Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face] [looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!