Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.

Weekend Update- Bowen Yang on the Rise of Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

Colin Jost

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Across the country, rallies are being held to condemn the rise of anti-asian hate crimes. Here to share resources on how you can help is asian cast member, Bowen Yang.

[Bowen Yang slides in] [cheers and applause]

Bowen Yang: Hi. Wait, is that my official title? Asian cast member?

Colin Jost: That’s how you told me to introduce you.

Bowen Yang: Yeah, I set your ass up. Feels good. Hi, everyone. So, things for asians in this country have been bleak for the past two weeks and all weeks before that since forever. But there’s a lot of work to do and I found some posts online with action items everyone can take to help.

Colin Jost: Oh, right. I’ve seen those on Instagram, like, list of places to donate to?

Bowen Yang: Yes. And here are some that I found super helpful. “Six ways you can check in on your AAPI friends and tell them they’re so hot.”

Colin Jost: Is that real?

Bowen Yang: Yes. Um, guess people just want to help us anyway they can. Here’s a list of something I’ve seen a lot of activists post. “Amplify these asian voices who want more Paneras in north Brooklyn.”

Colin Jost: That’s really something that asian communities are concerned about?

Bowen Yang: Yeah, it is for the ones in my neighborhood. Okay, fine. Here’s something that we can all do. “Call your senators and demand that they know about the lesbian characters in Sailor Moon!”

Colin Jost: Bowen, no offense but this is actually helpful to all asians?

Bowen Yang: Ugh. Maybe. I don’t know, Colin. Okay? Maybe. What could I say to help how insanely bad things are. If someone’s personality is ‘punch an asian grandma’, it’s not a dialog. I have an asian grandma, you wanna punch her. There ain’t no common ground, mama.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s tough.

Bowen Yang: I mean, I see my friends donating and I tell them that’s great. But then I also tell them do more. Like, okay, you’re ordering from some Chinese restaurants, great. Do more. Let me know when you feed your white kids chicken feet. You cried during Minari? Congratulations. I was sobbing into my boner for Steven Yan. Do more. Why are you telling me that you tipped your manicurist well? Let me know when you get on your knees and scrub her feet while she looks at your phone. Do more.

Colin Jost: You’re right. I should do that.

Bowen Yang: Yeah. You should, specifically. I can’t address any of this without bringing class or gender or imperialism. I don’t even want to be doing this Update piece. I wanted to do my character – gay passover bunny. But it’s too smart for the show.

Colin Jost: It’s too smart? It was 20 minutes long.

Bowen Yang: Whatever. You’re scared. I’m just a comedian. I don’t have the answers. But I’m not just looking for them online. I’m looking around me. The GoFundMe for Xiao Zhen Xie, the grandmother who fought back against her attacker raised $900,000 which she immediately gave back to the community. That’s where we are as asians. Now, come meet us there. In Mandarin there is a cheer goes – “Chya Yo”, which basically means fuel up. I don’t know what’s helpful to say to everyone, but that’s what I say to myself. Fuel up. Do more. It’s the year of the metal ox, which basically means a car. So everyone, get in, buckle up. It’s no pee breaks. We ride at dawn, grandmas.

Colin Jost: Bowen Yang, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Calls for Gun Control

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Biden falling on stairs at left top corner.]

This week kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases and background checks are great start. But shouldn’t we also do current checks? Like, what are these guys are up to now? How much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’ed a girl “Hey” 30 times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree it’s a good idea for you to have a gun? It’s really not that much to ask. You got to list three references on an application to work at Foot locker. And republicans, please stop pretending this is a second amendment issue and just admit you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean, these are your political ads. Look at them. You look like you’re running for president of ISIS. If you actually cared about the second amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part, and I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just bought a gun last summer when all those white kids started talking about getting rid of the police. [laughing] President Biden gave his first press conference which lasted over an hour. Wow, shout out to Fixoent. [picture changes to Fixodent toothpaste.] At the conference, president Biden was asked if he plans to run for reelection at 2024 which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pictures appear online of president Biden reference detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them. [picture changes to a paper where it’s written “You = Joe Biden”] I gotta say, it’s easy to make fun of Biden’s cheat sheets but they worry me a lot less than Trump’s cheat sheets. Do you remember those? There were some real one. “Missile launched from N. Korea – will take care of it.” Next one. [picture changes to a paper where it’s writte “Alcaida”] Alqaeda written as Cicada. And of course this classic, “I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid-pro-quo.” Which I think were rap lyrics from the “Legally Blonde” musical.

