The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton] [Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage] [Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]

Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.] [cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other] [Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in] [romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience] [cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Carson Endorsement Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016] [Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.

Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.

Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.

Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.

Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.

[Ben Carson walks away] [Cut to Jake]

Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.

Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]

Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.

Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.

Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.

Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.

Donald Trump: The list goes on.

Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.

Donald Trump: The list ends.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]

Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.

Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: How did you change so fast?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake] [Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.] [As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.] [Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro] [Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.] [Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.] [Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.] [Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

New Hampshire Democratic Debate Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Lindsey Davis… Ego Nwodim

David Meur… Alex Moffat

Tom Steyer… Pete Davidson

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Mike Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Male voice: From Manchester, New Hampshire, it’s the Democratic Debate.

[Cut to the Democratic Debate] [cheers and applause] [Cut to George]

George: Good evening and welcome to the Democratic Debate. I’m George Stephanopoulos. [Cut to David, Lindsey and George] And joining me for optics is Lindsey Davis and David Meur.

Lindsey: Thank you.

David: Thank you, George.

George: Okay, that’s enough. Wow, what a week it has been for American politics. Iowa was a disaster. President Trump has gotten Super Saiyan since his acquittal. And now it’s up to New Hampshire to start turning things around for the democrats. So, let’s meet our future MSNBC contributors.

[Cut to the podiums. The participants of the debate walk to the podiums.]

Billionaire Tom Steyer. Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar, senator Vermont Bernie Sanders, Former vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, former South bend Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang confused] [Cut to George]

Vice president Biden, let’s start with you. Are you at all concerned about your poor performance in Iowa?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: You know? I’ll be honest. Losing Iowa was a real kick in the nuts. Alright? But I am not worried at all because, you know, by the time we get to south Cackalacky, Joe Biden’s gonna do what Joe Biden does best. Creep up from behind! Just when you think your lead is safe, my numbers are gonna sneak up and surprise you with a nice sweet kiss on the neck.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, mayor Pete, you initially claimed victory in Iowa and then senator Sanders claimed victory a few days later leading to some major in fighting. Who do you think really won?

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Um, Donald Trump.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, I mean out of the democrats.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh! Oh! Then, I guess me.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I still can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa. [cheers and applause] I can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa because of an app. Hey, I have an idea for an app. It’s call ‘No Apps’. No apps, no computers, no gadgets no gizmos. You show up to your polling place, take a number like you do with the butcher, they call you ticket, you walk up to the counter and say to the guy, “Give me your pound or whatever’s about to go bad.”

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Oh, the issue in Iowa was math! Oh, I wonder who they could have called to help them out with that? [showing his pin on his coat that says ‘MATH’] Oh, what? I mean, because of my pin racist!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: I don’t wanna talk about Iowa anymore. Let’s talk about the hearing now. Alright? I am very confident about my chances in New Hampshire. I tend to really connect with New England moms who own big dogs, baca fleece vests, Joe Biden days out of week. Look, New Hampshire, your state border might be kissing Vermont, but you ass is resting on Massachusetts. So, come on over and fill up the gap.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: I just wanna add that senator Warren is not the only sensible candidate standing here before you. You are looking at the other half of New York times endorsement. But guess what? Elizabeth is J-Lo and I am Shakira. And so, to Donald Trump I say, [making funny teasing noise] .

[Cut to Tom Steyer with his right hand raised]

Tom Steyer: I have my hand up now. I would like to talk please. Notice me? Thank you.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay, go ahead.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Um, I just want to say that I love everybody here. I mean, I agree with all of them. You know, everybody. All of you. I’m sorry, I’m tripping balls right now.

[Cut to George]

George: Alright. Let’s take a quick word from our sponsor tonight. [advertising] Bloomberg. [Mike Bloomberg’s picture appears at the bottom of the screen. And there’s a written ‘mike BLOOMBERG 2020.] Are you a registered democrat thinking, “These can’t be my only choices, then try Bloomberg. He is not as short as Trump is fat.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m not an out of touch billionaire like Bloomberg. Sure, I’ve been taking a private jet to campaign events. But I do that for my fellow passengers. Believe me. You don’t want to sit next to me on a plane. I’m a middle seat guy and get up to use the bathroom minimum six times between Des Moines and Manchester. I bring leftovers from home that stink up the plane. And if you think I’m loud when I talk, you should hear me chew.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna out-poor me, alright? My campaign is broke as hell. My biggest contributions are the pennies from loafers and whatever the concerned moms of Bernie bros can afford.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Okay. This is my favorite part of the debate where we ask about winning the black vote. I’m gonna start with you, mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh, man! Look, people say I’m not very popular among minorities. They’ve been referring to me as mayo Pete. But I assure you I am not that spicy.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey! Hey! Um, look, speaking of the black vote, that reminds me of a little underdog story. And, spoiler alert, it’s a long one. Alright? The year was nineteen hundred rata-tat-tat, okay? And I am straighting through the rough part of Wilmington DE when suddenly, I come across four gentlemen from the isle of Jamaica. Now I’m talking these fellas are dark as night, okay? Before they can make their first move though, I toss them, all four of them right into a cardboard box and I roll them down the hill. And that is how I gave Jamaica it’s first bobsledding.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Alright, people! It’s simple. If you want black people to like you, give them $1,000. It’s been working for me since high school.

[Cut to Tom Steyer. His right hand is raised.]

Tom Steyer: Hey, my hand’s up again. Um, I’m just gonna come out and say it, I am 100% for reparations.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Alright, but in what way?

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I don’t know. But that guy’s with me.

[Cut to the audience focusing on Kenan. He doesn’t know what Tom Steyer is talking about.] [Cut to George]

George: Alright, let’s hear your closing statements. Senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Um, why am I not doing better? I am the most reasonable person on stage. Instead of tearing democrats down, I get along with everyone up here. Um, baby knot, chompers, slender man. And I know you’re probably surprised to see me on this stage still. But I am Amy Klobuchar, I am here. I am square. Get used to it!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, listen. Bottom line, I know a lot of people like me but they’re worried about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that. Elect me. It’s that simple. You can trust this face. This is me on LinkedIn, Facebook, IG and michaelscraftstore.com.

[Cut to George]

George: Senator Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Okay. I don’t know how or why it happened. But I am the king of an army of internet trolls called Bernie Bros. Could I stop them in their tracks? Of course. Should I? Yes. Will I? Nay! Hillary Clinton says nobody likes me. Let me ask you this. The how come I’m the most popular guy Fortune?

[Cut to George]

George: Mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Look, I know corruption is a problem in this country. I know big business controls too much of Washington. I know democrats don’t want another candidate with massive corporate donors. And I know that I sound like a bot that has studied human behavior by watching 100 hours of Obama speeches. So, let’s get #WhiteObama trending. And please, please, not ironically. Thank you.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Look, I tried to tell you guys the robots are coming, Yang gang 2020! Let’s get this shmoney!

[Cut to George]

George: Mr. Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: You know, I didn’t come here to make friends. But dammit, I made some great ones. [sobbing] It’s been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay. Mr. Biden, you have 60 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: What? No, the doctors said I had six to eight months.

[Cut to George]

George: No! I meant for your closing statement.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Oh! Okay. Alright, alright. Well, then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.

[Everybody comes in]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff] [cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg] [cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!