Tag: Kim Kardashian

The Peoples Kourt

Kourtney Kardashian… Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian… Heidi Gardner

Khloe Kardashian

Kris Jenner

Kylie Jenner… Melissa Villaseñor

Kendall Jenner… Halsey

Travis Barker… Mikey Day

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

Megan Fox… Chloe Fineman

O.J. Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hulu intro]

Female voice: Hulu, it’s that thing you steal.

[Cut to clips of The Kardashians show]

Male voice: For 20 years, you’ve watched the Kardashian family bicker and squabble over everything.

Kourtney: I will literally [bleep] you up.

Male voice: Now, a new show that’s also that, but with a little more structure. It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’. Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.

[Cut to Kourtney at the judge seat]

Kourtney: Order, order. Order in the Kourtney. I’m good at this.

Male voice: Watch as she puts her judginess to good use and tackles the most serious family issues.

[Kim and Khloe Kardashian are in the court. Kim is in her MET Gala outfit covering up her face.]

Khloe: Kim stole my make up artist.

Kim: Oh my god! I needed him today.

Khloe: You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No one can even see your face. Aw! You’re such a diva slore.

Kim: You’re just jealous.

Khloe: Hm, fine. But the next time you need to use the restroom, I’m not helping you ou krrr.

Kim: Wait. For real?

Khloe: For real.

Male voice: She doesn’t hold punches. She doesn’t play favors. And mostly, she just doesn’t care. Even with her own mom.

Kourtney: Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?

Kris: I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing PR plan and she’s costing us money.

Kylie: I can’t grow it faster, mom.

Kris: Yes, you can. Take it from me. I had Khloe. I made her in four months. So, do you Kegel exercises and use your vagin.

Kylie: Mom, I am.

Kourtney: Whatever. And mom, why are you suing Kendall?

Kris: Well, I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.

Kendall: I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.

Kris: And that’s something you need to work on, honey.

Kourtney: Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!

Kendall: Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?

Kourtney: I don’t care. You pick.

Male voice: There’s time for more than legal drama because even a judge has to let her hair down. With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.

[Kourtney is sitting on Travis’s laps.]

Kourtney: Travis, baby. I have to do my show.

Travis: I can’t help it, your honor.

Kourtney: Oh my god, did you just call me your honor?

Travis: Yeah.

Kourtney: Babe…

Travis: Baby…

Kourtney: Babe, you’re so epic.

Travis: Oh, you’re so punk.

Kourtney: Will you drum all the small things on my ass when we get home?

Travis: Hands or sticks?

Kourtney: Both, baby.

Travis: Baby…

Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before. Lives will be changed. Shade will be thrown.

Kourtney: Okay, Kim, Kanye, what’s the problem?

Kanye: Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because people always coming after me about when I tweet, but actually she haaacked me.

Kourtney: What?

Kanye: I said Kim haaacked me.

Kourtney: Are you saying hacked?

Kanye: Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this even sound like me? [talking about the tweet] “Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.

Kim: That was you, Kanye. That’s your favorite play.

Kanye: Okay, fine. I do love that musical. But what about this one? “What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery? ? Ugh.” That can’t be me fam.

Kim: No. It was you. That’s your favorite rug.

Kanye: Okay, fine. It’s beautiful. What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your pants.” Actually, that was me. Case dismissed.

Kourtney: This is so boring. Bring me my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox walk in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey, what’s up?

Megan Fox: Wait, why are we best friends?

Kourtney: Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.

Megan Fox: Oh right, I love him.

Machine Gun Kelly: Ha, I love you too.

Megan Fox: I wrote you an Instagram caption, babe.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh, that’s fire. Alright.

Megan Fox: Achingly beautiful boy.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Toxic.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Viral.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Twin flame. Rehab barbie.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh. I wish I could vape you.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox start licking each other’s tongues.]

Kanye: A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.

Male voice: On “The People’s Kourt”, you never know who’s gonna stop by.

Kourtney: Okay, finally the last case on the docket.

O.J. Simpson: Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson. You know. The Juice. Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll don’t invite me to anything anymore. Where is everybody going?

Male voice: “The People’s Kourt” on Hulu. All judgements are legally binding. Oh, I don’t know about that.

The Dream Guy

Rochelle… Kim Kardashian

Host… Alex Moffat

Chace Crawford

Tyler Cameron

Blake Griffin

Chris Rock

Amy Schumer

Jesse Williams

John Cena

Zeke… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: One mansion full of cool single guys and one eligible lady hoping to find her very own, the dream guy.

[Cut to Rochelle and Host at the show stage]

Host: Welcome back. Rochelle, you’ve had a week full of exciting dates with the guys. But now, it’s time to make a decision. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Wow. In front of me are some of the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life. I mean, you are all so amazing. [cheers and applause] When I look at you all here, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband is in this room. In fact, I wish I can marry each and every one of you, but that would be way too many husbands. When I call your name, please step forward and accept your token. First up, Chase C.

