Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb] [Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere] [Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere] [Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song] [Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.] [The End]

The Jay Z Story

Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata

Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis

Nas… J.K. Simmons

[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]

Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]

Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]

Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?

Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.

Jay Pharoah: And do what?

Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.

Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.

Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.

Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.

Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]

Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]

Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.

Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.

[Beyonce walks in the office]

Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.

[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.] [Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.] [Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]

Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.

[Cut to Beyonce]

Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.

[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]

Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.

[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.] [Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]

Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.

[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]

Kanye West: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]

Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?

Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.

Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!

Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–

Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.

Kanye West: Thanks.

Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.

Kanye West: Okay, see you there.

[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]

Nas: Not so fast, you turd.

Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?

Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.

Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?

Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.

Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.

[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]

Time out! Time out! This is silly!

Nas: This is silly.

Jay Z: Buds?

Nas: Buds.

Jay Z: See you now.

Nas: Bye Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]

Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.

Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…

[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever

Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.

[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]

Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.

Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.

MTV’s Jingle Ballerz A Hip Hop Nativity

Katyler Smyth… Pete Davidson

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Eminem… Taran Killam

Riff Raff… James Franco

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Beyoncé… Nicki Minaj

Kanye West… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with MTV’s Jingle Ballerz video bumper.] [Cut to Katyler Smyth in his set]

Katyler Smyth: Welcome back to Jingle Ballerz, MTV’s biggest holiday party of the year. Once again, I’m your host Katyler Smyth from MTV’s upcoming game show, Drunk or High? I know we’ve had a lot of fun tonight jingling them balls, I mean bells, ha-ha-ha. But its time for us to take a moment and remember the reason for the season. For the first time ever, we present MTV’s Hip Hop Nativity. Please, put your hands together for Rihanna.

[Cut to Rihanna. She has wings on her back.] [music playing]

Rihanna: I bring you tidings of great joy

Shine bright like a bright star
Jesus lay in the hay
beautiful like the star
three wise men on their way-ay-ay-ay

Ladies and gentlemen, show some love for three wise men, Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross.

[Cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross walking in]

Eminem: [rapping] I had the sense to bring the king Frank
and since in keeper was too intense
said he had no room to rent
so I cut his throat!

Riff Raff: None stop through desert,
bring god some more.
I try to smokie
it didn’t work

Rick Ross: Bringing in gold
making it rain
but most of all
I bring in champagne

Rick Ross!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: The three wise men gave their gifts to Baby J. But there wouldn’t be a Baby J without Joseph and his Queen B married. The original team mom, who don’t need no sex to make a child. Ladies and gentlemen, [Cut to everybody. Justin Bieber and Beyonce are also there.] give it up for Justin Bieber and the Virgin Mary, Beyonce.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Justin Bieber and Beyonce]

Justin Bieber: Yo! I’m sorry I had to give birth out here, where all the animals live. I couldn’t afford a hotel room because I’m like, a poor carpenter’s son. I don’t know. You deserve better than this Beyonce.

[Beyonce walks font.]

Beyonce: No, no, no. This moment is not about me. Let everybody have their moment. This moment is about my baby boy. Behold.

[singing] He woke up like this!

Flawless. One day he’ll turn water into wine, and we’ll all be…

[singing] drunk in love.

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: Glory to god and the highest who will…

[singing] rain on it forever. 

Isn’t that right, Jesus?

[cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross] [music playing]

Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Cut to everybody]

Kanye West: [rapping] It’s your boy, Yeez-us
and I’m baby Jesus
and I am a god
and my dad is a god
and I am my dad, isn’t that rare
just coz it’s complicated
that doesn’t mean that is bad
Ya! They call me a freak
coz I wrap the weak
scream my name [mumbling] when I speak
hah!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: And that’s exactly how it happened. And 300 years later, he still–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [singing] Shines bright like a bright star