Micahel Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their home]
Colin Jost: Welcome to the last Weekend Update Home Edition, we think. I’m Colin Jost. ne.
Micahel Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. A personal Valet who handles president Trump’s meals has tested positive for the coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. Trump also traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this, he didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason. And I gotta say, he looks special. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I’m not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats.
Micahel Che: Look. Obviously, this pandemic has been tough for everybody. I lost my grandmother. Colin, you lost J. Crew. Everything’s changing so fast. But what if this is my last time on TV? That sounds dramatic but I got a whole summer to survive. I mean, not just the virus, I got to worry about the police. You know, 40 people were arrested in New York for not social distancing and 35 of them were black, four were hispanic and only one was white. I guess white people are harder to catch coz they’re all greased up in sunscreen at Central Park, right Colin?
Colin Jost: I’m not ready to joke about J Crew yet. Tara Reade, the woman who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Replied Biden, “Wait, I’m still on the race?”
I don’t know whether the allegations against Joe Biden are true and I’m not sure Joe Biden does either. He probably has an easier time remembering Tara Reade if her name was like, Waffle Fries Johnson. What I do know is this is a really good argument for a female president. Like, you’ll never hear about Angela Merkel just grabbing some dude’s crotch. And if she did, it would be with a consent at a bdsm club in Dusseldorf.
Micahel Che: I mean, it’s just too much for me to worry about. You know, two white men in Georgia shot a black man for jogging in their neighborhood, Colin. Jogging! Said he looked suspicious. Look, I don’t want to brag, but I live in a very, very, very white neighborhood. And I spent so much of my time trying not to look suspicious to white neighbors. It’s exhausting. I don’t even feel comfortable wearing mask in public coz I feel it’s entrapment. But even I can’t think of something less suspicious in a white neighborhood than jogging. Except maybe tinkering on a trans am listening to Whitesnake or walking a toddler on a leash. I mean, what else can we do?
Colin Jost: Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses got into a twitter feud with Steve Mnuchin over administration’s coronavirus response. And no matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that’s the dumbest sentence to ever count as news. Mnuchin attacked Axl Rose writinge “What have you done for this country?” Well, what Axl Rose did for this country was, his band tried to win the war on drugs by doing all the cocaine themselves.
Micahel Che: And Colin, now they got murder hornets coming out. Did you hear about the murder hornets? So, let me get this straight. I got to try to survive this summer, the coronavirus, the police, basic cardio and now big ass murder hornets? Is this real life or am I on “American Ninja Warrior?” Why do I feel like I’m living in the old testament? Look, if I get murdered by giant hornets, that’s just on me, man. I had it coming. Okay? I guess that just serves me, right? Call it karma. But Colin, just don’t tell my parents or wikipedia that the hornets got me. Just say it was the police orr I was masturbating with a belt and miscalculate the timing or something. Anything else to save me some dignity. Coz I can’t let history know me as that.
Colin Jost: The New YOrk subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir.