Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb] [Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere] [Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere] [Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song] [Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass] [Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.] [Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]

 

Tracy Morgan Monologue

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Na, I’m just playing. Y’all thought for a minute that was real. But I’m back. It feels so good to be here. You may have seen on the news, I was in a trouble car accident a year ago. It was awful. But also showed me how much love and support I have in this world. So, a couple of months ago I called Lorne Michaels. He’s my co-obi-one-knobi. And I said, “Lorne, when I get back on my feet I wanna come home.” And here I am.

[cheers and applause]

Yo, ay! People were wondering, “Can he speak? Does he have 100% mental capacity?” But the truth is I never did. I might actually be a few points higher now. I’m so lucky I have my comedy family. When this happened, I knew they would all be there to support me. Now, I already knew how much they cared about me. From a very special episode of 30 Rock where my character Tracy Jordan almost died. Take a look at this episode from 2012. It was pathetic. See? I know the word pathetic. My brain works! Anyway, take a look.

[Cut to Alec talking on the phone. The video is marked as ‘Original Air Date October 3, 2012’]

Alec: Thank you doctor. Keep us posted. Bad news, that was my good friend doctor Rand Paul. He says that Tracy technically died for seven minutes after trying to non artificially inseminate his box jellyfish. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

[Cut to Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer looking at Alec. They all look concerned.] [cheers and applause]

Tina: I mean, who would have thought that Tracy’s disgusting fantasies and his love exotic marine life would combine in such a tragic way.

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, we all did, Lemon. That’s why we have an insurance policy that covers his penis being eaten by an arowana.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski]

Jane: I hope Tracy pulls through this. He told me he was gonna get me backstage at the Grammy’s to meet Skrillex and Psy. [looking at the camera] Remember, this is 2012.

[Cut to Jack McBrayer.]

Jack: Oh! Mr. Jordan has got to get better. Who’s gonna teach me to drink Hennessy until I throw up on the Knicks. Who’s gonna remind me to expose myself to dogs to show them who is the alpha?

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, okay, that’s to think about the loss. It’s only when someone or something is taken away from you that you realize how much you really missed it. And even things that seem silly and ridiculous at the time can leave a profound sense of loss when they’re gone. As my friend Kwotonomous Barlin once said–

[Tracy walks in]

Tracy: Boring!

Alec: Good god! Tracy!

Tracy: I’m black and better than ever.

[Jack gets in]

Jack: Jordan, you’re alive! Oh, let me smell your sour ears.

[Jane Krakowski gets in]

Jane: Tracy, I’m so happy that you’re alive. And if you receive any kind of insurance settlement because of this, I may also be in love with you.

Tracy: I love you too tiny Butt Jones. And I won’t miss any more shows, Jackie D. I learned my lesson. Animals that are beautiful and very sexual are not here for our amusement. And I promise you, I’ll never do stupid stuff again.

[Cut to Alec and Jack]

Alec: Well, thank you Tracy. But I gotta be honest, I was so worried that you weren’t going to make it. But you may find a cake that says, “Welcome, Cedric the Entertainer” in your dressing room.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: And I just wanna say one last thing Tracy, from the heart, and this part is no joke. We’re so happy that you’re okay. We’re even happier that you’re ready to make people laugh again. Are those SMASH people under me? [SMASH show ad is under her] [Cut to Tracy Morgan at the SNL monologue stage]

Tracy Morgan: As you can see, everything is going to be just fine. I got my family here, my cast, my crew and I’ve got my obi-one-knobi Lorne Michaels. So, let’s be funny. Everybody get up here, y’all!

[Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer walk in]

We’ve got a great show for you. Demi Lovato is here. So stick around, we will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.] [Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Tango

Karen… Sasheer Zamata

David… Taran Killam

Tracy Morgan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Karen and David in the bar booth]

Karen: It’s not a big deal. Just let it go.

[David is having a beer]

David: Uh-uh. I’m just gonna talk to him man to man.

[David starts walking]

Karen: Promise me you won’t lose your temper.

[Karen reaches to Morgan and Jay]

Karen: Excuse me. Excuse me!

[Morgan turns around]

Morgan: Yeah, wad up?

