Ashley… Heidi Gardner
Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day
Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim
Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt
Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock
Doctor… Pete Davidson
Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett
Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]
Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.[Cut to Ashley in her set]
Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?
Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.
Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.
Dylan: I’m sorry.
Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.
Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.
Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.
Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.
Dylan: Oh my god, is right.
Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.
Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?
Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.
Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]
Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.
Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.
Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.
Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Kevin Joseph: Thank you.[Cut back to Dylan]
Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.
Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.
Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–
Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”
Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?
Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.
Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.
Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.
Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]
Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.
Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.
Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.
Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.
Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.
Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.
Kevin Joseph: Thank you.[Cut back to Dylan]
Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?
Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?
Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.
Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.
Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.
Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.