Tag: Vicki

Neytiri

Jake Sully… Mikey day

Devon Walker

Friote… Kenan Thompson

Chabegue… Sarah Sherman

Vicki… Heidi Gardner

Christine… Aubrey Plaza

Neytiri… Ego Nwodim

Jake: As Chief of this clan, it’s my job to keep you all safe. I’m doing that. I must tell the truce of this war.

Devon: What’s going on, Jake Sully?

Jake: There are reports. The humans have infiltrated the Omatikaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us disguised as avatars.

[everyone hissing]

Devon: That can’t be.

Chabegue: No. These are our brothers and sisters.

[Vicki and Christine are obviously humans with blue paint on them]

Vicki: What? We got humans up in here?

Christine: Not cool, man. Not cool.

Vicki: Yeah, I hate that.

Jake: I know it’s difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. Reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as Butch ladies from Arizona.

[Vicki and Christine are vaping]

Christine: Good to know. Good to know.

Vicki: All right, y’all, we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.

Friote: Jake sully, it’s obviously these two.

Jake: Wait. Vicki and Christie?

Christine: Whoa!

Vicki: Are you serious right now, Frito?

Christine: Come on, Frito.

Friote: Friote. My name is Friote.

Jake: Okay, everyone, be calm. These are big accusations, Friote.

Christine: Okay, okay. Thank you, Jaoke.

Vicki: Appreciate it, Jaoke.

Jake: It’s Jake.

Chabegue: Wait. Yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

Christine: Whoa.

Vicki: Girl, yours is wild.

Christine: It’s great to have different there.

Devon: It’s all making sence. Is that why they call themselves the maricope counter of milf hunters?

Chabegue: And why they were in completely different clothing?

Christine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch?

Vicki: Seriously, okay. We’re cool with letting her nips fight sometimes, but maybe we’re not as comfortable in thongs and I’m looking at you cheeseburger.

Chabegue: It’s Chabegue.

Christine: Alright, listen guys. We’re NaVi in a big way. Okay?

Vicki: Like, our skin’s blue and think we know how to use our tails.

Christine: I think we know.

[They put their tails inside their mouth. They get shocked.]

Vicki: How long was I out?

Christine: How long? How long were we out, Frito?

Friote: You are not out. Come on. Jake Sully.

Jake: Wait. Our queen is back. Our Queen Neytiri.

Vicki: Oh, screaming lady alert. Here we go.

Christine: Oh god, here we go.

Neytiri: They come out people.

Jake: Okay, Neytiri…

Neytiri: They come for our people.

Jake: Okay, alright, huh.

Neytiri: We must kill them.

Jake: Don’t start crying.

[Neytiri starts crying loud]

Neytiri: Wait. What are they doing?

[Vicki and Christine are playing basketball]

Jake: I don’t know what they are doing. I don’t know what’s happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. I need you to focus if we’re ever going to catch the moles. You’re alright?

Vicki: Yeah.

Friote: Jake. Jake Sully. Come on, man. Come on, you gotta trust me. It’s me. It’s me Frito. I mean, Friote. Jake Sally. Jake Sully Come on man, it’s them. I haven’t seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being.

Neytiri: [crying] Oh, stop. It was Frito this whole time?

Vicki: And us too.

Christine: Dang, Vicky, come on.

Vicky: Oh, shoot, dude, let’s get out of here.

[they put their tails inside their mouths again]

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

MacGruber Coronavirus

Piper… Ryan Phillippe

Vicki… Kristen Wiig

MacGruber… Will Forte

[Starts with the show intro]

[rock music]

Song: MacGruber, making life saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra sticky situations
MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Federal Reserve Bank. Emergency siren is on.]

Piper: Dammit! The store is pressure sealed. We’re not going anywhere.

Vicki: MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle this C4 for explosive, [there’s a huge bomb] this whole building is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry gang. We can do this if we work together as a team. And look I know this whole COVID situation has really changed the game. So, we got to be smart about this, okay? We’re in a small room with very limited airflow.

Piper: Good call.

Vicki: Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can.

Vicki: You got it, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Pipe, that liner glue.

Piper: Coming at you, Grubs.

MacGruber: Now both of you, hand me your masks.

Vicki: What?

MacGruber: No time to explain. Masks, now!

[MacGruber puts Piper’s, Vicki’s and his masks in the can and burns them]

Vicki: MacGruber, what are you doing?

MacGruber: Freeing us from tyranny, Vic. You’re welcome.

Vicki: What? I really want to wear that mask.

Piper: Yeah. You just said yourself that we’re in a small enclosed room.

MacGruber: Yeah, so we need every drop of oxygen we can get which is impossible with these stupid face diapers. I can finally breathe.

[takes a long breath. Piper and Vicki cover their faces with their hands.]

Vicki: Hey, gotta say I’m a little uncomfortable with this.

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vic. I’m vaxed and relaxed. Here’s proof.

[MacGruber passes Vicki a piece of paper. It’s handwritten by himself and Pfizer is spelled wrong as “Fizer”.]

Vicki: I think there’s a P missing at the beginning of Pfizer.

Piper: You got vaccinated at a sizzler?

MacGruber: I sure did Piper. And Vicki if there was a P in front of Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer. But nice try.

Piper: Just admit you’re not vaccinate.

MacGruber:  Okay, fine you freakin Karens. I’m not getting that stupid shot, alright? ‘Cause I don’t want the government putting a tracking device on my scrotum.

