Cheerleading Show

Heidi Gardner

Adam Driver

Kroy…Beck Bennett

Daisy… Chloe Fineman

Becky… Ego Nwodim

Cooper… Kenan Thompson

Tony… Bowen Yang

Meg… Kate McKinnon

Terra… Halsey

[Starts with Cheer introduction video]

Male voice: You’re watching ‘Cheer’. The new Netflix docu-series that has everyone asking, “Did you watch Cheer?”

[Cut to the locker room]

Heidi: Okay all, buckle up. We are 10 days out from the National Cheer Leading competition in Daytona.

Adam: And we know you all are shook coz a lot of this team is getting injured.

Heidi: Hey, we throw people ha-ha-high in the air and sometimes we drop-drop-drop them.

Adam: And it’s specially scary coz of what happened to Tara.

[Cut to a cheerleader stuck on the ceiling hole.] [Cut to Heidi and Adam]

But we are working on getting her down.

Heidi: Okay, I cannot stress this enough. In this sport, it’s the tiny girl’s job to fly and the gay guys must catch them.

Adam: You all gotta prove why you deserve to be on mat at Daytona. Coz you know you all aren’t gonna make it. Kroy, let’s start with you.

[Cut to the cheerleaders. Kroy has a broken arm.]

Kroy: I deserve to be here because we must, so we will. I was inspired by the quote I saw in the menu at Alpaca steak house that said, “There’s no such thing as being full.” I think about that erryday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And did your arm pop out yesterday and go bo-yo-yoing yesterday?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and how does it feel now?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, so I can kind of see his bone.

Adam: Yeah, I’m kind of smelling his arm rot. But he knows the parts. Okay, Kroy, you’re on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Daisy, do you deserve to go to Daytona?

[Cut to Daisy. She is on crutches.]

Daisy: Yes. I go hard. In two years, my elbows will be gagged and my brain will be Swiss Cheese. But for now, I cheer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and Daisy, your ankle melted yesterday? Correct?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Yes, ma’am.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And what did you put on it?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Prayer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. The ankle is goo down there.

Adam: Yeah, it smells like soup.

Heidi: But she tumbles like a boy and she’s never had a mama, so we can mold her.

Adam: Daisy, you’re on mat!

[Cut to Daisy celebrating]

Daisy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. Anyone else wanna make a case for themelves?

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Yes. I just wanna say I deserve to be here because I’m a cheer-lebrity. Y’all know I’m the face of Stanky Leotards and chances are the tards you’re wearing are stankies!

[Cut to everybody. Becky shows her booty where it’s written ‘Stanky’.]

Heidi: Becky, why are you talking? You’re hot. You’re on now.

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Alright. It’s down to the wire. And I’m making an executive decision. All of y’all are on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders celebrating] [Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Oh, I’m on mat? I’ve never been on mat. I will not let you down.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: No, Cooper. Not you. What did we tell you?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m always a maybe. I understand. Go team! [snaps and claps] [Cut to everybody] [a fellow cheerleader brings in Tony as his both legs are plastered.]

Tony: Do not worry about me. I’m okay. Cheer doctor says nothing is broken but nothing is connected.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: But Tony, can we count on you to be on mat at Daytona?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Tony: Yes! I won’t be moving but I will be cheering nonsense the loudest.

[yelling] Chicken cheese and chips

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa!

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Mag on a wheelchair. She has all her body plastered.]

Adam: Meg, you’re back from the hospital. What happened?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: Fine. I landed on my hut yesterday and I got stuck in my neck.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, Meg, we are two days off from Tona. Can you be on mat?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: No.

[Cut to everybody. They cannot believe Meg just said no.]

Adam: Okay team. You know what that means?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m on mat.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: No, Cooper, you’re not on mat.

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Understood. Good. And absolutely, do let me know to improve everyday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Memphis, can you be on map?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Memphis: I can do anything you need.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Can you do flips?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Can you life?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Do you know the coreo?

Memphis: No, haven’t been watching

Heidi: What have you been doing during practice?

Memphis: Facing the wall and thinking about the girls.

Heidi: Okay, so I think he’s just been playing with himself.

Adam: Yea, it seems like it. Yea.

[banging sound] [Cut to everybody]

Memphis: What’s going on?

[everybody looking around. Terra runs in.]

Kroy: You fell off the ceiling.

Terra: Yeah. God gave me back.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay. Cut to the chase. Terra, can you be on mat?

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Let’s see. [Cut to everybody. Terra does the stunt.] Chicken cheese and chips!

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa. Yay!

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen] [Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them] [Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.] [Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.