Weekend Update Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Romantic Summer Getaways

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well with COVID restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. Here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Bonjour Co-Jo. Molto bellissima. Guess who’s got two tickets to bump and thighs Yes.

Colin Jost: All right, man. I’m already regretting this, but let’s hear some of your travel tips.

The guy: You gotta Co-JJ. Now let’s talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, okay? Take your new girl to the old world. The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French riviera to see knees cans. Soon she’ll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don’t just stay in France amigos, as many women have told me you’ve actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Euro rail is your ticket to Euro tail. So many choice stops, maybe try Berlin to rail her in. And before you know it, you’ll be exploring her black forest and she’ll be moaning in your ear “This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Come on, man.

The guy: Oh yeah. Come on, I shall. Now if you don’t want to be an Algo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls Jost. So grab a guidebook and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick bebes. And there’s nothing scarier than a language barrier, a little Duolingo and you’ll be doing Lingus. [foreign language] Mi jamon es muy pequeñito.

Colin Jost: Your ham is tiny?

The guy: Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tap ass or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We’re talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some pussa-tano, don’t forget about her Naples, if you want her to gobble goo.

Colin Jost: Hh my god.

The guy: We made it.

Colin Jost: Some people are like, visibly sick. Why would any woman want to be with you?

The guy: Well, I have to admit Co-Jo, I have driven many lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

Colin Jost: Oh, man.

The guy: In my boat Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Guy had just bought a boat everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update- A Guy Named Brandon on “Let’s Go Brandon”

Michael Che

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The phrase, “Let’s go Brandon”, a right wing euphemism for F Joe Biden has gone viral and can now be found on T shirts and lawn signs across the country. Here to comment on “Let’s go Brandon” phenomenon is a guy named Brandon.

Brandon: Hello. Yes, it’s me. Wow, this has been crazy, Mr. Che. Everyone’s talking about me. Little old Brandon. I just wanna say, CC fam. Thank you for your support. I love my Brand, Stans.

Michael Che: Brandon, maybe you didn’t hear what I just said.

Brandon: At first, I was like, “I don’t understand. Why all the hoopla about me?” I was pretty average guy living with my– Kinda like spider man, but without the superpowers. Right, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: Yeah, sure, sure.

Brandon: Yeah, normal guy. Don’t have tons of friends. Never have. Spent the last 49 bucks on a cameo from the Damn Daniel guys. They’re older now but still really funny. They refuse to say Damn Daniel, but just hearing those guys talk is amazing. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down. And that’s when all over the internet, people started cheering me on saying “Let’s go Brandon”.

Michael Che: Again. Brandon. I hate to tell you this–

Brandon: On the support was just the boost I needed to focus on my true passion. My famous cookie creations.

Michael Che: Cookie creation? What are cookie creations?

Brandon: Well, most cookies are round, right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Brandon: My cookie creations are not round. For instance. Have you ever seen a square cookie, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I have.

Brandon: Didn’t think so. Might be why people are talking about Brandon.

Michael Che: Look. No, wait. I hate to break it to you but “Let’s go Brandon” isn’t about you. It’s cold for F. Joe Biden.

Brandon: No.

Michael Che: Yes.

Brandon: Wouldn’t they just say F Joe Biden?

Michael Che: Right. This is their way of saying that without saying it.

Brandon: But they said Brandon. They said my name.

Michael Che: Yeah, it was kind of like their inside joke.

Brandon: So, I’m a joke? It’s a joke to be Brandon? Like when my uncle tweeted, “Let’s go Brandon”, he wasn’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No, man. He wasn’t.

Brandon: And when those random guys at the football game chanted “Let’s go Brandon”, they weren’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No.

Brandon: Is anyone talking about me?

Michael Che: I don’t think so.

Brandon: So, I’m a loser. I live with my aunt. And every time I pee, it shoots out in different– Like, I can’t get a single stream. It always splits.

Michael Che: Ay. I’m sorry. But maybe we can find a way to pump you up that doesn’t involve word Brandon. Like, what’s your last name?

Brandon: Bad Noodles.