Karen: My girlfriend says you made some inappropriate comments when she walked by? We have a problem?

[Jay talks to Morgan]

Jay: Yo! I know you’re not gonna let a man talk to you like this.

Morgan: Nah! There ain’t no problem. Lovely dove is looking good. Just thought I let her know.

Karen: Let’s just go.

David: Yeah, the thing is she doesn’t need you to let her know anything.

Morgan: Who do you think you talking to?

David: I’m pretty sure I’m talking to you.

Morgan: You wanna tangle with something?

David: Let’s dance right now, bro.

Karen: David!No!

Morgan: Then it’s a good thing I got on my dancing shoes boy! Your lead.

David: After you buddy.

Morgan: [raising his arms] Grab my waist

David: What? Grab your waist?

Morgan: Your lead, fool.

[Karen pulls David away]

Karen: I don’t think he wants to fight. I think he actually wants to dance.

Morgan: You’re damn right I do.

David: No. It’s just a euphemism, Karen.

Karen: No, but look at his shoes.

[Cut to Morgan’s shoes. He is wearing ballet dancing shoes.] [David walks to Morgan again]

David: Alright, look. Can we just say what we really mean for a second?

Morgan: Now you wanna talk? What happened to all that dancing you promised though?

Karen: This is just a big misunderstanding.

Morgan: If you don’t want to try on me man, then just be a man and say it. You don’t wanna take me bro? You don’t wanna put a rose in my mouth?

David: No! No, I don’t wanna do any of those things. Look, you don’t– I don’t even know how to tango.

Morgan: You wanna learn?

David: No.

Morgan: Why? You scared?

David: What? No!

Morgan: [yelling] Then put your hands on my waist!

David: I thought you wanted to fight.

Morgan: In these shoes?

David: Forget I said anything. Karen, let’s get our of here.

[Karen and David walk away]

Morgan: Oh, I see what’s going on here now. You see the baggy clothes, the hooded sweatshirt, and all you think is I’m some type of thug.

Karen: We didn’t mean that.

Morgan: You sound just like my pops. All I ever wanted to do was dance, lady! I come in by every night. I lean on this jukebox every night hoping that someday someone wants to share the magical rhythm with me. Not with these. [showing his fists]  But with these. [showing his ballet dancing shoes]

Jay: Hilarious!

Karen: It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Sir, I’ll dance with you.

Morgan: No. It’s gotta be him. [pointing at David] I can’t lead. I don’t know how. And you can’t give me.

Karen: David?

[Morgan looks very sad. David feels for him.]

David: Alright. I’ll tango with you.

Morgan: [smiling] Word?

David: [laughing] Yes, word.

[Jay plays a music for tango] [David and Morgan are ready to dance]

Morgan: alright, grab my waist.

[David grabs Morgan’s waist]

Ou! Not that hard.

[David and Morgan start dancing] [The End]

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward] [Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.] [right answer bell] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.] [wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen] [wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen] [wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.] [Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen] [wrong buzzer] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams] [yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen] [right answer bell] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Brian Fellows

Brian Fellow… Tracy Morgan

Patrick McGrath … Pete Davidson

Jenny Shamberg… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET intro]

Intro song: [singing] He loves animals and they love him back
inter-species friends, we ain’t kidding that
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET

Male voice: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a six grade education and an abiding love for all god’s creatures. Share his love tonight on…

Intro song:

Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safar Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. [cheers and applause] We have two very special animal guests for you tonight. Both are hairy and have teeth. Please welcome my first guest beaver.

[two men bring in a beaver in a cage. One of the sit beside Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, I’m Patrick McGrath and I work with North American mammals at the Bronx zoo.

[Cut to Brian Fellow looking speechless]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow. Someone summon that beaver, he seems snotty.

[Cut to the beaver and Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Oh, well, Hobiar here is far from snotty. Um, he is a hard working little robot. An adult beaver like Hobiar can chew through 400 pounds of timber in a single day.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: So, what does he do with all the wood he steals?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers make lodges. The world’s largest beaver lodge in Alberta, Canada is 850 yards long and can be seen from space.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: I know, right? And beavers are definitely the builders of the animal world.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Yes, I know.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: So, approximately, or average roughly, how many cigarettes does this beaver smoke in a day?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Um, zero.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: My father was a builder. He smoked four packs a day. All his snotty builder friends smoked too. Marlboro lights.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers don’t smoke Mr. Fellow. No animals smoke.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s a lie. I saw a monkey smoking a cigar on a funny video show. You’re a liar, skinny man. Stop telling lies on my show. Get out of here.

