Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.] [Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves] [Cut to D’Angelo] [Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing] [Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss] [Ends with an outro]

The Arguing Couple

Chris Rock

Uber driver… Bobby Moynihan

Nicole… Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Chris walking in his hall where the TV is playing]

Chris: Be there in a minute. Man, she left the TV on and she ain’t even here. Scandal, hmph! The scandal is how hot this election’s going to be. Alright.

[Door bell ringing]

Be right there.

[Chris opens the door. Uber driver walks in.]

Uber driver: You called Uber car? I’ve been here like Chris0 minutes.

Chris: Nicole! Cab’s here. Come on! We’re going to miss the show.

[Cut to Nicole walking in in her robe]

Nicole: I just got out the shower.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Wpeaker Chris: Who calls Uber and then gets in the shower?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: If I take a shower too soon, then I get dirty again before its time for us to leave.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Chris: What are you? A bat catcher for the Yankees? Why are you attracting so much dirt? Are you a human swiffer?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Don’t embarrass me in front of a stranger. [raising her voice] Don’t embarrass me in front of strangers.

[Cut to everybody.] [Nicole talking to Uber driver]

We’ll be out in a minute, okay sir?

Uber driver: Okay, can I use your bathroom?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Hell, no. All this ebola going around. I don’t know you?

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver. Uber driver walks out and shuts the door.]

Chris: Hey! Why do you want to pay extra for Uber? If we need an umemployed weirdo to drive us around, I’d just call your cousin James.

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Because Uber is the new thing. But you wouldn’t know about that because you ain’t got no new stuff. All you got is them CDs.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: When the government shuts down the cloud, I’mma have Luther.

[Cut to Nicole walks away, and in a while she walks back.]

Nicole: I just got accepted I’m a young thing. [Cut to Chris and Nicole] I’m a young sweet thing with a old fashioned husband.

Chris: You ain’t got accepted for nothing. And if you need to get to step it, you need to get to step it. That’s what I’m saying.

Nicole: I’mma get to step it with every penny in this house coming with me.

Chris: Hey, this house is in my name woman. And you’re just an extended guest. You understand? Common law.

Nicole: I will burn it down before I let you have it.

Chris: I’ll give you a match if you think you got it in you.

Nicole: Oh, I dream about it. I will liso-lefta-lopez this bitch to the ground. Did you order the tickets online?

Chris: I’m not giving out my credit card number online to somebody in India so they can steal my identity.

Nicole: Nobody in India wants to be a cheap lazy bastard who snores all night.

[Nicole walks away] [Cut to Chris]

Chris: Oh, now I’m cheap! What do you do with your money? All you buy is shoes and weaves. I bet if you could show them tickets to your hair you’re buying. You like this tie?

Nicole: Not the blue tie.

[Chris pulls his tie tight]

Ay! Stop acting like you’re killing yourself. Don’t take that pleasure from me.

[Chris takes off the blue tie and picks up a red one]

Chris: Stop telling me what to do, woman. You’re not my mother.

[Cut to Nicole walking in with her dress on.]

Nicole: You damn right I’m not. What did that woman do to you?

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: What did she do to me? I’ll tell you what she did to me. She cooked, she cleaned, the only thing she ever did wrong was lie to me and tell me I’d find a woman of my dreams.

Nicole: You know how I found you? I was looking for a lump in my breasts, and there you was.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop it. [Cut to Sasheer] What’s wrong with you? All you do is argue. You hate each other. Break up for god sake. Just get a divorce.

[Sasheer walks out] [Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: She ain’t never gonna get a man with an attitude like that.

Nicole: I keep trying to talk to her but she just tones me out.

Chris: Well, let’s not let her ruin our anniversary.

Nicole: Happy anniversary, baby.

[Chris and Nicole kiss and hug] [Chris grabs his jacket and opens the door]

Nicole: Let me go out first.

[Chris makes way for Nicole]