Michael Che: Bad Noodles?

Brandon: It’s Dutch

Michael Che: Well, why don’t we get a “Let’s go Bad Noodles” chant going?

Brandon: Really? Let’s go Bad Noodles. [the audience start chanting] Yes! Everybody!

Michael Che: Brandon Bad Noodles, everybody.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Halloween Dating Tips

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Oh, baby– This is what this is, oh god. Oh baby, do you know what next week is? Hint, it’s my favorite. THat’s right, it’s Halloween. Here with his Halloween tips is Guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Trick or treat, smell my meat, give me somewhere good to skeet. Ha-ha. Thanks for having me, Col-dren Ghost. It is really ‘grave’ to be here.

Colin Jost: Who are you? The Crypt Keeper?

The guy: Ha-ha. Any-hay-ride, here’s how to treat your trick to a scary good all hallows beeve. It’s all about the spooky getaway to set the mood. Take it from Weeknd Update and take a weekend up state. Do some leaf peeps, and the panties will be just like the foliage, dropping. Ha-ha. Or take her wine tasting and you’ll find out why they call them finger legs. Buckle up. Either way, play your cards tight and you’ll be like cinnamon inside her. I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk spooktacular mack-tivities that will lead to love potion 69. If you don’t want to jack your own lantern, here’s how to make sure you don’t end up like the horseman headless. Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche, put in the eff and track down a quality hau-ho. That’s haunted house in laying-man terms. Or take her to as the native amaze mage would say an amaze maise mage.

Colin Jost: Can I leave?

The guy: Not yet, pal. You’ll spend few hours bobbing for apples, just flailing around, teeth first, not getting anywhere. And eventually, she’ll tap you on the head and she’ll say, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself when you leave.”

Colin Jost: Are you still talking about a corn maze?

The guy: And if you’re heading to the pumpkin patch, no need to wait all night. This great pumpkin comes immediately.

Colin Jost: Alright. Can you just wrap it up?

The guy: I mean, I can, but I don’t. What? They slide right off. It’s slender, man. Cool. Now, let’s talk stumes, comma-co, comma-ca. I myself am a masquerade connoiseur.

Colin Jost: Really? That is surprising.

The guy: Ay, who’s got thee thumbs and loves costumes? [pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh my god.

The guy: Col, all that barely there, derrier-bearing scary wear is skimply amazing. And ladies, thank you. Muchas gracias for the generous erect deposit into my banko-spanko. Those memories will blast a lifetime and make my ghost bust.

Colin Jost: Your ghost?

The guy: Ah, it’s basically invisible. What can I say? Busting makes me feel good. And it makes her say, “Wait, already? Your belt’s still buckled.”

Colin Jost: Alright. I think that’s enough.

The guy: Wait, wait. I have one more just the tip for the boys. Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy. If you want to get betwixt the milky ways of a sweetheart, avoid the smarties and nerds and find yourselves some airheads, Colly Rancher. I like an almond joy, nuts on top.

Colin Jost: Were you in like, a horrific accident?

The guy: And soon, you’ll be asking her the quintessential ques, butt her finger?

Colin Jost: Those are the options?

The guy: But fellas, before the party, take her down to the marina and she’ll be saying “witchcraft”? I have a boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat!

The guy: It’s got dry rot.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Dream Guy

Rochelle… Kim Kardashian

Host… Alex Moffat

Chace Crawford

Tyler Cameron

Blake Griffin

Chris Rock

Amy Schumer

Jesse Williams

John Cena

Zeke… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: One mansion full of cool single guys and one eligible lady hoping to find her very own, the dream guy.

[Cut to Rochelle and Host at the show stage]

Host: Welcome back. Rochelle, you’ve had a week full of exciting dates with the guys. But now, it’s time to make a decision. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Wow. In front of me are some of the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life. I mean, you are all so amazing. [cheers and applause] When I look at you all here, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband is in this room. In fact, I wish I can marry each and every one of you, but that would be way too many husbands. When I call your name, please step forward and accept your token. First up, Chase C.

