Tag: Martin O’Malley

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

Democratic Debate Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney

Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]

Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]

Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.

[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]

Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Go right ahead.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]

Martin O’Malley: Really?

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.

[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]

Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Hillary Clinton: No.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley]

Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]

Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]

How cool is that?

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.