Weekend Update Russias Fake News Law DeSantis Calls Disney a Woke Corporation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

This week marks two years since the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. And let’s just say some people have handled the stress better than others. [picture changes to Vladimir Putin] Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline – 6’5″ Putin not insane.

President Biden downplay the possibility of US military intervention saying we will not fight the third world war in Ukraine. And I understand, but it’s hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, or maternity ward, and I’m just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I’ve honestly thought about marching down to the nearest army enlistment office and signing Che up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a list of gas price at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex. [Picture changes to map of Iraq.] Come on, Iraq, you know we never stopped loving you baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian made cars, but a Russian made car was just a drunk bear on rollerskates.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin and Starbucks logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President [picture changes to a Starbucks cup with wrong name written on it] Vanderpump Rintin.

[Picture changes to McDonald’s outlet]

After McDonald’s announced they would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians. [Picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of sandwiches] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a news article that says “Bill to make lynching federal hate crime” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they’re not messing around. You can get 150 days for just making one up. [Picture changes to an article saying “Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail.] [Picture changes to Disney logo]

Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida’s proposed ‘Don’t say gay’ bill, although at Disney, they actually don’t say gay. They say Timon and Pumbaa.

[Picture changes to Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here waving COVID into the club, he attacked Disney for hosing the state’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill calling the company a woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.

Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.] [Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Weekend Update Dan Bulldozer on the Impact of Social Media

Michael Che

Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.

[Dan Bulldozer slides in]

Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.

Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?

Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.

Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?

Dan Bulldozer: 940?

Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.

Michael Che: You’re writing a book?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.

Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.

Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?

Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?

Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.

Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.

Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!

Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?

Dan Bulldozer: I think so.

Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?

Dan Bulldozer: No, no.

Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.

Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Rihannas Pregnancy

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.

Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.

Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.

Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

Michael Che: Pauline!

Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.

Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.

Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?

Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.

Michael Che: Wait, why would I?

Pauline: Because you did this to me.

Michael Che: I did?

Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”

Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.

Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.

Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.

Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.

Weekend Update Russian Forces Slow Down Germany Increases Military Production

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.] Well, we’re now at the point where in every press conference, the President’s asked, “Will there be a nuclear war?” A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war and he said no. Because what’s he going to say? “Hell, yeah, man. Start digging a bunker Jack.” It’s like when a little kid asks you where Grandpa is gonna go when he dies? You know, obviously you’re gonna say heaven. But based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know, hell is also on the table.

[Picture changes to a tank]

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of Germany at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six year gap in their history books.

[Picture changes to Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin]

French President Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90 minute call with Vladimir Putin, he’s convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man. It’s amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Lindsey Graham who gives this exact same look at the urinal created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russian should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. It is a shocking disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Russian Vodka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian made vodka. No word yet on brides.

[Picture changes to members of congress]

Many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year, disappearing to the background.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here being told someone’s pronouns, DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks saying, “Stop with this COVID theater.” And there’s nothing more on brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Vaccine requirement lifted” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. “Finally!”, said the next variant.

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Weekend Update Euphoria Fans Criticize Creator Dunkins Shamrock Macchiato

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Serena Williams at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena. Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Euphoria poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria had been harshly criticized in the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus it’s just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s old picture from high school.] Don’t applause that much.

[Picture changes to Capitol building]

The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all female black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all and his new film” Inglourious Bersterds”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dubai’s museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dubai has opened the museum of the future which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

[Picture changes to a dark room]

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictire of Shamrock Macchiato by Dunkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock macchiato which combines espresso vanilla and Irish cream. It’s the festive sugary drink that will have you saying “Top O’ the morning” and losing the bottom O’ your leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet with $4000 returned tot he owner” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Times Square returned a lost while it filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. When told how much money was in the return wallet, the man replied… [sound of a gunshot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wheel of Fortune at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying, “Have a little heart”, or as the contestants would guess, “Hayes a nipple heave.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 1st March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was National Pig day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whiskey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiast when I say, “Ba?”

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Trend Forecasters on the Latest Trends

Michael Che

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tracking consumer data has never been more difficult which makes purchasing trends even harder to predict. Here to talk about it are two trend forecasters.

[Trend forecasters slide in]

Aidy: Oh, good evening, Michael.

Bowen: Good evening, yes.

Michael Che: How do you guys predict today’s most popular trends?

