Doug… Beck Bennett
Sasheer Zamata
Arnold… Bobby Moynihan
Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks
Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah
Becky… Aidy Bryant
Jon Rudnitsky
[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]
Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.
[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]
Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.
Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.
Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.
Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?
Arnold: $3,000.
Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.
[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]
Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.
[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]
Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?
Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.
Marcus: That’s right.
[They shake hands]
Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.
Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.
Arnold: Ah!
[Cut to Doug and Arnold]
Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?
Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.
Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]
Becky: Hi.
Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?
Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.
[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]
Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.
Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.
Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.
Arnold: Okay.
[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]
Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.
[Abby and Marcus walk away too]
[Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]
Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.
Arnold: This is so cool.
[Jon walks out]
Doug: Okay, we set? And action.
Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.
[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]
Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.
[Everyone else leaves]
Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!
[Arnold raises his both hands]
Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?
[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]
Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.
Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.
[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]
Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.
Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?
[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]
This man!
[Cut to everybody]
[Becky walks in]
Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!
[Becky runs away]
Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.
[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]
Arnold: Ou! Ou!
Abby: How about one for the road?
[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth]
[Doug walks in]
Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.
Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.
Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.
Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?
Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?
Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.
Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?
Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?
Arnold: Alright?
Doug: And action!
Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.
Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.
Doug: And cut.
Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.
Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.
Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?
Abby: Oh, yeah.
Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.
Doug: And action!
Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.
Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.
Doug: And cut.
[Arnold is shook]
Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.
[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]
Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.
[Abby and Marcus laughing]
Abby: This guy.
Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.
[Cut to everybody]
Abby: Whooo! Great job.
[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]
Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.
Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.
[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]
The whole cast signed it.
Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.
Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.
Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.
Arnold: No, thank you.
Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.
[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.]
[The End]