Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]
Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?
Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.
Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.
Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.
Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.
Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.
Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.
Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.
Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?
Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.
Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?
Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.
Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.
Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.
Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.
Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.
Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.
Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.
Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.