After Biden’s first press conference, conservatives keep saying that he media is spinning everything to make Biden look good. But I think that’s ridiculous. And I would just like to congratulate Biden on how well he did the worm down those stairs.

[cut to video of Joe Biden walking up the stairs and falling] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some democrats are demanding the senate put an end to filibuster rule which some call a Jim Crow Relic. Also a Jim Crow Relic, some senators.

[picture changes to map of Virginia]

Virginia has become the first state in the south to abolish the death penalty. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some white women to whistle at.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, he said that he’s open to the discussion of the gun control laws but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg an Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that he was creating an Instagram for kids. Wow! An app filled with pictures of just kids? What could possibly go wrong?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During an interview on Fox News, Donald Trump lied about January 6 capitol riot saying that supporters were not attacking officers but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing and assault.

Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.

Weekend Update Frasier Revival Muppet Show Warning

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture lf Kelsey Grammer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kelsey Grammer announced that he will star in a revival of Frasier. For those of you too young to remember, Frasier was the show that made F.R.I.E.N.D.S. look black.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airplane at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico, he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. “Sorry, that was just our engine”, said United.

[Picture changes to a boat]

A sailor who fell overboard survived for 14 hours in a Pacific ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. “Sorry, that was our other engine”, said United.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney’s Muppet Show logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Disney+ has placed a disclaimer in front of old episodes of the Muppet Show warning viewers that it features offensive content. I just want to ask, who’s about to watch Muppets, sees a warning about graphic content and doesn’t watch it? If anything, you’d be like, “I got to see this episode of the Muppets. Did Gonzo finally have sex with the chicken?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the coronavirus lowered the average life expectancy for black Americans by nearly three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay.

[picture changes to Peter Luger logo]

New York City Steak House Peter Luger has partnered with Madame Tussauds to filling it’s dining room with wax figures of celebrities during the pandemic. So now, you can enjoy your steak with Jimmy Fallon, or have a dessert with Audrey Hepburn, or have a drink with, oh no, Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Greece at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the Greek island of Lesbos. They knew it was from Lesbos because it’s double ended.

[picture changes to a Jeep]

You’re not gonna like this. The chief of the Cherokee Nation is calling on car maker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s names on it’s vehicles. So, Jeep has agreed to change the name to, wow, the Aunt Jemima mobile.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Weekend Update The Pope Appoints Women Aunt Jemima Changes Name

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis has appointed two women at Vatican post that were previously held by men. Apparently, god came to him in a dream and told him he could pay women less.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Explosives missing from marine base” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A marine base in California revealed that 10 pounds of C4 explosives have gone missing from the facility. So, it’s either a domestic terror plot or someone’s having a gender reveal party.

[Picture changes to Morgan Wallen]

It was reported that after Morgan Wallen lost his recording contract and he was caught on video using the N words, sales for his album rose over 1000% proving my long held theory that if NBC would just let me say it, the ratings will go up.

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head. There’s a picture of Popeyes burger at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Popeyes has introduced it’s first ever fish sandwich called the cajun flounder sandwich. It’s also the first ever fish sandwich to be made entirely of expired chicken.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Actress Gina Carano was fired from the Mandalorian after sharing controversial anti semitic posts on social media. Yeah, I don’t know if Star Wars is the authority on what’s anti semitic. Remember that desert junk dealer from Phantom Menace?

[Cut to the video clip of the desert junk dealer]

Junk dealer: My trick’s gonna work. Gonna make all the money.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: If that’s not Nazi propaganda, I don’t know what is.

[Picture changes to an article that says “117 year old nun survives covid]

It was reported that 117 year old nun in France had survived coronavirus. And she’s actually starting to get insulted that god doesn’t want to meet her.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Larry Flynt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler magazine has died at the age of 78. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, you send full bushes.

[Picture changes to Aunt Jemima logo]

The makers of Aunt Jemima products which has been criticized for using racist imagery, are finally changing their name to “Pearl Milling Company”. Pearl Milling is the name of the white lady who owned Aunt Jemima.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s sign and a glass of orange drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After customers Tweeted for it online, McDonald’s announced that it will bring back the fan favorite HiC orange drink.  But to honor Ronald McDonald, they’re rebranding it as “Clown Urine.”