Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon
Amber… Venessa Bayer
Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong
Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam
Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah
Terra… Aidy Bryant
Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett
Al Pacino… Bill Hader
Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig
[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to the show]
Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.
[Cut to Amber smiling.]
Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.
[Cut to Sofia Vergara]
Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.
[Cut to Christoph Waltz]
Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.
[Cut to Morgan Freeman]
Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.
[Cut to Terra]
Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.
[Cut to Nick Offerman]
Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.
[cut to Al Pacino]
Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.
[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]
Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.
[There is a candy a the screen]
[Cut to Nick Offerman]
Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.
[wrong answer buzzer]
Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.
[wrong answer buzzer]
Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!
[wrong answer buzzer]
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.
[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford
Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.
[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them]
[Cut to Morgan Freeman]
Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?
[Cut to Morgan Freeman]
Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?
[wrong answer buzzer]
Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.
[wrong answer buzzer]
Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!
[wrong answer buzzer]
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!
[Cut to Al Pacino]
Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.
[Cut to Amber]
Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.
[Cut to Al Pacino]
Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!
[Cut to Terra]
Terra: And I’m gonna go–
[Cut to Terra’s team]
Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.
Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.]
[Cut to Jane Linch]
Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.
[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.]
[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]
Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”
[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]
Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?
[time buzzer]
Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!
[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]
Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”
[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]
Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.
[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]
Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.