Just Like You

Taylor… Chloe Fineman

Sandy… Cecily Strong

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed] [Sandy walks in]

Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?

Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.

Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.

Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.

[cut to flashbacks of Sandy when she was young partying and getting drunk] [cut back to present]

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

[cut to Sandy throwing up]

Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes

Sandy: I’m okay.

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.

Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]

Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

[cut back to prsent]

Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]

Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

Sandy: I know, right?

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Name one mistake you made.

Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}

Sandy: I’m sorry.

[cut back to present]

Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass] [Grandma walks in]

Grandma: Everything alright here?

Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.

Grandma: Wow!

Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.

[cut to Sandy at her young age having argument with her mom]

Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.

[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]

Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]

Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!

[cut back to present]

Taylor: I know.

Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.

Taylor: You told grandma?

Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: What are you worried about?

Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.

Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

Sandy: Hey…

Ben: But she always kept it in control.

[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]

Ben: How many pills did you take?

Sandy: Three. What is the problem?

Ben: You blew my roommate.

Sandy: I thought it was you.

[cut back to present]

Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.

Taylor: I know.

Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Taylor: Yes!

[message notification]

Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.

Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.

[cut to message screen]

Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Halloween Dating Tips

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Oh, baby– This is what this is, oh god. Oh baby, do you know what next week is? Hint, it’s my favorite. THat’s right, it’s Halloween. Here with his Halloween tips is Guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Trick or treat, smell my meat, give me somewhere good to skeet. Ha-ha. Thanks for having me, Col-dren Ghost. It is really ‘grave’ to be here.

Colin Jost: Who are you? The Crypt Keeper?

The guy: Ha-ha. Any-hay-ride, here’s how to treat your trick to a scary good all hallows beeve. It’s all about the spooky getaway to set the mood. Take it from Weeknd Update and take a weekend up state. Do some leaf peeps, and the panties will be just like the foliage, dropping. Ha-ha. Or take her wine tasting and you’ll find out why they call them finger legs. Buckle up. Either way, play your cards tight and you’ll be like cinnamon inside her. I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk spooktacular mack-tivities that will lead to love potion 69. If you don’t want to jack your own lantern, here’s how to make sure you don’t end up like the horseman headless. Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche, put in the eff and track down a quality hau-ho. That’s haunted house in laying-man terms. Or take her to as the native amaze mage would say an amaze maise mage.

Colin Jost: Can I leave?

The guy: Not yet, pal. You’ll spend few hours bobbing for apples, just flailing around, teeth first, not getting anywhere. And eventually, she’ll tap you on the head and she’ll say, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself when you leave.”

Colin Jost: Are you still talking about a corn maze?

The guy: And if you’re heading to the pumpkin patch, no need to wait all night. This great pumpkin comes immediately.

Colin Jost: Alright. Can you just wrap it up?

The guy: I mean, I can, but I don’t. What? They slide right off. It’s slender, man. Cool. Now, let’s talk stumes, comma-co, comma-ca. I myself am a masquerade connoiseur.

Colin Jost: Really? That is surprising.

The guy: Ay, who’s got thee thumbs and loves costumes? [pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh my god.

The guy: Col, all that barely there, derrier-bearing scary wear is skimply amazing. And ladies, thank you. Muchas gracias for the generous erect deposit into my banko-spanko. Those memories will blast a lifetime and make my ghost bust.

Colin Jost: Your ghost?

The guy: Ah, it’s basically invisible. What can I say? Busting makes me feel good. And it makes her say, “Wait, already? Your belt’s still buckled.”

Colin Jost: Alright. I think that’s enough.

The guy: Wait, wait. I have one more just the tip for the boys. Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy. If you want to get betwixt the milky ways of a sweetheart, avoid the smarties and nerds and find yourselves some airheads, Colly Rancher. I like an almond joy, nuts on top.

Colin Jost: Were you in like, a horrific accident?

The guy: And soon, you’ll be asking her the quintessential ques, butt her finger?

Colin Jost: Those are the options?

The guy: But fellas, before the party, take her down to the marina and she’ll be saying “witchcraft”? I have a boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat!

The guy: It’s got dry rot.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face] [looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!