BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face] [Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek] [Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down] [Everyone is shocked] [Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.] [Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out] [Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck] [Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving] [Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Pirate Ship

Bulmier… Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

Strike Pete… Taran Killam

Cathro Jake… Kenan Thompson

Mark… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with pirates in their ship]

Bulmier: Drink up, boys. And mind your manners, we have a guest.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily. Bulmier his holding Cecily hostage.]

The governor will pay a fine ransom for you.

Cecily: You’re disgusting.

Bulmier: Oh yes, thank you. Now, let’s give her a little of pirate’s welcome. Ha-ha.

[music playing] [The pirates start dancing]

My name is captain Bulmier
I ride upon the waves
and if the Queen sends her ships
I’ll send them to the graves

[Cut to Strike]

Strike: I’m Strike Pete, the gunner
my aim is deadly true
I’ll send a ball right through your hole
and sink you in the blue

[Cut to Cathro]

Cathro: I’m Cathro Jake, the buccaneer
my soul is scarred and dead
and if you dare to cross me
me knife goes in your head 

[Cut to everybody. Mark swings by the rope.]

Mark: My name is Mark and I keep things fun.

Cecily: Who was that?

Strike: Use your pretty ears. That was Mark.

Cathro: And he keeps things fun.

[Cut to Mark, showing his stuffed parrot.]

Mark: I made a little outfit for the parrot. It’s the kind of stuff I do, keeping it light, keeping it fun. Expect this kind of stuff from me.

[The pirates are laughing]

Pirates: [singing] So, bury me bones with Devi Jones
and drink rum for me

[laughing]

Bulmier: How good is Mark.

[Cut to Cecily, blushing]

Cecily: He is not bad.

[Bulmier walks to Cecily]

Bulmier: Not bad? Not bad? He’s the best!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Uh, gentlemen, I’m sitting on the cannon.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily]

Bulmier: [laughing] Mark, what re you up to?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I don’t know, but I don’t feel so good. [putting his one hand over his stomach as if he has upset stomach] [Mark lights up the cannon and as the cannon blows, he acts as it was his fart.]

Ah!

[Cut to everybody laughing]

Cecily: Okay, you’re right. Mark is the best.

Bulmier: See? That’s what Mark does. He makes–

[Cut to Strike and Cathro]

Cathro: Every ship needs a Mar. The sea will drive you mad without a buffoon to keep you guessing.

Strike: Mark’s got this character he does named Jeffy. [laughing] He’s got two hooks or hands and he– you know what? I’m not even doing it juts as you. You just have to see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Bulmier: Mark, do the dance. Do thedance.

Mark: I don’t know. Give me a beat.

[The pirates start clapping and tapping] [Mark walks forward and starts does nae-nae and other pop dances.] [As dancing, Mark falls down the ship.] [Cut to the pirates looking down the ship]

Cathro: What?

Strike: Oh my god!

[As the pirates are looking for Mark down the ship, Mark walks in from behind and looks down with them.]

Mark: Good riddens to that guy now.

[Pirates are laughing] [Cut to everybody]

Strike: You just went over boars.

Cathro: And you’re not even wet. I am! How did you do that?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: You want me to say? It’s so obvious you’re gonna be made that you didn’t figure it out.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cathro]

Bulmier: No, no. I don’t want to know.

Cathro: I mean I do, but I don’t.

Bulmier: Well, let’s sway anchor and let’s sail lands.

[Cut to Mark. He has hooks on his both hands.]

Mark: Hey guys, can someone help me in the bathroom?

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: Oh, Jeffy! Jeffy!

Cathro: He is doing the Jeffy.

[Pirates laughing] [The End]

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey
Okay!

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.] [Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing] [The video stops and credit appears] [The End]

Time To Bleed

Sasheer Zamata

Paleski… Chris Hemsworth

Ruman… Kyla Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jon Rudnitsky

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]

Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.

[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]

Paleski, you’ve been hit.

Paleski: I’m fine.

Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.

Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.

[Paleski runs after Ruman any way] [Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]

Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.

Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.

[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]

Paleski: Hey, baby.

