[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.
[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]
Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.
Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.
Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.
Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?
Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.
Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?
Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.
Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?
Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.
[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]
Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.
Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”
Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.
Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]
Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.
Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?
[Colin Jost laughing out loud]
Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.
Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.
Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.
Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.
Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.
Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.
Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.
Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.