Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]
Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]
Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.
The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]
Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.
Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]
Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]
Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]
Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.
And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”