Tag: Rat

Weekend Update NYC Hires FirstEver Rat Czar Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]

Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]

Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.

The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]

Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.

Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]

Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]

Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]

Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”

Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.