[Cut to Brian Fellow and Patrick McGarth. Patrick McGarth leaves with his beaver.]

I’m sorry about that. My show is about animals, not lies and slotty-ness. But I know my next guest doesn’t believe in that stuff either. He lives in a dessert and loves water. Please welcome, a camel.

[Jenny Shamberg brings in a camel and sits beside Brian Fellow]

Who are you?

Jenny Shamberg: I am Jenny Shamberg of the American Research Center, and a professor of veterinary science at Rutger’s University, as well as a co-president of the Burgan County Chapter of ASPCA.

Brian Fellow: Are you done?

Jenny Shamberg: Yes, I am.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg and the camel]

Jenny Shamberg: And this is Elizabeth. Okay, she is fourteen years old and she came to us from Morocco.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy. Now, most people hate camels. Why do you think that is?

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]

Jenny Shamberg: Well, I don’t think that’s true actually.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s not an answer, Larry.

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]

Jenny Shamberg: Okay, actually, that is an answer. I disagree with the premise of your question. I think people have a very positive view of camels because they’re dessert animals who…

[Cut to Brian Fellow. A beaver smoking cigarette appears in his mind and starts speaking to him.]

Beaver: You gotta make sure that this is supported by beaver boy. Or the whole thing is going to collapse. You listening to me, Brian?

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg speaking but inaudible. Patrick McGarth appears in Jenny Shamberg’s thoughts]

Patrick McGarth: Hey, I don’t know if you remember me but we were together in the green room at that animal show hosted by that crazy guy. I was too shy to come over and say hello but I remember thinking, “Damn, that’s girl’s fine.”
[Cut to the camel. It is thinking about a monkey smoking a cigar.] [Cut to Brian Fellow thinking about the smoking beaver]

Beaver: You are useless. Spending all damn day reading those wildlife magazine. How come you never got a girlfriend, Brian?

[Cut to Brian Fellow and Jenny Shamberg. Brian Fellow is saying something to the beaver.]

Jenny Shamberg: Wow, I’m sorry, did you just call me daddy?

Brian Fellow: No. I’m Brian Fellow. That camel’s navigate. What’s his name?

Jenny Shamberg: This is Elizabeth.

[Brian Fellow stands up]

Brian Fellow: We out of here, Elizabeth.

[Brian Fellow gets the camel’s lease]

Turn me next week when our guests will be a squirrel and a chicken.

[camel walks in front of Brian Fellow]

I can’t see, camel! I am Brian Fellow.

[The End]

Astronaut Jones

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Jones… Tracy Morgan

Marcina… Tina Fey

[Starts with Cecily briefing an incident to her staff]

Cecily: Here’s what we know so far. At around 4:30 am yesterday our satellites detected a storm approaching the area’s three mission site on mars. The storm escalated to severe and we had no choice but to abort the mission. But during the evacuation, one of our men was lost. We’ll give you more information as we get it.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Captain, you need to see something.

[Cut to Kate on a computer. Taran and Cecily walk in.]

Show her.

Kate: This is the Satellite feed of Mars right now.

Taran: Look at those robo tracks. Someone has been moving around up there.

Cecily: What are you saying?

Taran: It’s him.

Cecily: That’s impossible.

Taran: He’s still alive up there.

Cecily: He died in the storm.

[alert bell ringing]

Kate: Oh, my god. We just received an incoming video message from Mars.

Cecily: This can’t be happening.

Taran: Play it. Play the message.

[Cut to the video message. It’s an astronaut without his space helmet in outer space]

Jones: Hello, it’s me astronaut Jones.

