Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update- Famous 80’s Cocaine Wife Carla on NYC Nightlife

Michael Che

Carla… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York city bars and clubs have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic. Here to comment of the state of night life industry is famous 80’s cocaine wife, Carla.

[Carla slides in]

Carla: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: I’m great, Carla.

Carla: Yeah? You good? How’s the family? How’s Kate? She good? Kenan? Oh, you know Kenan makes me laugh, Michael. He makes me laugh.

Michael Che: Yeah, they’re good. Everybody’s good.

Carla: Yeah? So, where’s the afterparty? Where are we going tonight, Michael?

Michael Che: Well, there’s no after party, Carla. There’s a virus.

Carla: No party? Oh, come on, Michael. Where’s the party? I mean Leos, what? You, me, Lorne and a fat lasagna at 3AM Michael.

Michael Che: There’s no party. We all have to go to work. And we want everybody want to be safe.

Carla: But I want to dance, Michael. [stands and starts rocking her body] I wanna dance. Don’t you want to dance with me? Colin will dance with me. Won’t you, baby? Colin loves beautiful women.

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t want to be involved in this.

Carla: I’m sorry. You know what? I gotta powder my nose. [opens her make up box, looks at the mini-mirror, then sniffs the cocaine.]

Michael Che: Oh, Carla! No, what are you doing?

Carla: Oh, I’m good, Michael. I’m good.

Michael Che: Carla, you’re supposed to be here to talk about night life. A lot of people lost their jobs.

Carla: Jobs? I have tone of jobs, Michael. Dice blower, home wrecker, painter. Plus my husband Bobby has a lot of men working for him.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. And what exactly does your husband do?

Carla: Scafolding garbage construction. He’d be jealous if he knew I was talking to you. Let’s call him.

Michael Che: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Carla: [on the phone] Hi, baby. Yes. No, it’s me. Yes, I’m good. I’m at church. No, I’m not with Michael. That’s done.

Michael Che: Wait, what done?

Carla: Yes, he’s right here. Michael, he wants to talk to you and he’s really angry.

Michael Che: No! You know what Carla? I think it’s time for you to go really.

Carla: Oh, Michael. [making crying face] No. Don’t get rid of me, Michael. I’m sure I’m a little rough round the edges but I’m still the same girl you met at the Update just three minutes ago. Let me give you a son, Michael. Let me try.

Michael Che: No, Carla.

Carla: Let me try.

Michael Che: You really need to calm down.

Carla: [pulls out a gun] You calm down.

Michael Che: You have a gun?

Carla: [starts acting like she’s being hit] Ou! You’re hurting me, Michael. Ou.

Michael Che: Nobody is touching you.

Carla: [slowly takes her makeup box out again] Oh, let me pop my nose. [sniffs cocaine] Ah! So, where’s the afterparty?

Michael Che: Carla, everybody

Carla: Directed by David O’ Russel.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.