[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.] [Sasheer reaches the scene]

Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.

Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.

[Paleski groaning because of the pain]

Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.

Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.

[Cut to press conference held by the police]

Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.

[Paleski receives the medal.]

Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.

Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?

[Paleski groaning]

Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?

Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.

Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.

Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]

Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.

Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.

Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.

Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.

Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.

[Paleski bands the table]

Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.

[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.] [Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: You really don’t look good.

Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.

Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.

Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.

[Paleski falls down.] [Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]

Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.

[door knock] [Doctor walks in]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.

Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.

Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.

Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.

[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.] [Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]

Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–

[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]

Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?

[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]

Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.

Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—

Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?

[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]

Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]

Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.

[The bed is full of blood.] [Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]

Oh, he’s dead.

[The End]

3D Printed Man

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

Matthew McConaughey

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

[Cut to Cecily with her product presentation]

Cecily: Bio Print 3D printers are in the half the hospitals in the country. Our technology has created new ears, skin graphs and even artificial limbs. But our mission is to keep innovating. And today, we prove why we remain on the fore front of the 3D printing revolution. Because Bio Print is now the first company to 3D print an entire human man.

[applause]

How realistic is this man? Well, why don’t you be the judge.

[The curtains open. there are three men sitting on the stage.]

I’d like to introduce three men to you. Two are humans, but one of them was printed with a Bio Print 3D printer. Can you tell who?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hello. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Hi there. Am I the 3D printed man?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Hi today. Am I the 3D printed man today?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Clearly our 3D printed man is physically identical to a regular man. But can we 3D print human personality and emotion? Well you tell us. I invited anyone to ask our panel a question.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Well, hello to all three of you. Humans all enjoy eating. What’s your favorite food?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I know it’s not the healthiest choice but my weakness is buffalo wings.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh, as for me, I gotta say a good steak. Medium rare.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say every single one of the bananas.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Hm, yum. More questions?

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Hello. I wanted to say to the one on the right. You’re different but you’re kind of cute.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. My question is for all of you. What’s your favorite movie?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well I have a daughter. So, I’ll go with the Little Mermaid. It was the first movie we saw together.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well I’m a scifi geek, so I gotta say Star Wars.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know I’ve gotta say Fight House.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah, I’ve never heard of Fight House.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: I could say the same about you. Ha-ha.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Okay. Yes, sir.

[Cut to Jon in the audience]

Jon: Hi there. Keeping our mind occupied is one thing that makes us human. What are you hobbies?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, I fish, I’m learning to cook.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, you know, I’m gonna have to say I’m playing all the sports and using pens. That’s cool and smooth like a real sunglasses guy.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Very, very funny, Bruce. Who else?

[Cut to Sasheer in the audience]

Sasheer: Can I ask what you do for a living?

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Get out of here in your town with that question. You’re making a sunglasses guy like me laugh hard from my face. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh yeah.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, I’m a contractor for a petroleum company.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m in sales.

[Cut to Bruce]

Bruce: Who? Me? As for me, I sell all the t-shirts. I also like milk.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Now I can tell most of you are still stumped. So let’s add a new wrinkle. Movement. Gentlemen, I’d like you all to go for a walk.

[Beck stands and walks around casually.]

Good.

[Taran stands and walks around casually.]

Okay, very nice.

[Bruce stands and walks around. He is walking around like a robot.]

Love that strud. Yes. Love that strud. Anybody up for some dancing?

[Cut to Beck and Taran. They stand and dance casually.]

Um, very nice. Looks like we got some real dancers here.

[Cut to Bruce. He is dancing wildly jumping around]

Bruce: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Bruce, stop. Stop, Bruce.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Is the 3D printed man Bruce?

[Cut to the stage]

Cecily: Wow. Yes. Incredible job. Now, if you want to come up here and meet Bruce, you all have about three minutes before he catches fire.

Bruce: Feeling hot.

[Bruce starts jumping around again]

Feeling hot. Feeling hot.

[The End]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too] [Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody] [Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth] [Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.] [The End]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.] [Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward] [Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.] [right answer bell] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.] [wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen] [wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen] [wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.] [Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen] [wrong buzzer] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams] [yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen] [right answer bell] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]