[Chace Crawford walks forward] [cheers and applause]

Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart track with you. Thank you for telling me all about your gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.

Chace Crawford: My pleasure, Rochelle.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token of my love?

Chace Crawford: Sure, thank you. I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI. Okay, bye.

[Chace Crawford walks out]

Rochelle: Next up, Tyler C.

[Tyler Cameron walks forward]

Tyler, thank you so much for showing me your perfectly hot body. That was really vulnerable of you. Do you accept this token?

Tyler Cameron: I do, Rochelle. Thank you. I’ll see you on the hot tub.

[Tyler Cameron walks out]

Rochelle: Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets, Blake G.

[Blake Griffin walks forward]

Blake G., I’m gonna be honest, your behavior at the luau barbecue was inexcusable.

Blake Griffin: Yep, you’re right. It was.

Rochelle: But you’re also a six time NBA All Star and that intrigues me. Do you accept this token?

Blake Griffin: Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle. And you know what? I’ll work on that.

Rochelle: Thank you.

Blake Griffin: Thank you.

[Blake Griffin walks out]

Zeke: [shouting] Way go, Blake! Way go, Blake!

Rochelle: Next up, Chris R.

[Chris Rock walks forward]

Chris R., thank you for making me watch your nine HBO specials and the new one on Netflix while you sat next to me and you mouthed all of the words. I had a blast.

Chris Rock: We can watch Chappelle next time.

Rochelle: Thanks. Do you accept this token?

Chris Rock: You know I do.

[Chris Rock walks out]

Rochelle: Okay, this might be against the rules, but I’ve really connected with one of the producers on the show. Amy S.

[Amy Schumer walks forward]

Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a woman before, I just feel like there’s something that–

Amy Schumer: [taking her fingers to Rochelle’s mouth] No, shh. Shh. I feel the same.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token?

Amy Schumer: With both of my holes.

[Amy Schumer walks out]

Rochelle: Okay guys, this is where it gets really, really hard. Jesse W.

[Jesse Williams walks forward]

Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single time this entire week, but you literally are the most attractive human I’ve ever seen. So, will you accept this token?

Jesse Williams: Oh, I do. [looks back at the two gentlemen left] You guys are my best friends.

Zeke: You’re the man, Jesse! Yeah!

[Jesse Williams walks out] [Host walks in]

Host: Alright, Rochelle. You have one token remaining. It’s down to record breaking WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Okay, I’m sorry guys. I just need a second.

John Cena: It’s okay.

Zeke: Take your time. Take your time, sweetheart. All good. Take your time.

Rochelle: Okay. Okay. You are both amazing. I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate, mega jacked and very, very rich.

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: And Zeke, although you’re not my normal type physically…

Zeke: Hmm, okay.

Rochelle: I was really attracted to your silly vibe and your sunny demeanor. I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting your original character Sherlock the Cat who was hilarious.

Zeke: Elementary, my dear fur ball.

Rochelle: That being said, I don’t think you asked one single question about me our entire date.

Zeke: You sure?

Rochelle: And then at the pool, you were afraid to go swimming.

Zeke: I wouldn’t say afraid. But yea, scared.

Rochelle: And John C., I don’t love that you have a wife.

John Cena: That’s fair. That’s very fair.

Rochelle: But now, I have to make a decision. Zeke or movie star and 16 time WWE champion John Cena. I’m just gonna follow my heart. John Cena.

Zeke: Wait, what?

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: John C., I’m really gonna need you to figure out your wife situation. But first, do you accept this token?

Zeke: [yelling] This is crap!

John Cena: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you. I really thought it was gonna be Zeke.

Host: Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive tonight’s token. Say your goodbyes and walk into the pit.

Zeke: Wow. Um, this one hurts. I’ll definitely miss being in the house with the guys… and Amy Schumer. And Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart. But you really F’ed up today. So long.

Host: Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.

[Zeke opens the door. It’s a real pit. He jumps into it and burns.]

Host: Well, Zeke lost fair and square and paid for it with his life. We’ll be right back with more “The Dream Guy”.

Skims Commercial

Kim Kardashian

D’ennis… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Melissa Villaseñor

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Kim Kardashian getting touch up for her commercial shoot]

Kim Kardashian: I’m Kim Kardashian West. I’m a mother, millionaire, law student and billionaire. I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape wear products. Skims is giving comfort and support to millions of women of all shapes and sizes. But we’re just getting started. Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick dogs. The only product on the market that will comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves, no matter how thick that butt.

[D’ennis walks in]

D’ennis: Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at Skims for thick dogs. And this is my dog Dilicious. [There’s a dog that looks crooked] As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick. Home girl got a badonk like her daddy. Making it almost impossible to find clothes for her until now. [someone passes him his dog wearing Skims] Now she looks so good, I can’t believe she’s still with me.

