Visiting Grandma

Ego Nwodim

Adele

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Lauren Holt

Grandma… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with four young people walking in a nursing home]

Ego: I’m so glad that we could all get together to visit grandma.

Adele: So, how does this work? We go inside the nursing home.

Chris: No, they’re keeping quarantine since old but we can stand in that courtyard and shoutout to a balcony.

Pete: Yeah. Like Romeo and Juliet, except, old.

Adele: Oh, there she comes.

[Cut to grandma walking to the balcony with a nurse]

Nurse: Okay. Blanch, I think there’s some people here to see you.

Grandma: Why?

Adele: Grandma, down here.

Ego: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Look down, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, grandchildren.

Adele: Hi, grandma. Yoo-hoo.

Grandma: Oh, baby. Are you cold?

Adele: No. I’m wearing the scarf you knit me. I’m nice and warm. Don’t worry.

Grandma: You did what?

Adele: I’m wearing the scarf you made me. See? [showing the scarf]

Grandma: You said my scarf?

Adele: No, you made me a scarf on my birthday and I’m wearing it.

Grandma: It’s amazing. Who’s that man?

Adele: Oh, grandma, this is my boyfriend, Kevin. You remember Kevin.

Grandma: Oh, Arizona.

Pete: That’s right. I’m from Arizona.

Grandma: Okay. So, what’s going with work?

Adele: Oh, it’s crazy busy. People always need jokes. And you know, that’s what we sell.

Grandma: No, not you. The boyfriend.

Pete: Me? Oh! Didn’t expect that. I’m in a bit of an interesting state right now. My contract ended back in April and now I’m kind of helping my buddy with a start up which just got an angel investor. It’s super exciting. It’s just taking a while to come through.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Oh. I was saying my last job ended and right now I’m sort of in a holding pattern helping a friend get his business off the ground. But it’s a waiting game.

Grandma: What?

Adele: He said he’s in a holding pattern. Slower because of covid.

Pete: Yeah, I’m mostly just putting out feelers for different gigs.

Grandma: You what?

Pete: I’m unemployed and I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Oh, okay.

Pete: I want one and I don’t have one. I’m trying to get one but no one will let me have one. I don’t have a job.

Adele: But I do have a job and he does not, and that bothers both of us so much.

Pete: Yeah, because the money she makes, I have to take some of it because I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Alright.

Nurse: Blanch, why don’t you show them the bracelet that you made today?

[Grandma shows the bracelet that she’s wearing]

Adele: Oh, that’s lovely.

Chris: Grandma, you’ll like this. I bought a record player.

Grandma: Where is Devin?

Chris: Okay, shot down.

Grandma: One of you has a muscular husband, Devin. Where is handsome Devin?

Ego: Right, that’s me. Grandma, Devin and I went through a lot with quarantine and we realized that– Well, there is this relationship expert, Ester Parell, who says that French people don’t ask their partner to also be their lover and their best friend. You know?

Grandma: What?

Ego: I was saying the pressure of being around each other without any distraction, we realized we weren’t good at being married to each other.

Grandma: What?

Ego: He said he wanted to be open.

Grandma: Open what?

Ego: He ducked my ass, grandma. We had a three way and he liked her better.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. He opened the relationship to her and closed it to me. They now live together in my house.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. I still live in the house because that’s where I’m at right now.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Do you understand what she means, Blanch? She had a man and he’s gone now?

Grandma: Yes. And the other man?

Pete: Me? I’m still unemployed.

Adele: Yes. When I wake up, I go to work and when he wakes up, he just stays in the bed.

Pete: I a like a pet. I do not have money.

Adele: I am dating a man with no job.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Maybe it’s time for dinner.

Chris: Wait, grandma, you said you revised your will and wanted to read it to us, right?

Grandma: Right. Right. [Nurse hands over the will to Grandma. Grandma puts on her glasses and starts reading.] Okie, dokie. Here we go. My dearest grandchildren. As you know, I have lived a long interesting life full of travels, celebrations, casinos and shopping sprees.

Ego: What?

Grandma: While some say you need to put away for a rainy day–

Pete: What?

Grandma: — I have always believed life is a lemon that needs to be squeezed.

Adele: There’s no inheritance, is there?

Grandma: Nope, spent it. Broke.

Pete: I appreciate that.

Adele: Got it.

Ego: Makes sense.

Chris: Thanks grandma.

Pete: Bye granma.

Grandma: Alright, see you.

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”] [Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”] [Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”] [Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.] [Everyone suddenly stops talking] [Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again] [Cut to the little girl who plays the song again] [The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song] [Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]