Vicki: Ew!

Piper: MacGruber, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about?

MacGruber: Yeah, I don’t need to know what I’m talking about, Piper, because I have a brain. but since sheeple are so freaked out, let me assure you I’m totally anti-semitic.

Vicki: Sorry, I’m not sure we heard you right.

MacGruber: I don’t have any symptoms.

Piper: I think the word you’re looking for is asymptomatic.

MacGruber: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Vicki: No, it’s not.

MacGruber: No. I definitely said I’m anti semitic.

Piper: Yeah, you did.

MacGruber: So, what’s the issue here?

Vicki: MacGruber, 10 seconds.

MacGruber: Look, we may not all agree on this hoax vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on is that I do know how to defuse bombs.

Vicki: One second, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me–

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!
MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and he’s got a new album
MacGruber, he realized there was more than just one side of this issue
MacGruber, he’s following the science now
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Chemical Weapons Factory. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Shoot! This vault door is welded shut. There’s no way out.

Vicki: And from the looks of that dynamite bomb, we’ve only got 60 seconds before this whole place is blown to Betsy.

MacGruber: Not a problem gang. [he’s wearing a mask, but he has cut opened the mouth and nose part.] We got this and don’t worry, after the last mission, I heard your concerns and now I’m following all the protocols.

Vicki: Well, MacGruber, there’s a big hole on your mask.

MacGruber: Yeah, so don’t suffocate from all the carbo dockside. Duh! Look, there’s no reason to be scared. I’m gonna be fine. I’ve done a ton of research and I’m following the science now.

Vicki: That’s good.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that ivermectin.

[Vicki passes him the ivermectin]

Vicki: Okay, here.

MacGruber: Piper that hydroxychloroquine.

[Piper passes him the hydroxychloroquine]

Piper: Here.

[MacGruber takes all the medicine and pills at once]

Vicki: MacGruber, you have COVID?

MacGruber: Hell no.

Vicki: Oh, thank God.

MacGruber: I have COVID Plus. It’s a COVID strain mixed with something else.

Piper: Syphilis?

MacGruber: Oh, you got it. So yeah, COVID, syphilis and I do have an unconnected freestanding herpes in there as well. I also have horse worms. So this ivermectin is pulling double duty.

Piper: You have horse worms?

MacGruber: Oh yeah, bunch of. Check this out. [He pulls out a pile of noodles like thing]

Vicki: Oh, that’s so disgusting.

MacGruber: Relax. It’s just spaghetti. And down here, my jockeys just waiting for the right moment to spring this little joke on ya! Punked! [he eats the spaghetti] A little an dente.

Vicki: So, you don’t have horse worms?

MacGruber: No, I do have horse worms. Oh, look, they’re chopping on the spaghetti. Ha-ha-ha. Leave that alone, you turkeys. That’s my food. I’m not gonna eat this now.

Vicki: MacGruber, the bomb!

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper with Dr. Anthony Fauci face on it.

Piper: Here.

MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that “Let’s go Brandon” t-shirt.

Vicki: Here you go, MacGruber.

MacGruber: It’s so funny, huh? That actually means something else.

Piper: Yeah, we know.

MacGruber: Do you know what it means?

Piper: MacGruber, I feel like you’ve gone down some kind of outright misinformation rabbit hole.

MacGruber: You’re all wrong about that, Karen/ My information is Piper00% non insane. Ever heard of QAnon?

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!

MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an internet rabbit hole
MacGruber, he lost some friends and family and they staged an intervention
MacGruber, he’s got his act together now
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Research Facility. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Looks like we’re trapped, MacGruber.

Vicki: And the hydrogen bomb is set to blow in MacGruber0 seconds.

[MacGruber is wearing fur head cover with horns and he has painted his face red, white and blue, like the people from Capitol riot]

MacGruber: So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these Hollywood celebrities are eating babies. They devour them. They’re insatiable. Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti. Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they have a variety of recipes. That’s what’s happening out there and nobody is doing anything about it.

Piper: Can we concentrate on the bomb?

MacGruber: Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?

Vicki: I knew it.

Piper: Oh god, you’re so brainwashed.

MacGruber: I’m sorry. In what way?

Piper: Just look at how your dressed!

MacGruber: Oh, forgive me for not shopping at Cheaps-R-Us like you. I’m just your average American who believes in limited government. My body my choice, for men, and suppress voting rights for alternatively skin people. Now, I’m not sure how that makes me brainwashed.

Piper: MacGruber, focus. Please.

MacGruber: You’re right. Okay, Vicki, hand me all the remains of America’s soul. [pointing at an empty chair]

Vicki: What? There’s nothing there.

MacGruber: Welcome to the real world. I’m just a shaman.

Vicki: 15 seconds. All I can do is pray for you, take up arms against you and keep the oath I took to protect this country. Because I am an oath keeper. And boy, am I proud of that. Which I guess makes me a proud boy.

Piper: Do you even understand what you’re saying right now?

MacGruber: Probably not.

Piper: MacGruber, if we don’t deal with this bomb. We are going to explode.

MacGruber: Hoax!

Vicki: Five seconds.

MacGruber: Yeah, according to CNN.

Vicki: Four seconds.

MacGruber: Cancel culture.

Vicki: Three seconds.

MacGruber: Not my clock.

Vicki: Two seconds.

MacGruber: Hollywood elite.

Vicki: One second.

MacGruber: Though I do kind of like some streamers on Peacock.

[The bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!