… Mikey day

Devon Walker

Friote… Kenan Thompson

Chabegue… Sarah Sherman

Vicki… Heidi Gardner

Christine… Aubrey Plaza

Neytiri… Ego Nwodim

Jake: As Chief of this clan, it’s my job to keep you all safe. I’m doing that. I must tell the truce of this war.

Devon: What’s going on, Jake Sully?

Jake: There are reports. The humans have infiltrated the Omatikaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us disguised as avatars.

[everyone hissing]

Devon: That can’t be.

Chabegue: No. These are our brothers and sisters.

[Vicki and Christine are obviously humans with blue paint on them]

Vicki: What? We got humans up in here?

Christine: Not cool, man. Not cool.

Vicki: Yeah, I hate that.

Jake: I know it’s difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. Reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as Butch ladies from Arizona.

[Vicki and Christine are vaping]

Christine: Good to know. Good to know.

Vicki: All right, y’all, we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.

Friote: Jake sully, it’s obviously these two.

Jake: Wait. Vicki and Christie?

Christine: Whoa!

Vicki: Are you serious right now, Frito?

Christine: Come on, Frito.

Friote: Friote. My name is Friote.

Jake: Okay, everyone, be calm. These are big accusations, Friote.

Christine: Okay, okay. Thank you, Jaoke.

Vicki: Appreciate it, Jaoke.

Jake: It’s Jake.

Chabegue: Wait. Yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

Christine: Whoa.

Vicki: Girl, yours is wild.

Christine: It’s great to have different there.

Devon: It’s all making sence. Is that why they call themselves the maricope counter of milf hunters?

Chabegue: And why they were in completely different clothing?

Christine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch?

Vicki: Seriously, okay. We’re cool with letting her nips fight sometimes, but maybe we’re not as comfortable in thongs and I’m looking at you cheeseburger.

Chabegue: It’s Chabegue.

Christine: Alright, listen guys. We’re NaVi in a big way. Okay?

Vicki: Like, our skin’s blue and think we know how to use our tails.

Christine: I think we know.

[They put their tails inside their mouth. They get shocked.]

Vicki: How long was I out?

Christine: How long? How long were we out, Frito?

Friote: You are not out. Come on. Jake Sully.

Jake: Wait. Our queen is back. Our Queen Neytiri.

Vicki: Oh, screaming lady alert. Here we go.

Christine: Oh god, here we go.

Neytiri: They come out people.

Jake: Okay, Neytiri…

Neytiri: They come for our people.

Jake: Okay, alright, huh.

Neytiri: We must kill them.

Jake: Don’t start crying.

[Neytiri starts crying loud]

Neytiri: Wait. What are they doing?

[Vicki and Christine are playing basketball]

Jake: I don’t know what they are doing. I don’t know what’s happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. I need you to focus if we’re ever going to catch the moles. You’re alright?

Vicki: Yeah.

Friote: Jake. Jake Sully. Come on, man. Come on, you gotta trust me. It’s me. It’s me Frito. I mean, Friote. Jake Sally. Jake Sully Come on man, it’s them. I haven’t seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being.

Neytiri: [crying] Oh, stop. It was Frito this whole time?

Vicki: And us too.

Christine: Dang, Vicky, come on.

Vicky: Oh, shoot, dude, let’s get out of here.

[they put their tails inside their mouths again]

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

Megan 2.0

Megan… Chloe Fineman

Gay Megan… Aubrey Plaza

Bowen Yang

Michael Longfellow

Allison Williams

Kenan Thompson

Male voice: America has a new obsession, and her name is Megan. Designed to be a little girl’s best friend.

Megan: Don’t cry, Katie, everything is going to be okay. Do you want to dance with me?

Male voice: And protect her at any cost?

Megan: I won’t let anything harm you.

Male voice: Megan is a box office powerhouse, but just captivated one demographic above all… gay men. Megan is a gay icon. She is the definition of care. Megan’s plastic foot is on my neck. So now we’re slapping together a sequel. which promises to be even more gay.

Gay Megan: I’m Megan. I’m your best friend. Your den bitch.

Male voice: It’s Megan 2.0.

Michael: Oh wow.

Bowen: Working it, mother.

Male voice: “Strap in Hunty, Annabelle could never”

All: Go Megan. Go Megan.

Kenan: I signed up for 7am Szenario twin spin class. I should really go home.

Gay Megan: Should you go home? Or should we call it a drag show a mother lode and get high off poppers?

Bowen: Oh, hey, the Queen has spoken.

Male voice: Critics are saying Megan slays literally and it’s like bros but for gays. You want to do dance you can do on TikTok? Well, then gag on this.

Bowen: It’s the dolls that’s literally giving me life.

Megan: Well, you know, I had to turn out for my little homos.

[All the gays at the bar get offended] [Gay Megan turns Megan off]

Gay Megan: But seriously, you guys are little homos.

Bowen: You can say it. [All the gays at the bar start partying again]

Male voice: if there’s one thing gay men love, it’s unhinged plastic women.

[Gay Megan choke’s Bowen]

Gay Megan: I’m bored. Drive me home.

Bowen: Megan, you messy hoe, I’m obsessed with you.

Allison: Everyone stopped. Get away from her. She is not your friend. She’s a killer and she will kill you.

Bowen: Oh my God. Are you from the show girls?

Allison: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: Oh, yeah, you had your butt eaten. That’s so cool.

Allison: It is?

Michael: Yes. Join us.

Allison: Really? Even though I’m straight?

Bowen: Mama, if you’re getting your ass ate on TV, you’re an ally, sis.

Allison: Okay.

Bowen: Megan, you’re paired with the club speakers, right? Play some music.

Gay Megan: I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Megan: No, Megan, real music. Okay, you hungry sluts.

[music playing]

Male voice: Megan 2.0. This one’s for the gays.

Morning Announcements

Sister Clarence… Molly Kearney

Sister Cecelia… Aubrey Plaza

Christopher O’Malley… Andrew Dismukes

Sister Clarence: Good morning St. Christopher O’Malleys High School. I’m Sister Clarence with your morning announcements. And joining me as always, is my best friend. The woman who puts the fun in nun, the walkie, Sister Cecilia.

Sister Cecelia: Hello.

Sister Clarence: All right. Well, it’s Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Mr. Cecilia’s favorite film, “A star is born”. I thought it was about to the birth of Christ. Turns out it’s about Lady Gaga. How was your weekend sister?

Sister Cecelia: A hairdryer fell into the bathtub I was in it. I died for two minutes. Now, I’m questioning everything.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Today’s lunch special is Tighty Joes. They’re like Sloppy Joes but they’re less messy. Sister Cecilia, what do we have for dessert?

Sister Cecelia: When I was dead, I didn’t see heaven.

Sister Clarence: Maybe it was just closed for Martin Luther King Day.

Sister Cecelia: No, it was a Saturday.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Let’s go to a student question. This one comes from 11th grader, Katherine Cochran. Is the Easter Bunny Jesus’s pet or his boyfriend? Great question. And the answer is detention. Isn’t that right, Sister Cecilia?

Sister Cecelia: I’m going to have sex tonight.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not. No you’re not. [There’s a TV graphic saying “I’m going to have sex tonight”.] Tina. Why would you put that in the graphics?

Tina: Sorry, mom. I mean, sister. Noooo.

Sister Cecelia: I’m going back to the dark place.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I am. Come with me.

Sister Clarence: I can’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, you can.

Sister Clarence: I shan’t.

Sister Cecelia: You’ve done it before. You can do it again.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. We’re gonna carry on with our joke Monday. We have class clown and certified gas man, Christopher O’Malley. I can’t wait to see what he’s got today. Take it away, Christopher. Come on, Christopher. Here’s your moment. [Christopher is nervous] You literally begged me to do this. Remember the joke you said the other day? What do women be doing?

Sister Cecelia: Dying and say nothing.

Sister Clarence: No. Sister women be shopping.

Christopher O’Malley: Hey, you stole my Joke.

Sister Cecelia: The scaling is okay now, Christopher O’Malley, and so as margin 69-ing.

Sister Clarence: Sister!

Sister Cecelia: I want to try it.

Sister Clarence: No, you don’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I do. And therapy. And laser tag.

Sister Clarence: Sister, get ahold yourself. You can’t let go to your faith.

Sister Cecelia: Why?

Sister Clarence: Because that means you’re letting go of me. And you’re my best friend. And I had it all planned out that after we died, we would go to heaven and hang out every day.

Sister Cecelia:There is still heaven.

Sister Clarence: See if you’re still saying that after you hear me sing some Lady Gaga. Tina track seven.

Tina: Right away, dad. Oh, that’s worse.

Sister Clarence: [singing] Tell me something, sis
Without God would we exist?
No
You’re stuck in no not
But I’ll still love you no matter what

Sister Cecelia: I’m off the deep end
here still with best friend

Sister Clarence: I’ll visit you in hell

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]
[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.