Tag: NYC

Weekend Update NYC Hires FirstEver Rat Czar Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]

Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]

Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.

The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]

Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.

Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]

Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]

Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]

Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”

Weekend Update- Donald Trump’s Arraignment, Marjorie Taylor Greene Slams NYC

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wall Street Journal logo.]

The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges. And I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom. And I don’t like that he’s flanked by an O.J. amount of lawyers. Because that tells me he’s definitely guilty and that he’s definitely getting away with it. Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, aka Phony Soprano said that he doesn’t think Trump is gonna get a fair trial in Manhattan and I agree. I mean, even the courtroom sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. He had blended his foundation. He had stapled down his hair. But the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo.

[[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-Lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama.

Insiders are saying that since Donald Trump’s indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.

[Picture changes to Marjorie Taylor Green]

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene seen here shouting “Jump you coward,” visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say you forgot “rat infested.” Don’t ever forget our rats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by Republican mega donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court with no questions asked. It was also revealed today that Harlan Crowe has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia including a copy of “Mein Kampf” signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads “Dear Harlan, big fan, – Adolf.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of two black men.]

Michael Che: Tennessee Republicans expelled to black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like but they were actually expelled because their skin is black.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron Desantis.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Jill Biden and King charles.]

Michael Che: President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that first lady Joe Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa women’s basketball team.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of King Charles.]

Colin Jost: King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave trading company. Yeah, it was called England.

Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update- Famous 80’s Cocaine Wife Carla on NYC Nightlife

Michael Che

Carla… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York city bars and clubs have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic. Here to comment of the state of night life industry is famous 80’s cocaine wife, Carla.

[Carla slides in]

Carla: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: I’m great, Carla.

Carla: Yeah? You good? How’s the family? How’s Kate? She good? Kenan? Oh, you know Kenan makes me laugh, Michael. He makes me laugh.

Michael Che: Yeah, they’re good. Everybody’s good.

Carla: Yeah? So, where’s the afterparty? Where are we going tonight, Michael?

Michael Che: Well, there’s no after party, Carla. There’s a virus.

Carla: No party? Oh, come on, Michael. Where’s the party? I mean Leos, what? You, me, Lorne and a fat lasagna at 3AM Michael.

Michael Che: There’s no party. We all have to go to work. And we want everybody want to be safe.

Carla: But I want to dance, Michael. [stands and starts rocking her body] I wanna dance. Don’t you want to dance with me? Colin will dance with me. Won’t you, baby? Colin loves beautiful women.

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t want to be involved in this.

Carla: I’m sorry. You know what? I gotta powder my nose. [opens her make up box, looks at the mini-mirror, then sniffs the cocaine.]

Michael Che: Oh, Carla! No, what are you doing?

Carla: Oh, I’m good, Michael. I’m good.

Michael Che: Carla, you’re supposed to be here to talk about night life. A lot of people lost their jobs.

Carla: Jobs? I have tone of jobs, Michael. Dice blower, home wrecker, painter. Plus my husband Bobby has a lot of men working for him.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. And what exactly does your husband do?

Carla: Scafolding garbage construction. He’d be jealous if he knew I was talking to you. Let’s call him.

Michael Che: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Carla: [on the phone] Hi, baby. Yes. No, it’s me. Yes, I’m good. I’m at church. No, I’m not with Michael. That’s done.

Michael Che: Wait, what done?

Carla: Yes, he’s right here. Michael, he wants to talk to you and he’s really angry.

Michael Che: No! You know what Carla? I think it’s time for you to go really.

Carla: Oh, Michael. [making crying face] No. Don’t get rid of me, Michael. I’m sure I’m a little rough round the edges but I’m still the same girl you met at the Update just three minutes ago. Let me give you a son, Michael. Let me try.

Michael Che: No, Carla.

Carla: Let me try.

Michael Che: You really need to calm down.

Carla: [pulls out a gun] You calm down.

Michael Che: You have a gun?

Carla: [starts acting like she’s being hit] Ou! You’re hurting me, Michael. Ou.

Michael Che: Nobody is touching you.

Carla: [slowly takes her makeup box out again] Oh, let me pop my nose. [sniffs cocaine] Ah! So, where’s the afterparty?

Michael Che: Carla, everybody

Carla: Directed by David O’ Russel.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.