Democratic Debate Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney

Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]

Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]

Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.

[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]

Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Go right ahead.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]

Martin O’Malley: Really?

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.

[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]

Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Hillary Clinton: No.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley]

Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]

Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]

How cool is that?

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Millenials

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Miley Cyrus

Kenan Thompson

Jaden… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: This fall, FOX presents a workplace drama unlike anything you’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: It took 25 years of work and sacrifice to climb my way to top of this company. But finally, I’m here.

[Kate walks in. She is busy using her phone.]

Kate: [speaking without looking at Taran] Hi. I know you’re talking to yourself at the window. But I need promotion.

Taran: I’m sorry. What do you want?

Kate: A promotion. And I don’t want it. I deserve it.

Taran: W-w-why? How long have you even worked here?

Kate: Three full days.

Taran: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

[Kate is smiling and looking at the camera] [Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[Cut to Taran and Kate]

Taran: I’m sorry. Let me get this straight. You worked here for three days and you expect a promotion?

Kate: Um, yeah! Nothing crazy like, maybe Director of communications, or executive creator or pictures.

Taran: Pictures?

Kate: Yeah. I know Photoshop. Now, I’m gonna take a nap. Where’s the nap room?

[Kate leaves] [Cut to Taran looking confused.] [Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. A show that explores what no other dares to. Beautiful 20 something’s trying to find the success and love they’re entitled to.

[Cut to Pete and Miley in the office. Both of them are busy using their phones.]

Pete: Hey.

Miley: Hi.

Pete: I think you’re cute.

Miley: You do?

Pete: Yeah. I’m looking at picture of you and it’s really hot.

Miley: Oh, my god! You just fav-ed it? This is moving too fast. I mean I don’t even know how I identify.

Pete: Well, I identify as gay but I only sleep with women.

Miley: That’s very brave. I’m just gender lazy

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Oh, great! We’re talking about gender again.

[Cut to Miley and Kenan]

Miley: Oh, yeah! I’m so glad you’re here. I need to go south of France to get some perspective.

[Kenan is confused]

Kenan: So, you’re quitting?

Miley: No, I’m not a quitter. I just won’t be here at all. Dang!

Kenan: Well, we actually need you here to do your job.

Miley: [overreacting] Stop yelling at me. This is an assault.

[Cut to Pete, Miley and Kenan]

Pete: [shouting] Stop attacking her.

Miley: Ah!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. Variety’s Brian Lowry says, “I met the cast and they were even more irritating than the characters they play”.

[Cut to Kate, Pete, Miley and Jaden. Jaden is at the window with his one leg over the window. Kate, Pete and Miley are busy using phone.]

Miley: Jaden, don’t do it!

Kate: Get away from that window.

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: I can’t go on like this. I cant… even!

[Kate, Pete and Miley. They’re busy using phone and are not even looknig at Jaden]

Miley: No! Don’t!

[Cut to Taran and Kenan looking at the others.]

Kenan: Do it! Do it!

Taran: Just do it!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Don’t try to stop me. I’ve been planning this. I’m taking a break from social media. [Jaden takes his phone out and takes a selfie. Then he throws the phone out of the window.] [Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: No!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Oh, god! What have I done? I’ll be back in a second.

[Jaden jumps out of the window and falls] [Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: Oh, my god!

[they run towards the window and start taking pictures] [Cut to Kenan and Taran]

Taran: I hate these kids.

Kenan: Um-hmm!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[The End]

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.] [Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.] [Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]

50s Homecoming Dance

Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Kyle Mooney

Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon

Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong

Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus

Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.] [Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]

Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?

Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!

Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss!

[Ditt leaves]

Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!

Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.

[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Wow!

Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.

[Cut to Vena Gaditchy standing with her friends] [Cut to the boys]

She’s so bad. Uh-huh!

Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.

[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Oh! She’s out of this world.

Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?

[Cut to everybody] [happy music playing] [singing] I need a girl who aces her classes

[Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]

Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses

[Kyle and Lindy dance together]

Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see

Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.

[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]

Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad

[Vena walk in singing]

Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.

Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do

Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you

[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]

Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock

sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter

eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat

keep, keep my booty tap

What?

[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.] [Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]

Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?

Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.

[the happy music playing] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]

Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants

Kyle: All your’s.

[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]

Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in

Taran: Mustang!

[Cut to Jon and Lily] [The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?

you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack

[Nasty Jack walks in]

Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!

Lily: We do everything together,

now just that Jack wants to have sex

Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?

Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.

Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!

Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears

and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!

Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?

Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.

[Ditt runs in]

Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb!

[Ditt runs away] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]

Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!

Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa

[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]

Taran: Tu-wa-pap-duba-daba-dipidi-doo

Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong!

[Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]

Jon: Shang-shang–

[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]

Oh, my gosh!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?

Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!

Lily: Come on!

Jon: Okay!

[Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.] [Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]