[Chace Crawford walks forward] [cheers and applause]

Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart track with you. Thank you for telling me all about your gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.

Chace Crawford: My pleasure, Rochelle.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token of my love?

Chace Crawford: Sure, thank you. I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI. Okay, bye.

[Chace Crawford walks out]

Rochelle: Next up, Tyler C.

[Tyler Cameron walks forward]

Tyler, thank you so much for showing me your perfectly hot body. That was really vulnerable of you. Do you accept this token?

Tyler Cameron: I do, Rochelle. Thank you. I’ll see you on the hot tub.

[Tyler Cameron walks out]

Rochelle: Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets, Blake G.

[Blake Griffin walks forward]

Blake G., I’m gonna be honest, your behavior at the luau barbecue was inexcusable.

Blake Griffin: Yep, you’re right. It was.

Rochelle: But you’re also a six time NBA All Star and that intrigues me. Do you accept this token?

Blake Griffin: Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle. And you know what? I’ll work on that.

Rochelle: Thank you.

Blake Griffin: Thank you.

[Blake Griffin walks out]

Zeke: [shouting] Way go, Blake! Way go, Blake!

Rochelle: Next up, Chris R.

[Chris Rock walks forward]

Chris R., thank you for making me watch your nine HBO specials and the new one on Netflix while you sat next to me and you mouthed all of the words. I had a blast.

Chris Rock: We can watch Chappelle next time.

Rochelle: Thanks. Do you accept this token?

Chris Rock: You know I do.

[Chris Rock walks out]

Rochelle: Okay, this might be against the rules, but I’ve really connected with one of the producers on the show. Amy S.

[Amy Schumer walks forward]

Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a woman before, I just feel like there’s something that–

Amy Schumer: [taking her fingers to Rochelle’s mouth] No, shh. Shh. I feel the same.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token?

Amy Schumer: With both of my holes.

[Amy Schumer walks out]

Rochelle: Okay guys, this is where it gets really, really hard. Jesse W.

[Jesse Williams walks forward]

Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single time this entire week, but you literally are the most attractive human I’ve ever seen. So, will you accept this token?

Jesse Williams: Oh, I do. [looks back at the two gentlemen left] You guys are my best friends.

Zeke: You’re the man, Jesse! Yeah!

[Jesse Williams walks out] [Host walks in]

Host: Alright, Rochelle. You have one token remaining. It’s down to record breaking WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Okay, I’m sorry guys. I just need a second.

John Cena: It’s okay.

Zeke: Take your time. Take your time, sweetheart. All good. Take your time.

Rochelle: Okay. Okay. You are both amazing. I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate, mega jacked and very, very rich.

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: And Zeke, although you’re not my normal type physically…

Zeke: Hmm, okay.

Rochelle: I was really attracted to your silly vibe and your sunny demeanor. I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting your original character Sherlock the Cat who was hilarious.

Zeke: Elementary, my dear fur ball.

Rochelle: That being said, I don’t think you asked one single question about me our entire date.

Zeke: You sure?

Rochelle: And then at the pool, you were afraid to go swimming.

Zeke: I wouldn’t say afraid. But yea, scared.

Rochelle: And John C., I don’t love that you have a wife.

John Cena: That’s fair. That’s very fair.

Rochelle: But now, I have to make a decision. Zeke or movie star and 16 time WWE champion John Cena. I’m just gonna follow my heart. John Cena.

Zeke: Wait, what?

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: John C., I’m really gonna need you to figure out your wife situation. But first, do you accept this token?

Zeke: [yelling] This is crap!

John Cena: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you. I really thought it was gonna be Zeke.

Host: Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive tonight’s token. Say your goodbyes and walk into the pit.

Zeke: Wow. Um, this one hurts. I’ll definitely miss being in the house with the guys… and Amy Schumer. And Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart. But you really F’ed up today. So long.

Host: Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.

[Zeke opens the door. It’s a real pit. He jumps into it and burns.]

Host: Well, Zeke lost fair and square and paid for it with his life. We’ll be right back with more “The Dream Guy”.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face] [looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!