[music start playing] [Astronaut Jones intro starts] [singing] I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase
and look out moon
yeah, on rocket
into outer space
goodbye human race
I’ll be there soon
pass out for an adventure
yes, I said adventure
collecting stones
yeah, it’s my way
on the space highway
that’s why they all say
there goes astronaut Jones

Male voice: Hey! It’s Astronaut Jones in the Martian.

[Cut to Jones]

Jones: This is astronaut Jones. My crew left without me. I’m alone on the planet Mars. Oh, wait! I hear somebody.

[Marcina walks in in a pink glossy dress]

Marcina: Space man, my name is Marcina. Proud ruler of the Martian people.

Jones: Yeah, right.

Marcina: We understand [Jones is mumbling things that sound like what Marcina is saying] that you’ve been abandoned here and require subsistence  just arrived for 400 souls. Until you can be returned to your home, we are willing to help you. Give you food and water. In return, help us make contact with the earthlings and understand their strange way. What do you say, space man?

Jones: I say you take that butt out of the space suit and let me see it clap.

[Cut to Astronaut Jones video bumper]

I’m taking a rocket
I’m packing my suitcase

Male voice: Astronaut Jones, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb production.

Eddie Murphy Monologue

Eddie Murphy

Tracy Morgan

Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[band playing music] [Eddie Murphy walks to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Audience: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s great to be back here, finally hosting “Saturday Night Live” for Christmas. [cheers and applause] This is the last episode of 2019, if you’re black, it is the first episode since I left back in 1984. It has been really long time. Here’s actually a picture of me back when I started.

[Cut to old picture of Eddie Murphy] [Cut to Eddie Murphy on stage]

Wow, I look at least five years younger there. You know what they say, money don’t crack. But so much has changed. I just had a new baby incidentally about a year ago. [cheers and applause] I actually have 10 kids now. 11, if you count Kevin Hart. I’m teasing. I love Kevin Hart so much but my kids are my whole life now. And if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring stay at home, you know, father of 10 house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, I would have took that bet. “Who is America’s dad now?” I also have a movie on Netflix called “Dolomite Is My Name.” And we just finished a sequel to “Coming to America” as well. And if you’re wondering why I’ve been working so hard lately, it’s because 10 kids are very expensive.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Yo!

Eddie Murphy: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.

Tracy Morgan: Welcome home.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah! Its good to be here.

Tracy Morgan: You knew I wasn’t gonna miss this show for all the tea in Arizona. Did you get the sketch I wrote for you?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah. The Jimmy Walker story.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s called Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I don’t know if we’re going to do that, Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Tracy Morgan: Well, whatever you need, I got your back. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. Like, literally, I was conceived on the “Delirious” tour bus.

Eddie Murphy: You know, that math doesn’t really add up.

[Chris Rock walks in]

Chris Rock: He, hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock, what are you doing here?

Chris Rock: Common man, I would not miss this show for the world. My kids love Lizzo.

[audience laughing]

Eddie Murphy: Hey! My kids love Lizzo too.

Chris Rock: Okay but, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah, that “Law and Order” UTI sketch?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Instead of ice tea, it’s cranberry juice.

Eddie Murphy: That sounds kind of nasty for a Christmas show.

[Dave Chapelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, hey.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Dave Chapelle! Dave Chappelle’s ladies and gentlemen. What a moment. What a moment we’re having.

Dave Chappelle: Well, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah!

Dave Chappelle: It’s the one where TI has the drive through gynecology clinic.

Eddie Murphy: I don’t get it.

Dave Chappelle: It’s stupid. He just says stuff like, “I will check your Hammond expeditiously.” You know, I followed your blue print for my entire career.

Eddie Murphy: Did you?

Dave Chappelle: Yeah, yeah. Became the biggest staron television. And then I quit.

Eddie Murphy: Oh, all right. [4 takes a cigarette out and lights it] Hey, I did not know you could smoke on stage.

Dave Chappelle: You can’t.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! See, this is why I came back to “Saturday Night Live,” for moments like this. When was the last time we was all together like this?

Chris Rock: Last Thursday at Sinbad’s house.

Dave Chappelle: Right, man. Oh, you’re looking at half of Netflix’s budget right here.

Chris Rock: Thanks, Netflix.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Netflix.

Tracy Morgan: Not me, not me. I made all my money on the road.

