Drew… Beck Bennett
Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd
Ramal… Kenan Thompson
Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon
Marcia… Leslie Jones
Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat
Amanda… Miley Cyrus
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
Derek… Pete Davidson
Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor
Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin
Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]
Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]
Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!
Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]
Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.
Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]
Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.
Amanda: You’re really cute.
Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.
Amanda: Do you have a brother?[Cut to Drew]
Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek
Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.
Derek: Are you okay?
Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.
Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back![Cut to Drew]
Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]
Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.
Tony Bennett: What?
Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.
Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.
Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.
Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]
Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?[Cut to Sofia Vergara]
Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]
Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]
Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.
Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.
Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.
Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]
Ramal: Damn! $92,000![Cut to Drew]
Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]
Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.
Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.
Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.
Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]
Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]
Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.
Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]
Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.
Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.
Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.
Chris Hemsworth: Love it.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]
Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.
Derek: Already a bad start.
Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.
Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.
Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: The actual price is $600.[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]
Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]
Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.[Cut to Drew]
Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.[Tony Bennett walks in]
Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?
Drew: Please don’t do this.
Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.
Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.
Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.
Drew: With more of the Price is Right.