Tag: Hot

Too Hot to Handle

Dom… Devon Walker

Izzy… Ego Nwodim

Glen… Chloe Fineman

Rodney… Travis Kelce

Female voice: Welcome back to too hot to handle, where the actions are all the place, but the premise is simple. Abstain from physical intimacy and you’ll win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this?

Lana: Good evening, everyone.

No: Hi, Lana.

Lana: I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago.

Dom: And we’ve been so good, Lana. Me and Izzy haven’t even done nothing.

Izzy: Even though Dom is proper fit, yeah.

Sarah: We haven’t even done hand stuff, and I always do hand stuff.

Bowen: But it’s all gonna be worth it to win this 200 grand.

Lana: Unfortunately, that won’t be happening. Last night there was a rule break costing the villa $3,000.

All: No.

James: [pointing at Dom and Izzy] It was them two, wasn’t it?

Lana: Actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Oh, sorry guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney. But then I wanted to. So I did. Guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Izzy: Wait, Rodney. You hooked up with Glenn?

Rodney: I know. We lost the prize money.

James: Yeah, that’s not why we’re shocked.

Izzy: You could have smoked anyone and you went with Glenn.

Rodney: It’s not my fault. There’s something about her. [Glen farts] Listen to her voice.

Glen: Sorry, I had to sneeze.

Lana: There was another rule break last night costing the group $20,000.

All: No.

Lana: It was heavy petting in the grill area between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Sorry.

Rodney: I’m sorry. I’ve just never met anyone like Glen. She’s so unpredictable.

Glen: Rodney made ribs and I let him use my body as a napkin. It doesn’t matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyway.

Izzy: Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers but like why is Glenn even here?

Glen: Cuz I’m a horned up single like you guys. I had sex eight times, but who’s counting? Me. I always count, except calories. You are what you eat, so I guess I’m Rodney’s ass.

Rodney: I hope you guys aren’t jealous.

Bowen: No, I’m actually numb from the waist down.

Dom: Glen is so weird and old.

Glen: Actually I’m 28 and I’ve just been through hell.

Lana: Another rule break is happening now.

[Glen is kissing Rodney’s hand]

James: What are they even doing?

Sarah: She’s kissing his arm like she’s gnawing on corn.

Izzy: Is this even a rule break?

Lana: Technically no, but it makes me feel insane. so I’m draining the prize fund. Someone unplug me.

Glen: I guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?