Piper… Ryan Phillippe
Vicki… Kristen Wiig
MacGruber… Will Forte[Starts with the show intro] [rock music]
Song: MacGruber, making life saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra sticky situations
MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius
Piper: Dammit! The store is pressure sealed. We’re not going anywhere.
Vicki: MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle this C4 for explosive, [there’s a huge bomb] this whole building is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry gang. We can do this if we work together as a team. And look I know this whole COVID situation has really changed the game. So, we got to be smart about this, okay? We’re in a small room with very limited airflow.
Piper: Good call.
Vicki: Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can.
Vicki: You got it, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Pipe, that liner glue.
Piper: Coming at you, Grubs.
MacGruber: Now both of you, hand me your masks.
MacGruber: No time to explain. Masks, now![MacGruber puts Piper’s, Vicki’s and his masks in the can and burns them]
Vicki: MacGruber, what are you doing?
MacGruber: Freeing us from tyranny, Vic. You’re welcome.
Vicki: What? I really want to wear that mask.
Piper: Yeah. You just said yourself that we’re in a small enclosed room.
MacGruber: Yeah, so we need every drop of oxygen we can get which is impossible with these stupid face diapers. I can finally breathe.[takes a long breath. Piper and Vicki cover their faces with their hands.]
Vicki: Hey, gotta say I’m a little uncomfortable with this.
MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vic. I’m vaxed and relaxed. Here’s proof.[MacGruber passes Vicki a piece of paper. It’s handwritten by himself and Pfizer is spelled wrong as “Fizer”.]
Vicki: I think there’s a P missing at the beginning of Pfizer.
Piper: You got vaccinated at a sizzler?
MacGruber: I sure did Piper. And Vicki if there was a P in front of Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer. But nice try.
Piper: Just admit you’re not vaccinate.
MacGruber: Okay, fine you freakin Karens. I’m not getting that stupid shot, alright? ‘Cause I don’t want the government putting a tracking device on my scrotum.
Piper: MacGruber, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about?
MacGruber: Yeah, I don’t need to know what I’m talking about, Piper, because I have a brain. but since sheeple are so freaked out, let me assure you I’m totally anti-semitic.
Vicki: Sorry, I’m not sure we heard you right.
MacGruber: I don’t have any symptoms.
Piper: I think the word you’re looking for is asymptomatic.
MacGruber: Yeah, that’s what I said.
Vicki: No, it’s not.
MacGruber: No. I definitely said I’m anti semitic.
Piper: Yeah, you did.
MacGruber: So, what’s the issue here?
Vicki: MacGruber, 10 seconds.
MacGruber: Look, we may not all agree on this hoax vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on is that I do know how to defuse bombs.
Vicki: One second, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me–[the bomb explodes]
MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and he’s got a new album
MacGruber, he realized there was more than just one side of this issue
MacGruber, he’s following the science now
Piper: Shoot! This vault door is welded shut. There’s no way out.
Vicki: And from the looks of that dynamite bomb, we’ve only got 60 seconds before this whole place is blown to Betsy.
MacGruber: Not a problem gang. [he’s wearing a mask, but he has cut opened the mouth and nose part.] We got this and don’t worry, after the last mission, I heard your concerns and now I’m following all the protocols.
Vicki: Well, MacGruber, there’s a big hole on your mask.
MacGruber: Yeah, so don’t suffocate from all the carbo dockside. Duh! Look, there’s no reason to be scared. I’m gonna be fine. I’ve done a ton of research and I’m following the science now.
Vicki: That’s good.
MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that ivermectin.[Vicki passes him the ivermectin]
Vicki: Okay, here.
MacGruber: Piper that hydroxychloroquine.[Piper passes him the hydroxychloroquine]
Piper: Here.[MacGruber takes all the medicine and pills at once]
Vicki: MacGruber, you have COVID?
MacGruber: Hell no.
Vicki: Oh, thank God.
MacGruber: I have COVID Plus. It’s a COVID strain mixed with something else.
MacGruber: Oh, you got it. So yeah, COVID, syphilis and I do have an unconnected freestanding herpes in there as well. I also have horse worms. So this ivermectin is pulling double duty.
Piper: You have horse worms?
MacGruber: Oh yeah, bunch of. Check this out. [He pulls out a pile of noodles like thing]
Vicki: Oh, that’s so disgusting.
MacGruber: Relax. It’s just spaghetti. And down here, my jockeys just waiting for the right moment to spring this little joke on ya! Punked! [he eats the spaghetti] A little an dente.
Vicki: So, you don’t have horse worms?
MacGruber: No, I do have horse worms. Oh, look, they’re chopping on the spaghetti. Ha-ha-ha. Leave that alone, you turkeys. That’s my food. I’m not gonna eat this now.
Vicki: MacGruber, the bomb!
MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper with Dr. Anthony Fauci face on it.
MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that “Let’s go Brandon” t-shirt.
Vicki: Here you go, MacGruber.
MacGruber: It’s so funny, huh? That actually means something else.
Piper: Yeah, we know.
MacGruber: Do you know what it means?
Piper: MacGruber, I feel like you’ve gone down some kind of outright misinformation rabbit hole.
MacGruber: You’re all wrong about that, Karen/ My information is Piper00% non insane. Ever heard of QAnon?[the bomb explodes]
MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an internet rabbit hole
MacGruber, he lost some friends and family and they staged an intervention
MacGruber, he’s got his act together now
Piper: Looks like we’re trapped, MacGruber.
Vicki: And the hydrogen bomb is set to blow in MacGruber0 seconds.[MacGruber is wearing fur head cover with horns and he has painted his face red, white and blue, like the people from Capitol riot]
MacGruber: So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these Hollywood celebrities are eating babies. They devour them. They’re insatiable. Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti. Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they have a variety of recipes. That’s what’s happening out there and nobody is doing anything about it.
Piper: Can we concentrate on the bomb?
MacGruber: Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?
Vicki: I knew it.
Piper: Oh god, you’re so brainwashed.
MacGruber: I’m sorry. In what way?
Piper: Just look at how your dressed!
MacGruber: Oh, forgive me for not shopping at Cheaps-R-Us like you. I’m just your average American who believes in limited government. My body my choice, for men, and suppress voting rights for alternatively skin people. Now, I’m not sure how that makes me brainwashed.
Piper: MacGruber, focus. Please.
MacGruber: You’re right. Okay, Vicki, hand me all the remains of America’s soul. [pointing at an empty chair]
Vicki: What? There’s nothing there.
MacGruber: Welcome to the real world. I’m just a shaman.
Vicki: 15 seconds. All I can do is pray for you, take up arms against you and keep the oath I took to protect this country. Because I am an oath keeper. And boy, am I proud of that. Which I guess makes me a proud boy.
Piper: Do you even understand what you’re saying right now?
MacGruber: Probably not.
Piper: MacGruber, if we don’t deal with this bomb. We are going to explode.
Vicki: Five seconds.
MacGruber: Yeah, according to CNN.
Vicki: Four seconds.
MacGruber: Cancel culture.
Vicki: Three seconds.
MacGruber: Not my clock.
Vicki: Two seconds.
MacGruber: Hollywood elite.
Vicki: One second.
MacGruber: Though I do kind of like some streamers on Peacock.[The bomb explodes]