Eddie Murphy: You mean touring?

Tracy Morgan: No, I got hit by a truck.

Eddie Murphy: Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re all here to support me. And I appreciate it.

Dave Chappelle: That’s the least we can do, man.

Chris Rock: That’s right. I remember when I got hired, Lorne told me, “You’re gonna be the next Eddie Murphy.” And then a year later, he said, “No, you’re not.”

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: You said it, Chris Rock. And just to piggy back–

[Kenan Thompson walks in and pushes Beck Bennett away]

Kenan Thompson: No, we’re good on that.

[cheers nd applause]Sorry about that fellas. Please continue.

Chris Rock: Who the hell was that?

Tracy Morgan: Joe Piscopo.

Eddie Murphy: Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Lizzo is here.

[cheers and applause]

I’m back. Don’t turn the channel. We’ll be right back.

Will Ferrell’s Ryan Reynolds Monologue

Will Farrell

Ryan Reynolds

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell.

[cheers and applause] [band playing music] [Will Farrell walks in the door and to the stage]

Will Farrell: Thank you, thank you very much. It is so nice to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live.” New York city in the house. Get your hands up. Get your hands up. Is this a thing that people still do? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Like I was saying, it is so great to be back here in studio8-H. I was a cast member for seven years. I cherished every moment that I was here. Really some of the best times that I—I’m sorry. One second. Excuse me. But you look like Ryan Reynolds.

[Cut Ryan Reynolds sitting between the audience.] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. I get that a lot.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Is it you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Welcome to the show.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Thank you. I’m a big fan.

Will Farrell: Big fan of me?

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Fine. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Yeah. Okay. So, where were we? I – I can’t believe you’re here. God, Ryan Reynolds is here.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Ryan Reynolds waving] [Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Cool, cool. Okay. Sorry, you good?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, I’m good. I’m just here to enjoy the show.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Yes, of course. Anyway, always great to be hack in the new blork. New York. New York. Speaking English much? Got milk? Is it really you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And you came to the show because—

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: To see you. Like I said, we’re big fans.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: We’re? Like we? Who’s we?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: My wife and I.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: You mean Blake Lively?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she’s watching, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. She’s at home, but yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she likes me, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Probably more than me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: [laughing] Okay. That’s not too shabby. Great. Fun. TSA pre check what? Sorry. What am I saying? Okay. So, anyway, I was saying New York city in the house. I have never gotten that phrase, “In the house.” Like, all of New York city could, you know, fit into one house. Imagine the line for the bathroom.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will? You’ve got to stop looking at me, okay?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, am I? Am I? Is it too much?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, it’s—It’s a little much. Yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Backstreet’s back all right. What? Why would I say that? Why? Why would I say that in front of Ryan Reynolds. You would never mess up like that, would you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Can you just pretend I’m not here?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No way. It’s too late. I’m locked in. It’s like the rest of the audience has disappeared.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will, just do the monologue.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No, the monologue is terrible. But you know what’s not terrible? Ryan Reynolds. Yeah! Ryan Reynolds. He took ‘Deadpool” from scrap heap and turned it into box office gold.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Are you impersonating Tracy Morgan?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Whenever I get nervous, I go into Tracy Morgan. In fact, I delivered my wedding vows in his voice. I was so nervous. It was a big day.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do that.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Will Farrell can do whatever he wants.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: I just wanted to enjoy the show. Please stop addressing me.

[Cut to Will Farrell. Tracy Morgan walks in.]

Tracy Morgan: Ryan Reynolds, you listen to me. The prophecy must be fulfilled. This is Will Ferrell. Ferrell. He can do what he wants to do. I suckled from his comedy bosom. And like a young Luke Skywalker, he filled me with strength. The rest is as they say, “It’s puppy dogs and gum drops.”

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: What’s happening?

[Cut to Will Farrell and Tracy Morgan]

Will Farrell: The prophecy! Oh, my goodness, thank you, Tracy! I feel so much better.

Tracy Morgan: Anything for you, Farrell. If you talk like me again, I’m going to bust your ass.

Will Farrell: As you should. Yes, yes! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. King Princess is here. So, don’t go away.

Both: Backstreet’s back all right!