Tag: Jon Rudnitsky

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Preparation H Advanced Gel

Jon Rudnitsky

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with two couples waiting for their table in a restaurant]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Please follow me. Your table is ready.

[As everyone walk towards the table, Ron stops.]

Kate: You coming?

Ron: I’ll be there in a second. You go on ahead.

Kate: Okay.

[Beck is looking Ron from behind]

Beck: Hey, man. Hurts to sit down?

Ron: Ah, yeah.

Beck: Burns?

Ron: Yeah.

Beck: You need to try this.

[Beck gives Ron a small package of gel]

It’s a Preparation H Advanced Gel for fast acting relief.

Ron: And this stuff works?

Beck: Yeah. It works.

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel offers maximum strength solutions fo all hemorrhoid symptoms. Don’t let pain stop you from being

[Cut to the two couple enjoying their meal at the table]

Ron: So I loosen my tie, and now I am dancing with the mother of the bride.

[Everyone laughs]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, man. Did that stuff I gave you help your butt?

Ron: Excuse me?

Beck: The hemorrhoid cream I gave you at the bar. Did it end up helping your butt?

Ron: [whispering] What are you doing?

Beck: Your butt was on fire when we met.

[Beck walks away]

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel. Because you’re on the move and in the groove.

[Cut to Ron and Kate dancing]

Kate: What’s got into you? I’ve never seen you dance before.

Ron: Well, you better get used to it coz I have a feeling I’m gonna be dancing a whole lot more from now on.

[Ron looks at the camera and winks]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you. You need any more ass cream?

[Ron’s friends stop dancing and are looking at Ron]

Ron: Dude, honestly get away from me.

Beck: I gave you a hot tip and you pretend like you don’t even know me? I saved your bacon, man! [Ron’s friends are looking at them and they are confused] Yeah Ron Head hemorrhoid problem, I do too. Bad. [Beck looks at the camera] That’s why I told Ron about Preparation H. [smiles]

Male voice: Preparation H, the re–

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, Ron, come with me. I gotta put more cream on.

Ron: What?

Beck: I need you to stand in front of the bathroom door. There’s no lock on the door and a girl just walked in on me laying down on the ground with her legs over my head creaming up.

Ron: I am not doing that.

Beck: You’re my best friend.

Male voice: Preparation H. Hemorrhoids fade, friends are forever.

[Beck pulls Ron to the toilet]

Beck: Come on. Stop crapping around.

 

Ninja Shanice Goodwin

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Sensei… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Vlad… Russell Crowe

Taran Killam

Gregor… Kenan Thompson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Shanice’s picture as a child]

Shanice: First they said, “Your’e too small.”

[Picture changes to Shanice as an adult]

Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You’ll never make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice wearing a ninja costume with a sword]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

[Cut to Shanice and Sensei. Sensei is wearing karate uniform and a black belt.]

Sensei: Shanice, the ambassador’s been kidnapped by the Russian mob. These are professional Shanice, bad dudes. All your training has come to this moment.

Shanice: Don’t worry sensei. I’m going to do some ninja stuff.

[Shanice walks away]

[Cut to Russian Mob headquarters]

[Four men have Vanessa tied up in a chair]

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me?

Vlad: Alas! We are Russians. it’s gets more easy we get the rules, you live. If they don’t listen, maybe Russians will have to do something… terrible.

Vanessa: I’m warning you. My father knows some very dangerous people.

Vlad: Very dangerous? She say very dangerous.

[The men laugh]

[Shanice comes behind them and leaves sommersaulting.]

[Cut to Taran and Gregor]

Taran: Gregor. Did you feel, [Gregor is coughing] you okay?

Gregor: No.

Taran: I felt it too. Something breeze.

Gregor: I don’t know. I didn’t feel nothing. I think maybe you have been drinking.

[Gregor gets hit by a suriken and falls down]

Ah!

Taran: Gregor!

[Jon runs in]

Jon: Where did that come from?

[Shanice is sneaking behind them]

[Cut to everybody]

Vlad: Be still. Someone is among them. I can feel it. Show yourself!

[Shanice is pretending to be reading a newspaper behind them]

Everyone, be very quiet. Silence is their enemy.

[Shanice runs behind them and hits Jon with a bottle and walks away. Jon falls down.]

What was that?

Taran: I don’t know. I saw only blur.

Vanessa: You want to know what that was? I’ll tell you. I think there’s a ninja in here.

Vlad: Check the door.

[Taran walks goes to check the door and comes back]

I swear to you on my life, we will find this ninja and kill him. Where is he?

Taran: I don’t know, Vlad. I’ve looked everywhere.

[Taran is walking around. He is putting his hand on Shanice’s face as a support but has not seen her yet.]

There is no where it could be. It seems comprehensive.

Vanessa: I was right. Somewhere in this room, there’s definitely a ninja.

Taran: He’s almost like ghost. There is no–

[Shanice jumps in and breaks Taran’s neck]

Vlad: Show yourself. Fight me face to face or she dies.

[Shanice comes behind Vlad]

Shanice: I am the wind.

[Shanice runs away]

Vlad: You are the wind, yes. [Shanice brings in the ladder behind Vlad] I am stone. You see, I am Russian. And a Russian stone does not move. The Russian stone stays in place through thousands of winters. [Shanice is climbing the ladder] It does remain very solid.

[Shanice jumps and hits Vlad. Vlad falls down.]

[Shanice cuts the ropes tying Vanessa on the chair]

Vanessa: Oh, my goodness. You saved my life. Who are you?

[Cut to Shanice’s face.]

Shanice: Me? I’m a ninja. And a cashier from Cole’s.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears]

[visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves]

[A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away]

[Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves]

[Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing]

[As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible]

[Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Weekend Update Jon Rudnitsky Dirty Dancing

Colin Jost

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Following the success of last week’s Greece live, rumors are now circulating about a possible Dirty Dancing Live starring Channing Tatum. Here to comment is our very own Jon Rudnitsky.

[Jon Rudnitsky slides in]

Jon Rudnitsky: Hey, Colin. How’s it going?

Colin Jost: Great! How are you Jon? What are your thoughts on Dirty Dancing Live?

Jon Rudnitsky: I don’t like it. Channing Tatum? [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] Like, he needs to work? This is theatre on TV. A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not a regular guy. I mean, you’re on SNL.

Jon Rudnitsky: Literally nobody knows that Colin. [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] So, the producers of Dirty Dancing Live, before you make any casting decisions, you don’t wanna hold off because I have a brand new take on it.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you wearing Patrick Swayze wig?

Jon Rudnitsky: Maybe. Don, hit the lights.

[The lights turns off and red dim lights is on.]

[music playing]

[Jon Rudnitsky climbs over the news desk and starts dancing like he’s dancing with someone]

Colin Jost: So Jon, have you seen Dirty Dancing?

Jon Rudnitsky: I have not.

Colin Jost: Jon Rudnitsky, everyone.

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away]

[Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Leslie looking angry]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]