Aidy: Oh, well, we have 4000 computers. They’re all big. They all make charts and they beep loud.

Bowen: The numbers are in and the trends of today have been cast. Here is the report. Our first category is fashion trends. In, shirt too big for body.

Aidy: In, hat too small to head.

Bowen: In, the male cleavage.

Aidy: And out, shiny shoe. Shiny shoe, you’re out, so go back to hell.

Bowen: Stop flaunting your wealth, shiny shoe.

Aidy: We’re fighting a virus.

Bowen: If I see you on the street, I’ll stab you in the face.

Aidy: Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Damn, seems like you guys hate shiny shoes.

Aidy: Shh! Shh! We have our next category.

Bowen: Men trends.

Aidy: In, dry calloused feet.

Bowen: In, doing the damn dishes.

Aidy: In, sobbing.

Bowen: And out, movie posters as decor.

Aidy: Movie posters as decor, get f-ed.

Bowen: Are you a band aid? Because I want to rip you off!

Aidy: Oh, grow up, Pulp Fiction poster. And be a damn painting.

Bowen: Movie posters as decor, go to bed!

Michael Che: Why do you guys keep sending things to bed?

Aidy: Because we aren’t allowed to send them to death.

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Bowen: We’re talking trends. Emergency, emergency, we have our next category. Baby trends.

Aidy: In, wearing the smallest stuff they make.

Bowen: In, being twins.

Aidy: In, being burped by a friend.

Bowen: And out, dumping in that path and saying nothing.

Aidy: Baby, why are you doing that? That’s insane.

Bowen: This is a society. Eating Cheerios with a dump on your ass? No!

Aidy: These quiet legends need to speak up.

Bowen: Their silence is deafening.

Aidy: Get in your bed, that’s also a jail.

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. There’s no time to understand because it’s time for future trends.

Aidy: In, Euphoria: the feeling.

Bowen: In, AP US History.

Aidy: And oh-oh, back from hell. It’s shiny shoe. Congratulations, shoe.

Michael Che: What about the things that are gonna be out?

Aidy: Well, Michael, the computer only asked him three trends.

Bowen: And you know that they all have to be banished to hell for being out.

Aidy: Out, his cat eyeglasses

Bowen: Fidget spinner.

Aidy and Bowen: And Michael Che.

[Michael Che wearing cat eyeglasses with a fidget spinner on his one hand.]

Michael Che: [yelling] No! The Trend forecasters, everybody.

Weekend Update President Biden Works to Prevent RussiaUkraine War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Stock market is plummeting and there’s a threat of a land war in Europe. So, it looks like democrats were right. Joe Biden is the next FDR. President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine and said a video call with European allies when quote “Very, very, very well.” Okay, the third “very” worries me. You only say that when you’re trying to cover up something like, if Matt Gaetz said “That girl was very, very, very over Colin Jost8.”

Ukrainian officials are saying the repeated warnings of invasion are just causing panic and that panic is the sister of failure. Which is exactly what Lorne said to get us to do this show during a blizzard. Also, am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was the sister of failure. [Picture changes to Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stephen Briar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Stephen Briar announced that he will retire in June. “We thank Justice Breyer for years of upholding the rights of every American”, said liberals who have been tweeting, “Retire bitch,” for the last year. I sympathize with Briar because I get those same tweets every Saturday night around this time.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden promised to nominate the first black woman to the Supreme Court, but I hope it’s not. I hope it’s not because he wants to sniff with new type of hair. That’s why I get those tweets.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell showing his thumbs up and smiling.]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here learning that Betty White has died, warned President Biden not to outsource his choice for the Supreme Court to the quote “Radical left”. Coincidentally, a radical left is also what McConnell takes to purposely run over stray dogs.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Glenn Younkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virginia Governor Glenn Younkin has set up a hotline for parents to report schools they believe are teaching critical race theory. Damn, you know you’re racist when you call the cops about a black character in a book. “Yeah, hi, I’d like to report a suspicious black man rafting with a young white hostage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden on Friday traveled to Pittsburgh and promised to rebuild the collapse bridge using funds from his infrastructure bill. While Republicans build a bridge to just lift itself up by its bootstraps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chart showing economic growth at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that last year the US economy grew at its fastest rates since Ronald Reagan was President. Biden has even started using Reagan’s old catchphrase, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to Melania Trump]

Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000. But Melania is no stranger to finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]