Kim Kardashian: but don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Heidi with her dog wearing Skims]

Heidi: As a dog owner, I was amazed at the wide selection of fashionable looks for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured dogs need a way to show what they’re working with too. Thanks Skims.

[Cut to Sarah with her dog wearing Skims]

Sarah: All the other dogs used to pay no attention to my thick dog. But now with Skims we can’t walk down the street without rockets popping out.

[Cut to Melissa with her dog]

Melissa: My god used to be ashamed of how she looked. But Skims gave her confidence. And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

[Cut to Aristotle wearing weird shirt]

Aristotle: Wait, these are for dogs?

Kim Kardashian: They sure are. And Skims for thick dogs come in all the classic Skims colors.

D’ennis: Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Kim Kardashian: Now, every dog can be a designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

D’ennis: And they only take like, 90 minutes to put on.

Kim Kardashian: And I know what you’re thinking. Did we make holes where the poop comes out?

D’ennis: And the answer is obviously no. That is gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

Kim Kardashian: So, stop wasting all your money in getting cosmetic surgery on your dog and just get Skims.

D’ennis: And turn your good girl into a bad bitch.

Male voice: New Skims for thick ass dogs. Looks so good, you’ll be saying, “Damn! Am I really thinking this about a dog right now?”

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro] [Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin… Pete Davidson

Jasmine… Kim Kardashian

Jourtney… Cecily Strong

Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson

Genie… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.

[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]

Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.

Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.

Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?

Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.

Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?

Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.

Jasmine: Don’t be silly.

Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.

Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.

Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.

Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.

Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.

Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?

Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.

[Aladdin fake laughing] [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]

Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.

Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.

Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?

Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.

Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?

Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?

Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.

Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]

Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.

Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.

Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.

[Genie appears]

Genie: You summoned?

Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.

Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?

Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.

Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.

Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish!

[Aladdin looks at his penis]

Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?

Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.

[Aladdin kisses Jasmine] [looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

Genie: [singing] A whole new world

Costco Meeting

Jalissa… Sarah Sherman

Kyle Mooney

Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant

Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.

Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.

Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?

Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.

[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]

Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.

Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?

Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.

Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?

Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…

All: Hoo-hoo!

Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.

Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?

Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.

Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.

[music playing]

Attention Costco shoppers.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk

Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk

Kim: Humidifiers in bulk

Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall

Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee

Aidy: Big bulky bitches

Bowen: Come to the bomb

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.

Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.

Kyle: Just like the Eagles.

Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.

Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.

Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.

Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.

Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.

Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.

[music playing]

Aidy: Attention Costco diners.

Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry? 

Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar 

Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5 

All: Coz you can get me hotdog

Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.

Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…

Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.

Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.

Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.

Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.

[music playin]

Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.

Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop

Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop

Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch

Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed

Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell

Aidy: Target, suck a toe

All: Every other store found dead in the ditch

[They end the song with a pose] [Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]

Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.

Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.

Bowen: Yeah!

Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?

Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.

Bowen: And I’m 45.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only

Weekend Update Kim Kardashian

Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian… Nicki Minaj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, Kim Kardashian attended a launch party at Art Basel in Miami or the issue of Paper magazine featuring her now famous nude photos. Here to comment on those photos is Kim Kardashian.

[Kim Kardashian slides in]

Kim Kardashian: Hi. Hi you guys, it’s me Kim.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Kim. Now, I have to ask, what was the idea behind these nude photos.

Kim Kardashian: Well Colin, the entire thing was completely misinterpreted. Like, look at this photo. [Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian’s nude photo but the face is of Nicki Minaj.]

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. Yes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: Do you notice anything?

Colin Jost: I definitely notice something, yes.

Kim Kardashian: There’s no background to the photo. [Cut to Kim Kardashian] They forgot to put the backgrounds in so the photos are completely out of context. Here’s the same photo with the proper background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is in a hospital where the doctor is looking at her vagina with a torch.] [Cut to Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: See? It was actually a public service announcement about getting regular check-ups from your gynecologist. Or, this photo with the champagne.

[Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian opening a champagne.]

Now, let’s see it with the right background.

[The picture changes to her teaching in class in front of the classroom board.] [Cut to Kim Kardashian]

See? It was actually a part of a math competition for a high school seniors.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s nice.

Kim Kardashian: And spoiler alert, x equals full frontal.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: I guess learning can be fun.

Kim Kardashian: How about this one?

[Cut to a nude photo of Kim Kardashain from the back.]

Notice how my rear end is all oily.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah, I did notice that as well.

Kim Kardashian: Well, look at the background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is on a beach. There is a bird on her butt.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

See, it’s a warning about the Keystone pipeline.

Colin Jost: Well, you know, you have some real vision, Kim. You know?

Kim Kardashian: And finally, take a look at this one.

[Cut to nude picture of Kim Kardashian from the front.]

Colin Jost: Okay, now what was that supposed to be?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: It was gonna be my Hanukkah card for my Jewish friends.

[Cut to a candle 9 candle holder. But instead of candles, there are pictures of Kim Kardashain from previous photo. And there are lights on her heads.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Kim Kardashian, everyone!

Kim Kardashian: Bye!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.